


Say You'll Haunt Me

by LilyAnson



Series: Long December [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Adult Content, Explicit Language, Family, Feels, Friendship, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Out of Character, Post-Star Trek (2009), Pre-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Self-Doubt, Slash, Violence, self sabotage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 10:45:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 58,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4826174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyAnson/pseuds/LilyAnson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 1 of the "Long December" series. Some spoilers may apply for 2009 in the first two paragraphs but that's about it.</p><p>Summary:  The story of Jim's past and the long, bumpy, difficult road Spock and Jim traveled to wind up together by the time I wrote LOATR.  Takes place in the time span between 2009 and Into Darkness.</p><p>**SPOILERS**  **SPOILERS**  **SPOILERS**<br/>For the first movie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *Cannon changes* Minor death. I killed Jim's mother when he was four. Since then he lived in various foster families until leaving when he was almost seventeen. As the reboot makes no mention of Jim's brother I made him an only child.

He should be happy, he told himself. They had saved Earth, rescued Pike and come out of everything relatively unscathed all things considered. _The Enterprise_ would be repaired, Pike would heal and life would carry on. Eventually things would get back to normal. Spock took another drink and carefully set his glass down. With everything that happened, he should be happy. Only he wasn't.

His mother was dead, Vulcan was gone and its race had been decimated. He was pretty sure his relationship with Nyota was over as well. And then there was Jim. Despite everything Spock found himself intrigued by the man more and more. He had started out disliking him but somehow Jim had wormed his way into Spock's thoughts more than Spock would have liked. Jim was smart, confident and charismatic. 

Under any other circumstances Spock might have made an effort to find out if Jim would be opposed to a more 'intimate' relationship. Serving on the same ship made that probability unlikely. Just as well, he thought. Jim's reputation for being good with the ladies and bad with relationships also made it highly unlikely that Jim would ever want anything stable, let alone with him. Spock would just have to be content to day dream, he supposed. He was getting ready to refill his drink when his comm. beeped.

\----------

"I said get him out of here!"

"We're leaving. Just let us wait for our ride to get here."

"Now!"

The man pointed to the door and McCoy rolled his eyes. "Fine."

"Oh come on. All I did was-"

"Shut up Jim. Not another word. Now move."

"You're cute when you're mad. You know that?"

McCoy rolled his eyes again. "Go."

Jim flashed a bright smile that wasn't the least bit marred by the split lip. He shook his head and followed Jim out the door. Jim turned and started to say some thing but McCoy grabbed him by the shoulders, turned the kid back around and all but shoved him the rest of the way out of the door.

"We should hit another bar," Jim said the instant they were outside.

"You've had too much already kid." 

"Loosen up Bones. It wasn't that bad."

"Not that bad? Are you serious?"

"There were only three of them. I could have handled that easily."

He shook his head again as he noticed their ride. 

"About time you showed up," McCoy snapped.

"Apologies doctor, I came as fast as I could." 

"Spock! What brings you to the party?"

"The doctor 'inferred' you might be able to use a lift."

Jim walked between them and put one arm over each of their shoulders. 

"So where are we headed next?"

"You're going home," McCoy snapped without thinking.

Jim stopped moving and his face blanked. McCoy cursed himself for the poor choice of words. 'Home.' Fuck. _If I ever get my hands on those people..._

" _My_ home," he corrected. " _We_ are going to _my_ home. Then _you_ are going to bed."

There was a slight hesitation before the mask firmly slid back into place. Jim flashed another bright, if blatently forced, grin. "Damn Bones, if you wanted me and Spock to go home with you why didn't you just say so?"

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Get in the car."

As Jim was getting into the vehicle Spock shot him a questioning look. McCoy shook his head slightly at the Vulcan and got in as well.

\----------

"Honey, I'm home," Jim called out as the three of them entered McCoy's apartment.

The doctor rolled his eyes. Jim walked over to the couch and flopped down on it. He leaned his head backward over the arm rest and looked up at them. 

"Got anything to drink around here?"

"How can you even do that after how much you've already had to drink?"

Still upside down Jim shrugged. "Talented?" Finally Jim sat up and propped his feet on the coffee table. "So, how about it? _Do_ you have anything to drink?"

"Haven't you had enough?"

"Come on Bones, we're in your apartment . What's the worst that could happen?"

"You really want me to answer that?"

Jim flashed him an innocent look.

"Damn it. Fine but you're staying here if you drink more."

"Deal!"

"And get your feet off my coffee table!" 

The doctor made his way into the kitchen and Spock inspected the apartment. Typical one bedroom apartment. The kitchen was just right of the door and straight ahead was the living room. The living room and kitchen were separated by a half-wall. Besides the couch Jim sat on there was one end table with a lamp, a recliner and a coffee table. The apartment was mostly done in white and beige.

*********

Several drinks later there was finally a lull in the conversation. Jim was leaning back on the couch surreptitiously watching the Spock out of the corner of his eyes. Bones was leaning back in his recliner with his eyes closed. He'll pass out soon, James noted. Then, what? Would Spock leave? Would he stay? If he stayed then maybe... nope. Don't go there he reminded himself. Like Spock would ever want him. You don't stand a chance with someone like him.

"Who needs another drink," he asked, suddenly sitting forward. 

"Jim..."

"Come on doc. We don't have anywhere to be tomorrow. What's the harm?"

"It is late. Perhaps I should go," Spock stated as he started to stand.

"No! I mean... One more. Come on, just one?"

\---------

McCoy narrowed his eyes at Jim. 

"It's late, Jim. We really should-"

"Come on it's only one drink."

"I believe I have had enough for tonight. Thank you, though."

Spock headed for the door and Jim moved to stand in front of him. This was really not good. Warning bells began going off in McCoy's mind. He felt like he should do some thing but didn't know what. 

"Come on, just stay a little longer."

"I'm sure Dr. McCoy would like to get a little sleep."

"So stay the night."

McCoy eyed Jim suspiciously as he tried to figure out what was going on.

"You are very persistent," Spock noted.

 _Yes,_ Bones thought. _The question is why?_

"So is that a yes?"

"Jim," Spock began.

"Damn it Spock." Jim turned away and stared at the door briefly. Finally he turned back. "I want you to stay." 

"You... want... me to stay?"

"I just said that didn't I?"

"I am pleased you... enjoy my company. Still, I must be leaving."

Jim ran a hand through his hair and looked to Bones. 

There was an odd look on Jim's face. No, Bones thought. Just... no. It finally dawned on the doctor; Jim liked Spock. He wasn't sure how Spock would react but he didn't think the Vulcan was going to be pleased by this revelation. McCoy knew Jim didn't care what gender he hooked up with. It was Jim's life so generally McCoy wouldn't have cared either. This, however, was Spock. There's no telling how he would take the information. If he took it bad and they had to serve on the same ship...

"Jim," Bones started as he stood.

"Because. I want you to sit down. I want you to have another drink. I want you to stay. I want... Damn it, I just want you."

McCoy winced. 

"You," Spock began. He paused and tried again. "You want... what?"

"You, damn it." 

Bones tried to diffuse the situation. "I think we should-"

"In what way," Spock asked cautiously.

"Geez Spock. What do I have to do, spell it out? You. I want you. I want you and me together. I mean, I know, I know. You don't want me like that. Yeah yeah, whatever. I do want you like that, though. I can't help it and I'm not sorry you know."

James crossed his arms and glared at Spock defiantly. 

So not good, Bones thought as he shook his head trying to figure out what to do. He opened his mouth trying to come with something, anything, to say. His mind blanked.

"Indeed. Then I feel as though I should inform you of something. I would greatly appreciate the chance to get to know you better as well."

Bones' mouth snapped shut. _That_ , he hadn't been expecting. Jim's expression changed.

"You what," Jim asked, his voice dangerously low.

Warning bells went off in McCoy's mind again. He knew that tone. 

"I would appreciate an opportunity to get to know you better."

Jim's eyebrow's lowered as his gaze focused intently on Spock.

"You're lying."

Bones shook his head furiously trying to stop Spock from answering even though Spock couldn't see him. His mind was not capable of forming the words into coherent sentences just yet. 

"I am not." 

'Not good, not good, not good', his mind chanted over and over. _That_ was when Jim threw the first punch and all hell broke loose. Do some thing, McCoy mentally yelled to himself. I have to stop this, he thought. _Well move, then_ , his mind commanded. Oh yeah. Finally McCoy moved to pry them apart. It wasn't easy, and Jim took a few shots at him too, but he finally got them separated.

"You're lying!"

Spock said nothing. Probably better that way, McCoy thought as he struggled to keep his hold on Jim.

"I already knew I didn't have a chance! There's no reason to rub it in or make me feel any more stupid!"

"It was never my intention to make you feel... less than adequate. I was being honest," Spock stated quietly.

Jim stilled but McCoy didn't let go of him. 

"Just go," Jim said quietly.

"I cannot."

Jim looked away but didn't respond. 

"I meant it, Jim. I was not trying to insult you."

Jim shook his head.

"Jim..."

"Just go!"

"Why do you not believe me?"

"Whatever. Stay, I don't care. I'm leaving. Bones, let go of me."

"I told you, we drink more and you're staying."

"Let. Me. Go."

"I'm not letting you leave Jim."

"Doctor." 

Bones turned to Spock.

"I will go."

Jim snorted derisively. "I bet."

"It is not my wish to go. I only wish to keep from upsetting you further."

"Whatever."

"Why do you not believe me?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

McCoy shook his head at Spock. Spock raised one eyebrow but didn't speak.

"Jim," McCoy said quietly.

Jim ignored him.

"That was then, Jim. Let it go."

"I can't."

"You have to."

Jim shook his head again.

"You like him and for whatever reason he likes you back."

"He can't. Not the same way."

"Have you given him a chance explain whether or not he does?"

"It wouldn't matter, Bones."

"If it wouldn't matter then why not give him a chance to say something?"

Jim was silent for a moment before looking up. He met McCoy's eyes and finally gave a sharp nod.

"So we're good if I let go?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Damn it, Bones, let go."

McCoy finally released him. "Just checking."

Jim glared at him then stalked passed them to the recliner and dropped into it.

Spock glanced at McCoy and McCoy shook his head again. He nodded toward the couch. As Spock began to move to the couch McCoy made his way over as well. 

"Well," Jim asked with an impatient wave of one hand.

"I did not like you overly much when I first met you."

"This is supposed to convince me I'm wrong?"

"Allow me to continue."

Jim waved a hand indifferently again.

"I must admit it is because of Dr. McCoy I decided perhaps my initial evaluation was inaccurate. His unwavering faith in you caused me to re-examine my assessment. In doing so I have found myself more... 'interested' than I would have thought possible."

"Interested," Jim repeated flatly.

"Indeed. I will not lie. I cannot claim I am 'in love'. I don't know enough about you, yet. I do find myself intrigued and I was being honest when I said that I would like to get to know you better."

"Yeah, whatever," Jim said sullenly, crossing his arms and glaring down at them.

"Jim," McCoy stated flatly, unimpressed with the attitude. 

Jim ignored him. McCoy leaned forward and smacked Jim on the back of the head. 

"What the hell, Bones," Jim yelled.

"Get over yourself and participate in this conversation. Now," McCoy ordered.

"If you ever do that again-"

"Well actually participate in this conversation and I won't have to."

"Doctor."

McCoy turned to look at Spock. What did Spock think was going on? There was no way McCoy could or would share what he knew, and no way Spock would ever guess. _If I ever, ever, get my hands on those..."people"..._ Stop, McCoy ordered himself. 

"It is clear there is more going on that I do not understand. Although I would appreciate the knowledge I will not ask either of you for that which you cannot share." Spock turned and faced Jim. "Even if you do not understand why, I would ask that you accept that I _am_ being truthful when I state my desire to get to know you better."

"Why?"

"I told you. I am... interested. You... You're... I don't know. I find myself interested for reasons I don't fully understand, but I _am_ interested. Can you not accept that?"

"I don't understand why you would be."

"If it helps, I do not understand it either," Spock said with a small smile.

McCoy shook his head. This had to be the strangest thing he'd ever witnessed. Spock and Jim... liking each other... Nope his head still couldn't wrap his head around that thought. This couldn't end well. Jim couldn't handle a stable relationship and Spock... He shook his head again.

"I don't deserve you," Jim said quietly.

"Damn it, Jim-" 

Spock cut him off. "Doctor." 

Reluctantly McCoy shut his mouth and Spock turned back to Jim.

"I am not asking for more than you are willing to give. I only want time to analyze things and better understand how I feel. Is that not acceptable?"

"Time," Jim said hesitantly.

"Time," Spock repeated.

"Okay," Jim said sitting forward. "So... where exactly does that put us?"

"Exactly as we were. The only difference is that we spend more time with each other."

Jim still didn't look like he believed anything Spock was saying. McCoy resisted the urge to growl at the people that had done this to the kid. No one deserved to go through what he had. Those people weren't here and the anger he felt at them wasn't helping things. Focus damn it, he ordered himself.

"I think I can accept that," Jim said slowly.

Thank God, Bones thought. 

"So..."

"So _now_ I think we should all get some sleep," Bones said as he stood. "Spock, you're staying too. No way in hell I'm letting either of you leave after how much we've all had. You're stuck with the recliner. No one gets to sleep in my bed but me and the couch is always Jim's when he stays over."

Spock nodded.

"No one sleeps in your bed but you," Jim asked with a smirk.

"You _don't_ want to go there," McCoy told him, raising an eyebrow.

The smirk faded and Jim looked away.

It wasn't often, but on occasion McCoy had woken up to the creak of his bedroom door opening. Jim would always hesitate for several moments before he finally crawled into the bed carefully. After a few more moments Jim would carefully scoot closer and snuggle against McCoy. He didn't ever let on that he was awake when it happened. He would wait until Jim fell asleep and spend the rest of the night envisioning things he wanted to do to the people that had hurt the boy. After a while he wouldn't be able to lay there anymore and would cautiously get out of the bed and bury himself in something to take his mind off of things.

"You know where everything is," he told Jim as he headed into his room. He shut the door carefully and leaned back against it. Damn, damn, damn, he thought to himself. He had to think about some thing else.

\-----------

"Come on," Jim said standing up. "Bunking supplies are this way."

"Do you 'bunk' here often," Spock asked curious. 

Jim shrugged. "Beats getting my own place. It's not like we're going to spend a lot of time on Earth anymore anyway."

"What about staying with family?"

Jim froze and Spock realized that had been the wrong thing to suggest. Finally Jim resumed his trek.

"Naw, I don't really have family left. I had my own apartment before I joined Starfleet but I didn't think I was going to need it again. It's just easier to bunk here when I need to." 

They entered the bathroom. Simple, yet tasteful, Spock noted. Very 'home-y'. 'Bones' had added a few personal touches. Very understated, Spock thought to himself, but the overall effect was nice. 

"So, yeah, pillows and blankets are here," Jim said indicating the bathroom closet. 

"You do not believe that I am interested. Why?"

Jim fidgeted.

"You did not answer my question," Spock noted.

"Just let it go... for now?"

The look Jim gave him decided it. He would let it go for now. Later, he pacified himself, later.

"So anything else," Jim asked him. 

"Not that I know of," he replied.

"Help yourself." Jim exited leaving Spock alone. It was then Spock realized he would have to make a much more concentrated effort to break down the walls Jim had erected. Why, Spock wondered. What was with the walls and why had Jim built them? The bathroom offered no answers.

\---------

Damn, damn, damn, Jim thought. Fuck. What the hell? Why did he even say anything? Couldn't you have kept your mouth shut for once? He shook his head. Fuck. At least his faith in McCoy had been rewarded. The doctor hadn't spilled anything Jim wouldn't have wanted shared. He shook his head again.

\---------

Damn him, McCoy thought. Who am I, to have to keep his secrets? The doctor sighed again. He was his friend, that's who he was. Fuck, he thought to himself. 

"Hey! Doc?"

McCoy turned and faced the door. "Yeah?"

"... night."

He sighed again, "Night, Jim."

God he hoped Jim wouldn't have a nightmare. How would you even explain that, he wondered. Not. My. Problem, he told himself. _Yes it is,_ his mind told him. Someone has to make it right. He shook his head again. Damn, damn, damn.

\----------

Opening his eyes he blinked trying to clear his vision. What the hell, he wondered. Slowly McCoy stood and walked to his bedroom door. He stood, listening for a moment trying to figure out what had woken him. Through the door he could hear soft noises. Please, not a nightmare, McCoy pleaded silently. Not with Spock here. Slowly he opened the door and stared. Nope. Definitely not a nightmare. I so don't need to see this. Well, shut the door his mind told him. Yeah, that. He shut the door and stared at it. Nope, not going there, he told himself and went back to bed.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Spock opened his eyes and tried to figure out where he was. Nothing looked familiar. He started to turn to inspect his surroundings when a hand dropped onto his side. Spock froze instantly. There was a sleepy murmur that sounded vaguely familiar. Suddenly everything hit him all at once. Jim.

"Too far," Jim murmured sleepily.

Spock froze as Jim scooted closer and wrapped an arm around him.

"Mmm... better."

Spock didn't move. Why, he asked himself. He shouldn’t have stayed. At the very least he should have stayed in the recliner. This was not good. Where exactly did this put them? Would Jim even remember what they'd done? Had it meant anything to him? Jim murmured a few more things. The only thing Spock was able to understand was his name. So, Jim was thinking about him at least. That was good. Wasn't it?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"So, no shit, there I was when... Hey! Morning doc," Jim greeted him.

Bones grunted and sat at the kitchen table.

"Breakfast?"

The doctor glared at him.

Jim shrugged. "Suit yourself." Jim turned back to Spock. "He never does eat breakfast. You'd think he would, though, being all concerned about everyone's health and all."

McCoy resisted the urge to bang his head into the table.

"So," Jim asked, "Sleep well?"

McCoy stared at the kid. Jim watched him for a second and then shrugged. God, how could Jim be this upbeat after everything they'd had to drink?

"So what's on the agenda for today?"

"You being less annoying," McCoy muttered.

Jim put an arm around his shoulders and grinned at him. "You know you love me."

McCoy shoved the arm off and reached for the pitcher of juice.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

After several hours Spock finally left. He would return later but there were a few things he wanted to get done before then. McCoy sat in the recliner watching Jim flip through channels on the television. Eventually they were going to have to talk about things. First and foremost they were going to have to revisit the discussion about not having sex in the apartment.

"Jim, television off please."

Jim shrugged and turned it off.

"What’s up?"

"There are a few things we really need to talk about." 

"Hey I got the bunking supplies put up this time."

"That’s not what I meant and you know it."

"If you’re talking about the dishes, I’ll get to them."

"What happened to no sex in my apartment?"

Jim winced. "Uh, about that…"

"Never mind that it was Spock." McCoy held up a hand to stop Jim from responding. "I don’t even want to know how it happened but I don’t want it to happen again."

"Sorry." 

"I bet. Don’t apologize for something you’re not sorry for. Just don’t do it again."

"Got it."

"Jim, about that."

"Won't happen again, Bones. Promise."

"Not in my apartment it won’t. But that’s not what I was going to say. Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"I thought you didn’t care who I slept with?"

"I don’t. This isn’t about that. It’s about you two having to work together. In my experience it’s never a good thing for coworkers to get involved with each other."

"It was one night. I’m not sure that qualifies as ‘involved’."

"You want it to be more than one night though."

"I don’t know what I want."

" _That_ I believe."

"I like him Bones."

"I know."

"I want this."

"I know."

"You still don’t like it."

"What happens if it doesn’t work out and you two have to work together?"

Jim shrugged. "I’ll transfer."

"The hell you will. You’re not leaving me stranded in space with your ex. Not to mention no other doctor will know how to cope with you. You don’t take care of yourself and you’re allergic to everything, and, oh yea, you're the captain."

Jim shrugged. "Then I’ll stay. Damn it Bones, I want this. Can’t you just let me have this? I’ll screw it up soon enough."

"That’s part of your problem. You need to let the past go."

" _Don’t_ go there Bones." 

"None of it was your fault." 

"Stop."

"No. You need someone to beat this into your thick skull."

"What I need is for you to stop bringing up my past. Nothing’s going to change it. It wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst and half of the shit I got, I brought down on myself."

"That’s not true and you know it."

"None of it matters."

"The hell it doesn’t."

"It’s the past, Bones. It doesn’t matter anymore."

"Oh yeah? How useful is that excuse when you’re having a nightmare?"

Jim glared at him.

"You want this to work with Spock? You need to deal with the past so it doesn’t screw this up. For whatever reason he likes you; you need to accept that."

"Who says I don’t?"

McCoy folded his arms across his chest. "You did. Last night."

"Last night I was drunk. Who knows what I said?"

"I do and I’m willing to bet you do too."

"Damn it Bones, I just want to forget it and move on."

"You can’t move on if you don’t deal with it Jim."

"What do you want from me?"

"For starters I want you to accept none of what they did was your fault."

Jim pressed his lips together and looked away. God damn them, Bones thought. 

Being Jim’s doctor he had access to Jim’s medical records. The sheer number of injuries, not to mention the various different types was troubling. At first he accepted most of the convenient excuses the kid had given. When he got to know Jim better he could realize when the kid was lying to him. How many other people had bought those lies? How many other people didn’t bother to question any of it? How did he manage to fall through the cracks his whole life? How did not _one_ single person realize how badly he was being abused in that home? 

"Bones," Jim said tentatively.

McCoy turned and looked back at Jim. Jim was looking at him apprehensively and seemed ready to bolt. Damn it, McCoy thought. How the hell am I supposed to get him to deal with his past if I can’t even deal with it?

"Get shoes on kid," McCoy ordered as he stood.

\---------

Shoes? Um, okay, that was unexpected. James grabbed his shoes and started putting them on. For a while Bones had an odd expression on his face. James hadn’t known what to make of it. When he heard the low growl he got a little scared Bones was really pissed at him. He didn’t know what he had done this time or how to fix it. Then Bones ordered him to put his shoes on? Why? What if he was pissed but didn’t want to do anything about it here? What if... James froze with only one of his shoes on.

"Shoes kid. Now."

"Um. Where are we going? I mean. If you don’t mind telling me. Um… I mean…"

Annnnd Bones was staring at him. James tensed and fought the urge to flee.

"Where are you right now Jimmy," Bones asked quietly.

He tried but he couldn’t get the words out. James finally just dropped his head and stared at the shoe he had yet to put on.

\---------

McCoy ran a hand through his hair and sat down on the couch.

"You’re safe here. You know that."

Jim looked away. "But we’re not staying here. We’re leaving," he whispered.

McCoy closed his eyes and shook his head. Damn it!

"We’re leaving to get lunch. That’s it. Just lunch Jimmy." 

"Lunch," Jim asked, without looking at him.

Oh yeah, if he ever found those people he was definitely going to let them know what he thought about their ‘parenting skills’.

"Yes. Lunch. Just lunch. Okay?" 

Jim nodded.

"Alright then. Shoes," he ordered as he stood again.

"Wait."

McCoy stopped. Turning back he waited for Jim to continue. 

"Can we just... Can we just order something and eat here? I mean, if you don’t mind."

McCoy sighed. "Sure kid."

"Sorry," Jim said quietly as he looked away.

McCoy sat on the couch. "Jim. Look at me please." Jim shook his head and refused to turn around. "Please?" Jim shook his head again. Okay, fine. He wasn’t going to force Jim to do anything. "You don’t have to be sorry for wanting to feel safe. Okay?" No response. "If I have to sit here and talk to your back the least you can do is acknowledge me."

"It just feels stupid."

"It’s not stupid."

"It feels like it."

"I can’t help with how it feels, but it’s not stupid. Everyone wants to feel safe."

"It’s stupid I can’t leave here when I feel like this."

"No, it’s not. Don’t push yourself Jimmy. Okay?"

"You’re the only one that calls me that."

McCoy smiled softly. "I know."

"If you really want to go out to lunch I can try, or I could stay here while you go," Jim offered.

"I’ll order take out and we’re both staying." Like hell he was leaving Jim alone right now.

Jim finally looked over at him and gave a small smile. "Thanks."

McCoy shook his head and went to order lunch.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Spock knocked on the door to the apartment and waited. McCoy answered the door with a book in his hand and waved him in. The doctor shut the door quietly and led him over to the couch. Spock glanced around but didn’t see Jim anywhere. He sat down and waited for McCoy to speak.

"How serious is this for you," McCoy asked quietly. "And keep your voice down, Jim’s sleeping."

Spock blinked at the man. "Are you referring to my interest in Jim?"

"Yeah, how serious is it for you?"

"I don’t know," Spock answered truthfully.

"You better figure it out pretty quick. Jim’s an ass at times but there’s always a reason for everything. If you aren’t interested in anything serious you need to tell him; the earlier, the better."

"Understood."

"And if I find out you did something to hurt him on purpose you’re not going to like the results. Am I extremely clear?"

"Yes doctor."

"Good." McCoy leaned back against the couch and checked the clock on the wall. "Jim will probably wake up in an hour or so. Since he always wakes up hungry we’re going to have to feed him or we’re going to hear about how we’re starving him."

Spock nodded. "Understood. Might I ask you a question?"

"That was a question Spock," McCoy replied with a smirk.

"Indeed. Another question then?"

"Yeah, go for it."

"Where is Jim sleeping?"

McCoy eyed him for a long moment. "In my bed," the doctor answered, his face unreadable.

"I was under the impression that no one else was allowed to sleep in your bed."

McCoy glanced back at the bedroom door. "Jim’s… a special case."

"I see."

"No, you don’t."

"Could you enlighten me then?"

"No."

"I see."

"Damn it Spock. Look, all I can say is this. There are reasons I make special allowances for him. I can’t explain those reasons to you, that’s not my place."

"I understand; another question then. Can I ask if any of those reasons are because," Spock paused trying to find a delicate way to ask this. "Was there ever something ‘more personal’ between you both?"

"More… personal?" McCoy stared at him. "Are you asking if Jim and I ever hooked up?"

"I would not have phrased it quite that way."

"Well don’t phrase it any way. Never happened, never going to happen. Not ever. My relationship with Jim is not, has not been, will never be that kind of relationship. Is that clear enough?" 

Spock nodded. He was about to ask another question when he heard something. 

"Damn it," McCoy growled. "Stay. Here."

As McCoy opened the door to the bedroom Spock caught sight of Jim tossing in McCoy’s bed before the doctor shut the door.

******

Figures, McCoy thought to himself. Jim hadn’t had a nightmare in a few days but with everything they’d discussed earlier this wasn’t exactly unexpected. Hopefully Spock kept his ass out of this and didn’t say anything about it. McCoy moved to the edge of the bed and watched. He waited until Jim turned and the kid’s back was to him. Quickly he reached down and pinned the kid’s arms to keep from being hit accidentally. Jim’s arms jerked trying to break out of his grip.

"Don’t!"

"It’s okay Jimmy. Wake up, it’s just a nightmare. Come on Jimmy, wake up." 

"I didn’t mean to… please…"

The begging tore at McCoy’s heart. He had to get Jim to wake up.

"Hey, kid. Come on, wake up. You gotta wake up now. It’s a dream. It’s not real." Damn it! "Jimmy!"

Jim’s eyes shot open. He flinched away as soon as he saw McCoy. 

"Hey. You’re okay kid. It’s just a dream. You’re awake now. You’re not there anymore. You’re here. You’re safe. You’re always safe here. You know that." 

And nothing… 

"Come on Jimmy, talk to me please."

"Bones," Jim asked skeptically.

McCoy finally let go of Jim’s arms. "Yeah kid. It’s me."

"Your apartment?"

"Yeah, kid. My apartment and safe. Okay?"

Jim nodded quietly.

\---------

Spock didn’t eavesdrop on purpose; his hearing was really just that good. It was hard _not_ to pay attention to what he was hearing. Some of it was too quiet for him to hear well, but he caught enough. It was obvious Jim was having a nightmare from the time McCoy had opened the door. It was now equally obvious the doctor was used to these nightmares. Did that mean Jim had them often? What was most disturbing was the fact that McCoy seemed to have to constantly remind Jim he was safe. What happened in the past that he hadn’t been safe from? Was that part of what the doctor wouldn’t talk about? It was almost twenty minutes before McCoy finally exited the bedroom.

"Give him a minute," McCoy said dropping into the recliner.

Spock nodded. "Doctor…"

"No. And don’t ask."

They sat in silence for another five minutes before the bedroom door finally opened. Jim walked out closing the door behind himself and yawned. When Jim looked over and met his eyes Spock saw a smile starting to form before Jim ducked his head. Finally Jim walked over and sat down next to him.

"So what’s for dinner?"

McCoy shook his head and turned to Spock. "Told you," he said before turning back to Jim. "I figured we’d order some pizza or some thing and eat here."

"No." Jim hesitated. "I _want_ to go out, Bones" Jim said staring intently at the doctor. 

Spock knew there was more going on here even if he didn’t understand what it was.

\---------

McCoy hesitated. Jim definitely did not want to go out. He was pushing himself, damned fool. Should he give in? "I don’t know," he said cautiously. "You’re sure?"

"Yes."

"Damn it. Fine."

Jim made it almost impossible to help him. Why did he even bother? _Yep, that’s right. You shouldn’t bother. Just give up on him like everyone else._ He growled at the thought and stood. "Since you’re so adamant we go out I get to pick the place."

"But I know this really great restaurant you haven’t been to yet. It’s not far-"

"No."

"Please?" Jim batted his eyelashes at McCoy.

"No. And stop flirting at me."

"Aw, are you saying you don’t care about me?"

McCoy threw his hands up. "Okay, fine. If I don’t cave I’ll have to deal with this all night. It’s not worth it."

Jim turned to Spock. "See, I knew he cared," he said with a wink.

Spock shook his head and smiled.

\---------

James breathed a silent sigh of relief when McCoy agreed to go out for dinner. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life hiding from memories. He had to push himself past them. When Bones said he wanted to pick the place James couldn’t stop from playing with him. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to try the new restaurant, exactly. It was just fun to fuck with Bones sometimes.

As they got ready to leave James felt the apprehension build. This was all still fairly new. Growing up he had never had a place where he felt truly safe. When he met Bones he analyzed the doctor and came up with the best plan to explain away his medical record as he always did when he had to see a doctor. For a while, it worked. Somewhere along the way Bones began questioning his explanations until one day Bones flat out called him on his lies. The doctor had cornered him in his office and refused to let him leave. James patiently tried to explain he hadn’t precisely lied because of this reason or that reason and Bones called bullshit. 

James supposed that’s where it all began. In the beginning it started with the doctor guessing based on the medical records. He hadn’t got some it exactly right but his guesses were so close it was uncanny. James finally gave in and told the doctor about of some of the small injuries; the ‘less traumatic’ ones. There was still a lot he hadn’t told Bones, but it had been enough for Bones to put two and two together with the medical records. Bones’ concern for him became stifling. 

James hadn’t really experienced it before and didn’t know what to do about it. He did everything he could to push Bones away, including a last ditch effort of flirting with the man. Bones just stared at him and then demanded he ‘quit stalling and answer the damned question’. James smiled at the thought. Actually Bones was kind of cute when he was mad. Not his type, but still cute; Spock, on the other hand... James glanced over to the Vulcan. God, what the hell is wrong with me? You couldn’t wait one fucking night? Who knows what he thinks about me now…

"Jimmy, hurry it up!"

James rolled his eyes. "Hey, don’t rush me. I have to make sure I look my best," he countered.

As they were actually leaving James felt himself hesitating as he approached the door. He pushed himself to pick up the pace and actually managed to walk through the door without slowing down. So far so good, he told himself. He could do this.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

It was rough but Jim seemed to be doing okay, well, okay-ish. McCoy watched Jim the whole time to make sure the boy was doing alright. Strangely McCoy would sometimes catch Spock watching them both carefully as well. Yeah, well let him think what he wants. If Jim wants him to know anything he’ll tell him. Until then, Spock was just going to have to be content with guessing. Jim did seem to be doing better. There was a tenseness that Jim didn’t usually have but that seemed to be it. So far, so good, McCoy thought.

When they finally made it back to the apartment McCoy almost sighed in relief. Jim’s shoulders loosened almost the second they walked through the door. Thank God, McCoy thought. Maybe they had made it through this worst of it this time. Jim flopped down onto the couch and propped his feet up on the coffee table. McCoy rolled his eyes.

"Feet down, Jim!"

"Sorry," Jim said instantly dropping his feet.

McCoy rolled his eyes again. In five minutes the kid would forget and put his feet back on the table. Spock sat on the couch and McCoy moved to sit in his recliner. He was the only one that usually got to sit in it. Once when Bones had come back from some date or another he found Jim sleeping in it. He had tossed a blanket over the kid and gone to bed. He lay awake waiting. Not surprisingly Jim had had woken up later and joined him in the bed. If Jim was sleeping in the recliner then it had been a safe bet that he had been upset about something. For the most part they didn’t discuss things like that. He was pretty sure they needed to talk about some of it but couldn’t bring himself to push Jim too much.

\---------

Spock sat watching the doctor and Jim carefully. He had spent most of the night trying to piece things together. There were precious few clues to go on. McCoy was oddly protective of Jim. Something happened to Jim that caused nightmares. McCoy knew something about it if not everything. No one talked about it. Would they if I wasn’t here, Spock wondered. Probably not. Neither struck him as the 'sharing' type. And there was the odd reaction when Spock had mentioned him staying with family instead of with McCoy. How did that fit into everything? 

"You do not talk about your family," Spock observed.

Jim’s face blanked for a moment and McCoy glared at Spock. Interesting reactions.

Jim shrugged. "There’s not much to say," Jim told him. "They died. I was raised in a foster family. I left just before I turned seventeen and haven’t seen them since." Jim shrugged again.

"Is it not customary to stay until you are eighteen?"

"Spock," McCoy said in an odd tone.

"It’s okay Bones," Jim replied. "I’ve been asked about them before. It’s nothing new."

McCoy cast a look at Jim that Spock couldn’t read. Jim didn't seem to notice. There was something there, but should he push? It was logical but it didn’t seem wise. 

"I’ve always had a problem with staying in one place," Jim continued. 

McCoy grunted at the remark.

Spock decided to change tactics.

"I’ve thought a lot about this relationship."

"Yeah," Jim asked carefully.

"I think I would be okay with it if this were to turn into something more permanent later," Spock said carefully. He didn’t want to push Jim too fast but he wanted to let Jim know he wasn’t opposed to a more ‘solid’ relationship. McCoy was eyeing him suspiciously but didn’t say anything.

"Permanent…"

"Later, if you feel the same then. I was just stating that I would not be opposed to the idea." Not opposed was putting it mildly, Spock thought.

Jim paused before he responded. "We’ll see," he finally said.

\---------

McCoy watched Spock carefully. If Spock ever hurt Jim on purpose… McCoy had a lot of ‘displeasure’ to take out on people that hurt Jim and no one to confront. On one hand this could be very good for Jim. On the other hand this could be very bad for both Jim and Spock. Jim wasn’t good with serious relationships and there was a lot Spock didn’t know. The problem was, Bones couldn’t tell Spock and Jim wouldn’t. That left them all between a rock and a hard place.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Opening the bedroom door McCoy noted the blanket half on and half off the couch. Jim never used a pillow so the lack of one wasn’t surprising. What would have been surprising would have been if Jim had actually put the blanket away without being reminded. McCoy glanced at the kitchen table and spotted the note. He ignored it for the time being and went to fold the blanket. Jim was actually pretty good about leaving notes if he was going to be gone for a while. 

They were never really informative but it was the thought, right? After putting the blanket away he sat down at the kitchen table and skimmed the note. _‘Gone to do stuff. Be back later. Maybe not tonight. See you soon.’_ McCoy rolled his eyes. As predicted, not really informative. He set the note aside and debated what to do today.

*-*-*-*-*-*Later that evening*-*-*-*-*-*

"Step off if you know what's good for your health."

"I've never worried about that before." 

James shrugged and downed his drink.

"There's four of us and one of you." 

James rolled his eyes. "So go get more, I'll wait. Tell you what, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. When I get back you get the first shot." James raised an eyebrow at the man before turning and making his way to the head. God, he couldn't do this again. The violence would be good. At least he could hit them back. However it wasn't these idiots he was angry with. _'It's yourself that deser...'_ STOP! Not going there. This was getting to be too much of a pattern. Sighing, James pulled out his comm. and contacted McCoy.

*-*-*-*-*-*

_"Bones?"_

Jim? McCoy narrowed his eyes. He grabbed the communicator and answered.

"Yeah?"

_"Hey, I think I need a ride home."_

"What did you do now?"

_"What makes you think I did anything?"_

"Damn it. Where are you?"

\----------

Spock turned to the communicator and raised an eyebrow. He kept it with him only because of protocol. He didn't anticipate as much use as it seemed to be getting.

"Spock here."

_"I need you grab Jim. I'll be there soon, but you're closer."_

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"You should have left when you had the chance."

James rolled his eyes and ignored the man.

"Hey!" The man shoved him again. 

James' drink sloshed over the side of the glass. He drew back a fist and someone grabbed his arm. James turned to attack the new threat and stopped dead. Spock?

"Excuse my abrupt appearance. Dr. McCoy implied you might be able to use a ride."

Bones called Spock, Kirk thought blearily. Great. Just great...

"Hey!" 

The man grabbed Spock and turned him around.

"Please discontinue this," Spock stated as he yanked his arm out of the man's grasp. Spock turned back to Jim and the man grabbed Spock's arm once again. 

"Listen here you pointy-eared bastard!"

"Excuse me, my parents where married," Spock told the man with a curt nod of his head. He jerked his arm free once more. 

"We really need to be leaving," he told Jim.

"I'm not ready to leave!" Jim declared belligerently.

"We _are_ leaving," Spock stated as he gently took Jim's elbow in hand.

"Neither of you are going anywhere but maybe the hospital," the drunk proclaimed.

Spock stopped and took a deep breath. Humans were illogical. He had to get Jim out of here. 

"Jim-"

"Hey, dipshit!"

Spock took another breath and continued trying to ignore the man. "We really need to be going, now."

"Fucking faggots! Fight like men," the drunk cried. Reaching over Spock's shoulder he punched Jim. That was all it took.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Owww. James turned back to take out the threat and Spock already had the man on the ground. James stood stunned watching as Spock methodically beat the drunk. Jesus, Spock was going to kill the guy if he wasn't careful. He had to stop this. He reached forward to try to pry them apart when security showed and roughly shoved him backward. James stumbled trying to keep his footing.

"Jim!" A voice called from the door.

James twisted his head back at the sound of his name. Bones?

"I didn't do it this time," he yelled across the room to the doctor.

"Spock," Bones exclaimed.

\---------

McCoy started toward the struggling combatants when a frustrated security officer just stunned the whole group. James, having just been shoved away, missed being stunned with the rest of the group. McCoy shoved his way through the crowd. "Move!" 

Security stopped him from getting any closer. "Stop. Sorry we can't let you through."

"The hell you won't. I'm his doctor," Bones told the man as he shoved his way past.

"Doctor?"

McCoy ignored the man's confusion and dropped down check on Spock.

"I didn't do it this time," Jim reaffirmed

"Shut it," McCoy told him. _God he couldn't do this anymore._

"I want to see your security videos," he told the man. 

"Now!"

"All I did was-"

"Stop Jim." McCoy turned back to the security personnel. "Surveillance vids. Now."

*************

The doctor winced as he watched Spock turn and start beating the man that had just hit Jim. As he continued watching the video something nagged at the edge of his consciousness. The the single minded violence, the ferocity... No, Bones thought. It was almost like Spock thought of Jim as his mate. He can't, Bones thought. They just started... whatever the hell their relationship was. There's no way he thinks that yet. 

Jim gave McCoy a self-satisfied smirk. "Told you I didn't start it."

McCoy rolled his eyes before he shook his head. This was definitely not good.

"I should check him over," Bones told the security personnel as he nodded to the man Spock had beaten. The least he could do was make sure the man didn't have life-threatening injuries.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

His eyes popped open. _Where the am I,_ Spock thought... McCoy's apartment, he suddenly realized and groaned. He could still feel the after effects of having been stunned by the bar's security. The doctor was presumably in his bedroom. Jim was sleeping on the couch. Spock's eyes focused on Jim. _No,_ he told himself. I _do not_ think of him as my mate. I can't. He had to leave. There was too much to think about before he talked to Jim again. Quietly he made his way to the door and gave Jim one last look before finally leaving.

\--------

McCoy opened his eyes. His first thought was a nightmare; that was usually what woke him up. He checked the living room. Jim was still sleeping fairly soundly and Spock was... missing. If Spock wasn't back by the time Jim woke up... McCoy rubbed his face and headed back to his bedroom.

\--------

_"I said get back here. Now."_

"I am preoccupied at the moment doctor. I will return as soon as I have time."

_"Damn it Spock, if you're not here when Jim wakes up-"_

"I will talk to you soon. Goodbye doctor."

Spock cut the conversation short. He still hadn't figured out what to do about everything. He still didn't believe he could think of Jim as his mate; not so quickly. These things took longer to happen. Didn't they? He needed to find someone he could ask about these things. Preferably someone not his father.


	2. Chapter 2

Spock stopped himself before knocking on McCoy's door. He could hear the two arguing. He stood there trying to understand what was going on, unsure if he should make his presence known. 

_"You do this every time!"_

_"You know how I am! If you don't like it why do you want to be around me?"_

_"Damn it Jimmy, you can't run from everything!"_

_"He's the one that 'ran away' this time."_

_"He had things to do!"_

_"Just get out of my way!"_

_"No!"_

Spock sighed and finally knocked on the door. He didn't bother waiting for the doctor to answer. Opening the door he walked in and shut the door. He took in the scene before saying anything. McCoy was standing a few feet in front of him between Jim and the door. The doctor was looking back over his shoulder as Spock entered. Jim stood almost toe to toe with the doctor glaring at him. When Jim finally looked at Spock there was a flicker of some emotion before it disappeared behind a look of indifference.

"So what brings _you_ back," Jim asked.

"The simplest answer? You," Spock told him.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That could take some time. Perhaps we should sit down?" 

Spock raised an eyebrow while he waited. Jim finally stalked over to the couch and dropped onto it. Spock turned to the doctor; McCoy crossed his arms but didn't move. Shaking his head Spock finally walked over to the couch and sat down. 

"I do apologize for not being here earlier. There were some things I had to think through. I have recently had a," Spock paused searching for an appropriate word. "A 'startling' revelation. I required some time to analyze it."

"Just what is the 'startling' revelation'?"

Spock searched for the best way to put this. "Occasionally a Vulcan will find someone they feel a certain _connection_ with. Usually both parties are Vulcan, but not always, as was such with my mother and father. In light of certain events, especially my actions last night at the bar, I think I might be feeling the effects from such a bonding. 

"How is that even possible this early," McCoy asked as he walked over and stood next to the recliner.

"Wait," Jim interjected. "What?"

"Sometimes a Vulcan will feel a 'bond' with someone. A pull to be with that person and only that person. It only happens once though. It is an innate thing. We cannot control when or if it happens."

"Vulcan's mate Jim," McCoy interrupted. "Some get 'married', as you would think of it, but mating is different. More intense, as I understand it. More permanent..." 

"So... You're saying you feel compelled to be with because of this 'bonding'? Not for any other reason?"

"No." Spock chose his words carefully. "I wish to be with you because I care about you. Bonding just adds to the feelings already present. The doctor is correct though. Usually it does not occur so soon. I am in no way pushing you for more than you're willing to give. I just wanted to be completely honest with you."

"So what exactly does this mean," Jim asked.

"For me or for you?" 

"Both."

"For you? I doubt anything significant. Generally a non-Vulcan half of a bonded pair does not experience any change. Some have but the aspects they acquired were usually smaller ones. Knowing when the other was thinking of them, knowing what the other was feeling, little things like that." 

"And you?"

Spock hesitated. "For me? It would be 'difficult' for me to see you in danger or lose you. Vulcans do not do well if they lose their mates."

"Difficult how?"

"I am not sure answering that is a good idea."

"Why?"

"I do not wish to push you."

"Tell him," McCoy insisted. "Tell him and maybe you can beat it into his thick skull that you love him and aren't going to leave."

"Who the fuck's talking about love," Jim yelled at the doctor.

"He is! Aren't you listening to him," McCoy yelled back.

Spock tried to interject. "Doctor-"

"There's no way he feels that right now!"

Spock tried again. "Jim-"

"Open your ears and pay attention! What the hell do you think 'bonding' is?"

"Enough," Spock yelled. Strangely, both stopped yelling at each other and turned to face him. Pressing on while he had their attention he addressed the doctor first. "I was attempting _not_ to put pressure on him and push for too much, too fast." He turned to Jim. "The doctor is not far from the truth. It would be similar to what you think of as love. For a bonded Vulcan, though, it is a little... stronger than that. If I were to lose you I would learn to cope but the experience would be... 'more than unpleasant'."

Spock watched Jim process everything.

"What do you mean unpleasant? How does it happen? Why? What comes first? When did this start? Are you sure? Can you be mistaken?"

Spock did his best to answer the questions succinctly. He purposely ignored the first question. "It just happens. We cannot control it. I do not know why. Love would come first. If it truly is love the bond happens. As I stated, we cannot control it. I believe it started just after we were... together. After thinking though everything, yes, I am sure. I do not believe I am mistaken about this." 

Jim just stared at him.

"Would it help to ask more questions?"

"I'm not sure anything would be helpful right now. God, I'm too sober for this."

"No, you deal with this first," McCoy ordered.

"I didn't say I was going to drink. Just that I wanted too," Jim snapped. "I don't... I mean... How does this work?"

"Nothing changes," Spock informed him. _For you... If Jim decided to break this off..._

Unpleasant didn't begin to describe what happened when a Vulcan lost their mate. That was why the bonding usually only happened between Vulcans and generally took longer to happen. So that both parties knew how they truly felt and if the relationship would work. Also because it was based in the love that person already felt for their partner. Theoretically, though, it could happen at anytime they knew they loved each other. _But I didn't_ know _I loved him,_ Spock thought.

\--------- 

He really, really couldn't do this right now. Yeah, he cared about Spock. Yeah, he wanted to keep him. He could totally see spending forever with the man. The problem was he always screwed up everything. How the hell was he supposed to deal with this. Unable to sit still James stood and started to pace. So... basically Spock was saying he loved him? 

\---------

McCoy watched Jim stand and tensed to stop him from leaving. When Jim started pacing McCoy relaxed slightly and waited. Now was not a good time to push Jim overtly. The only thing he could do was wait and make sure Jim did deal with this. Jim stopped and turned back to them. He opened his mouth to say something and shut it again. Jim resumed pacing and McCoy resisted the urge to grab the boy and shake sense into him. Finally Jim stopped pacing again.

"So, does this effect anything on the _Enterprise_?"

"In truth? Only if I were to lose you. I cannot predict how I might react at that point."

McCoy mentally eye-rolled. Spock was putting things lightly. He had been there when Spock's father had lost his wife. He'd done everything he could to help the man. Nothing had been particularly effective. No drug or treatment could effectively dull the pain of a Vulcan losing their mate so there was very little he could do. If Spock were to ever lose Jim? Not going there.

"Does it change anything else," Jim asked.

"No. I will still not press you."

"But you want to?"

Spock hesitated. "Honestly? I want to wake up with you every morning. I want your face to be the first thing I see waking up and the last thing I see before I sleep. I will be happy with whatever I can have. Don't get me wrong, I want everything about you. But I want it when you're ready. Not before. The very last thing I want is to press for this and end up with nothing. Can you understand that?"

"Honestly? No."

\---------

James resumed pacing. Spock wanted precisely what he wanted? How weird was that? Spock just wasn't going to push for it because he thinks I'm not ready to want the same thing? What the hell? To be fair, James wasn't sure if he was ready for it, he just knew he wanted it. He had wanted it for a long time now he just didn't think Spock would want him. He was going to have to find out more about this 'bonding' thing. James stopped pacing while he was facing away from them both.

"I do want you," James finally admitted. "It's just hard."

"Wanting me," Spock asked.

James snorted and turned around to face the others. "That part was easy." He sighed. "Accepting you want me is hard. I can't explain it right now, please don't ask. It's just hard to believe. You know?"

"No. I accept it though."

James snorted again.

\---------

McCoy stared at the Vulcan. Jesus, it was almost as if he knew exactly how to reach Jim. How did he know prescisely what to say? Bond, McCoy reminded himself. Still, they hadn't known each other for near long enough for Spock bond with Jim in the first place or read him like that. Sure Jim was still defensive but the Vulcan was cutting through it faster than McCoy ever could, even with how well he knew Jim. 

"Jim," Spock began. He waited until Jim turned back to face them before continuing. "I did not tell you this to push you faster than you are ready for. I did try to tell you it might be best not to know some specifics."

"No! I mean I need to know this stuff. Geez, just give me time to understand this."

"You have all the time you need. I promised you I would not press this." Spock paused for a moment. "Others have hurt you," he observed.

McCoy tensed and Jim's eyes narrowed at the doctor.

"I didn't say anything," McCoy declared instantly. "Not one damn thing."

"The doctor did not tell me anything personal. Please believe that. You mistrust people that care for you. You do not understand why anyone would care for you. It was only a logical conclusion," Spock stated tiredly. "And no, I am not pushing for you to discuss anything with me. Not until you are ready." 

"That'll be the day," McCoy huffed.

Spock ignored the doctor. "I have a request. Do not decide anything yet. Think over everything first. Please?"

\---------

Did Spock think he was getting ready to break this off? 

"I want you," James told Spock. "I just need time, okay?"

Spock smiled sadly and didn't meet his eyes. "Time I have. I just worry how I will react if I press too hard and lose you."

Spock finally met his eyes and gifted him with a real smile. James couldn't help but smile back. I'm definitely not going to be the one that ends this realationship. "Right, I think we could all use some sleep now." 

"Sleep," Bones asked raising an eyebrow.

James winced at the implied accusation. 

"I assure you doctor. If I may stay, I would do no more than sleep tonight."

James glanced to Bones waiting to see what the doctor would say.

"Fine. But sleep better be all you do," McCoy warned.

\---------

Spock closed his eyes lightly as he finally relaxed. As much as he couldn't bare the thought of losing Jim he couldn't press this. He knew Jim too well. If he pushed Jim he would definitely lose him. Jim had to make the decision on his own. So far so good, he comforted himself.

*-*-*-*-*

The next few days were good. Better than James would have anticipated. Maybe things were really going to be okay. There were meetings with Starfleet, all kinds of people vying for his time and every now and then his self-doubt threatened to break through. Throughout everything though, there was Spock. James whistled as he left the Starfleet building. Luckily this trip had been short. He didn't care much for the bureaucracy aspect. He'd feel so much better when they were back on the _Enterprise_ and back in space. Maybe he should see what Spock was up to? He changed course and headed for Spock's apartment instead of going back to Bones'. An idea struck him and he stopped. They hadn't actually had an official 'date' yet. Hm, well it was time to fix that. He'd make a quick stop or two before heading to Spock's.

\---------

"Anyone home," he called out as he let himself in. No one answered him and James tried to remember if Spock had somewhere he was supposed to be. Nothing sprang to mind so he shrugged and began unpacking.

*-*-*-*-*-*

When Spock opened the door the first thing he noticed were the lights. He always turned them off when he left. The second thing he noticed was the smell of food. Cautiously he let himself the rest of the way into his apartment and shut the door. The logical conclusion would be Jim but he hadn't said anything about stopping by. There was a noise from the bathroom and Spock waited. Jim walked out and smiled when he noticed Spock by the front door. 

"Hey, welcome back."

"This is unexpected."

Jim shrugged. "Figured we needed to have our first date," he said with a grin.

"First date," Spock asked, amused.

"Yeah, I don't figure the first night counted as a date," Jim told him. "I mean, there wasn't even any food," Jim said making a face. 

"Could you perhaps refresh me on some of the details from that night," Spock asked with a smirk. 

"Are you saying you've forgotten some of the details," Jim asked mischievously.

"Not any of the important ones," Spock assured him playfully.

"Food first."

"Desert?"

"After."

"Only if you promise."

"Agreed," Jim said laughing.

*****

Dinner was actually surprising; Jim cooked instead of grabbing take out.

"Where did you learn to cook?"

"It comes with living on your own. It was cook or starve so I learned to make semi-edible stuff." Jim smiled.

"It's better than semi-edible, Jim."

Jim shrugged and took another bite. "It's quick and easy, is what it is."

"Do you ever cook when you're at the doctor's place."

Jim almost choked on the bite of food before he swallowed it and laughed. "No. I offered to cook once and he turned me down. Adamantly, I might add. Personally I think he's worried I would burn down his apartment. Actually I kind of like cooking. I think I miss making breakfast the most. It's fine though, less dishes for me."

"You do dishes?"

"Only when I stay there." Jim shrugged. "It works out since I don't pay anything for staying there and I use more dishes than he does." 

Spock shook his head. Jim cooked and did dishes? Who would have guessed?

**

When they finished eating Spock cleared the table. "You cooked, I'll do the dishes later," he told Jim. Jim gave him a nod and made his way to the living room. Spock loaded the dishes into the sink and stood there for a moment thinking about everything. It was nice to come back to dinner and Jim. He could get used to this. You already are, he realized and shook his head. Everything about this just felt right. 

Needing to talk to someone about bonding with Jim, Spock had contacted the other Spock. There were so many questions and only a few people he could ask. He decided to talk with the other Spock instead of his... _their..._ father. He didn't want to discuss this with Sarek after the man just lost his mate. He smiled when he remembered the older Spock's parting words. _"Spock, in this case do yourself a favor. Put aside logic, do what feels right."_

"Hey, what's the hold up," Jim called from the living room.

Spock smiled. "On my way." When he entered the living room Jim was sitting on the couch holding something up.

"I grabbed a movie."

Spock smiled again, "Dinner and a movie?"

Jim shrugged. "It sounded good?"

*-*-*-*-*

 _He blinked a few times trying to figure out where he was._ Home, _his mind told him. Spock frowned, this was not where he had grown up._ Home, _his mind insisted. Carefully he inspected the living room he found himself in. No pictures on the walls, one couch, two chairs. There was an end table near the far side of the couch with a lamp on it. Heavy curtains hung from the windows making it unusually dark for mid afternoon. He didn't recognize anything._

 _A sound from somewhere else caught Spock's attention and he turned trying to find what it was. He strained trying to hear the noise again but there was no other sound. He turned slowly trying to see if anything looked familiar. Spock's eyes paused on the staircase._ 'There,' _his mind insisted. With nothing else to go on Spock followed his instincts and climbed the stairs. There were four doors at the top._

 __'There,' _his mind insisted again; the second one on the right. Again, Spock followed instincts. He paused momentarily with his hand on the door knob. Should he really be going through someone else's house?_ 'Yes,' _the voice in his mind said. Spock frowned at the incessant voice. There was something else inside pushing him to open the door. He tried to figure out what it was but it eluded him. Carefully he turned the knob and slowly pushed the door open. The room was sparsely furnished but what caught Spock's attention was the small blonde child sitting on the bed. The kid immediately fixated on Spock._

_"Hello," Spock said. There's something about his eyes, Spock thought._

_"Hi," the kid said. "Who are you?"_

_"My name is Spock," Spock told him._

_The kid cocked his head and inspected him. Spock waited._

_"That's a weird name."_

_"What is your name?"_

_The child straightened. "My name is James. James T. Kirk," the child announced._

_Spock's mouth opened slightly as his eyes widened. That's why he looked familiar._

_"Why are you here," the kid asked._

_Spock walked forward and crossed his legs as he sat down a few feet from the bed. "I don't know," he told the kid. "Where is here?"_

_The kid grinned and Spock instantly recognized it as one Jim's smiles. How did I not see it before?_

_"This is where I live," James said in an as-a-matter-of-fact voice. James moved to stand in front of Spock and inspected him some more. Spock noted several bruises on the kid's arms including one on the kid's forearm that looked like someone had grabbed him too hard._

_"Why are your ears like that?"_

_"I am a Vulcan."_

_"What's that," James asked as he sat down in front of Spock._

_"It is the name of people from the planet Vulcan."_

_The kid seemed to process that. He gave one sharp nod._

_"What happened to your arm," Spock asked._

_The kid screwed up his face in an angry expression and crossed his arms. "None of your business," he said defiantly._

_He still looks just like himself when he does that, Spock thought. Spock smiled. Suddenly the anger disappeared from the kid's face and James leaned forward carefully inspecting Spock face. Spock waited._

_"Do you have a mom?"_

_Spock frowned at the question. "I used to," he told James._

_"Did she die?"_

_"Yes," Spock told him sadly._

_"Mine too." the kid pressed his lips together and seemed to be thinking about something. "Wanna be friends?"_

_Spock smiled. "If you would like."_

_"Yeah. I think so."_

_"Okay then."_

_The sound of a door slamming echoed from somewhere on the bottom floor. James jumped up and looked over to the bedroom door. Spock glanced at the door then back to James. Something in the kid's face raised Spock's protective instincts. "What is it?"_

_James turned and looked at Spock like he had forgotten Spock was even there. "Are you going to stay?"_

_"Yes," Spock replied instantly._

_James ran forward and hugged him. Spock reached down and put his arms protectively around the younger James. "You're safe with me here," he told James. "I will_ never _let anything hurt you."_

_"I know," James whispered._

*-*-*-*-*

Spock's eyes flew open and he instantly turned to check on Jim. Jim was sleeping soundly on his side with a small smile on his face. Spock closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was a dream, just a dream. He took another deep breath and let it out. Opening his eyes he stared at the ceiling. It wasn't like any other dream he'd had before. Was it a dream? What if it was really a moment from Jim's past? Spock thought back to the look on the kid's face after they had heard the door slam. The kid had been terrified. He growled as he fought the urge hurt something. 

A hand brushed his arm and Spock turned back to check on Jim. Jim mumbled something and Spock shifted his arm closer. Jim reached out again and settled his hand on Spock's arm. After a while Jim mumbled again. Knowing what Jim wanted, Spock moved to lie closer to him. Jim snuggled into him and threw an arm across Spock.

"Mmm..." Jim murmured sleepily.

Spock put the arm Jim wasn't laying on over Jim's arm. He tried to fall asleep again but couldn't. If it was a real moment in Jim's past that came through because of the bond, this could be bad. For whatever reason Jim didn't want to talk about his past. If the reason Spock was guessing was correct, he could understand why. Should he say something about this? If he didn't say anything and Jim found out...

\---------

James opened eyes and yawned. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. For the first time in ages he slept comfortably. He could get used to this. Feeling loved... safe. James frowned, safe? He didn't need anyone to keep him safe, he kept himself safe. No one else had ever cared enough so he learned to depend on himself. He glanced over to Spock's side of the bed. And just where was Spock? How long had he been gone? James got out of bed and got dressed. Opening the bedroom door Jim paused. He smelled food; his stomach growled. He made his way to the kitchen.

"Good morning," Spock greeted him.

James nodded and sat down at the table. A wave of apprehension suddenly hit him and James shook it off. Where the hell did that come from, he thought.

"I got breakfast."

"You woke up early," James noted.

"Yes. Perhaps we should eat while it is warm?"

James looked at the food then back to Spock. "You're avoiding something." James watched Spock watching him. Finally Spock spoke.

"I am not avoiding entirely. I decided it could wait until after breakfast."

He considered Spock's statement and ran through all the potential meanings. What could wait? Doubt began to nag at him. He shoved it away. There were a lot of things this could be. It didn't have to be anything bad, he told himself. _Then why won't he talk about it now?_ James shook his head to clear it.

"Jim?"

James looked up at Spock. Spock was watching him carefully. More doubt began to creep in. He tried to push it away again but it felt harder than it should have been. He had to know what was going on in Spock's head. "What aren't you telling me?"

"I think we should eat first," Spock replied.

James picked up a fork and stared at the food. Sure, he was hungry but he was too worried to eat. He picked at the food and finally looked up. "Got coffee?"

"No, sorry. I have tea," Spock offered.

Jim clenched his jaw. Stop, he ordered himself. Don't sabotage this. You're being way too defensive. Even more than normal this time. You need to stop. Now.

"No, thank you." he grit out.

"Are you alright?"

"No." Damn it!

\---------

Spock blinked in confusion. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"I tried to talk about it. _You_ didn't want to talk about it," Jim yelled angrily.

"Jim-"

"No. I can't do... whatever this is."

Spock took a deep breath. "You can't do whatever, 'what' is," Spock asked carefully.

"And who doesn't have coffee in the morning?"

"Me," Spock said quietly, trying to figure out what was going on. "I can get some if you would like," he offered.

"Don't bother."

"Your argument is illogical, Jim. You are obviously upset about something else."

"I'm illogical? You don't have coffee in your house and I'm illogical?" 

" _This argument_ is illogical," Spock corrected him. "If you do not want to talk about what is wrong I cannot fix anything."

"Who says I need you to fix anything?"

"I see," Spock stated. He slowly stood up from the table. "I am going for a walk. If there is anything you wish to talk about when I return we can talk then," he said calmly. He walked to the door, opened it and carefully closed it behind himself. He stood there, outside his apartment, for a moment unable to think. He took a deep breath and released it slowly.

 

\---------

Jim sat stunned. Something was wrong. Yeah, he was worried about whatever Spock wanted to talk about but that reaction was a little strong, even for him. Actually it was way too strong he thought with a small frown. He shook his head. Doesn't matter. I don't need anyone to fix me, I can take care of myself. _Then why do you feel abandoned?_ Jim growled. _I do not feel abandoned!_ He looked down at the plate in front of him. Suddenly he wasn't hungry anymore. He looked around the apartment. Spock's apartment. He had to get out of here.

*-*-*-*-*

Spock felt his left eyebrow twitch. This outburst wasn't about coffee but damned if he knew what was wrong. He couldn't fix anything if he didn't know was wrong. He thought back on the conversation they'd had. It wasn't until Spock had postponed discussing his dream that Jim had gone from wary to agitated. Spock winced. Mistrust. Of course Jim was agitated when Spock avoided talking about what was wrong. Jim was friendly and outgoing, yes, but not trusting. When Spock postponed the discussion Jim's mind would have supplied an answer. Even if it was the wrong answer. Spock thought back about the dream again. 

After he realized he wasn't going to be able to sleep anymore he had gotten up. Going into the living room Spock sat on the floor and meditated. When he finished meditating he spent time thinking about the various aspects of the 'dream'. He finally had to conclude it wasn't so much of a dream as it was a message through his bond to Jim. He felt the urge to hurt whatever had terrified the younger Jim and did his best to push it away.

*-*-*-*-*

No alcohol, he scolded himself. He still hadn't figured out what to do next. He sat on a bench in a park a few blocks from Bones' apartment while he thought about everything. No way he was going back to Bone's apartment right now and he couldn't go back to Spock's. What was going to happen when they had to report for duty again? Someone sat down next to him. James turned to his left and inspected the woman beside him; short with blonde hair and blue eyes. Completely, absolutely, one hundred percent nothing like Spock. She gave him a friendly smile and a light bulb went off in his head. He knew how he would distract himself this time. 

"James Kirk," he told her with his best grin. 

"Tara," she replied while smiling.

Yep, definitely found his distraction.

*-*-*-*-*

McCoy frowned at Spock's voice coming from the comm. 

"McCoy here."

_"Have you seen Jim recently?"_

He frowned again. "Not since yesterday morning. He had a meeting at Starfleet and didn't come back here after it was over."

_"I know. He came to my apartment."_

"He went to your apartment and _you're_ asking _me_ where he is?" McCoy started to say something more when his door opened and Jim walked in. "I got him," he told Spock and promptly turned the communicator off.

"Heya Bones," Jim greeted with a blatantly false smile.

"I know you better than that Jim."

Jim dropped the smile and shrugged. Walking forward he plopped down on the couch and reached for the remote.

"No," McCoy told him snatching the remote up.

Jim shrugged again, put his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling.

McCoy rolled his eyes, locked his front door and sat in the recliner. "What happened with you and Spock?"

Jim scowled but said nothing.

"Damn it, tell me."

"Dunno really."

"You. Don't. Know?"

"Nope." Jim started whistling.

McCoy closed his eyes lightly. _Give me the strength to help this kid._ "If you don't tell me anything I'm asking Spock."

Jim stopped whistling and glared at the ceiling. "Fine," James finally answered. He sat up, leaned back scowling and crossed his arms. "I woke up. There was breakfast. Spock wouldn't talk to me. He left. I left. That about sums up everything. And yes, I locked his apartment. Hope he had his keys."

McCoy stared at Jim. "He got you breakfast?"

"Yes."

"Then he wouldn't talk to you?"

James hesitated and McCoy pounced.

"What wouldn't he talk about?"

"I don't know! I asked him but he said later."

"Then why didn't you wait til later?"

" _He_ left first, doc. Not me."

"Why?"

"How should I know?"

"Because I know you. You know why."

To the doctor's surprise Jim didn't respond in another angry outburst. The kid closed his eyes and laid back down on the couch, curling onto his side. "Doesn't matter," James replied quietly.

McCoy softened his tone. "What happened?"

"I screwed up."

Warning bells were starting to go off in his head. "What happened Jimmy?"

Jim shook his head.

"He loves you, you know?"

"Not anymore he won't."

"He can't _not_ love you Jim."

"He will," Jim insisted. "After today."

"What happened?"

"I... went home with someone."

McCoy opened his mouth to say something, couldn't think of anything and closed his mouth. Jim 'went home' with someone? He had sex? As in, he cheated on Spock?

"Yeah, I know," Jim said, startling McCoy out of his thoughts. "Wrong thing to do. It's not as bad as it seems, though."

McCoy stared at Jim in disbelief. "Not that bad? Did you _really_ just say cheating on your partner was 'not that bad'?"

"I didn't."

"You didn't what? Cheat? Well, what the hell would you call sleeping with someone when you're dating someone else?"

"I didn't. I couldn't."

McCoy's mouth dropped open as he struggled to make sense of this.

"I couldn't do it. I've never cheated on anyone I was with before. I just stopped getting into relationships." Jim opened his eyes and looked at McCoy. "But I intended to when I went home with her."

"But you didn't sleep with her?"

"Couldn't. I just kept thinking about Spock and how she was nothing like him. All of a sudden I just couldn't do it." Jim closed his eyes. "Don't hate me Bones. I need..."

"A friend," McCoy asked softly.

Jim nodded. McCoy sighed and moved to sit in the floor next to the couch. He put a hand on Jim's shoulder and ignored the slight flinch. "I don't hate you kid. Do you mind if I tell you what I think?"

Jim was silent and McCoy waited patiently. Finally Jim nodded.

"I think you got scared. I think you care about him and that scares you, Jimmy. You're not used to letting people in. They've hurt you every time before."

"Doesn't matter anymore."

"It'll be okay, kid."

Just then there was a knock at his door. McCoy turned and watched someone try to open the door. When they couldn't open the locked door they knocked again. Spock, McCoy reasoned. He sighed to himself. If he didn't let Spock in he would more than likely break down the door. Keeping a Vulcan away from their mate was a poor idea.

"I have to let him in Jimmy."

Jim nodded and there was another knock on the door. Jim sat up and took a couple of deep breaths. 

"Dr. McCoy," Spock called loudly from outside the apartment. 

"Ready," Jim said.

\---------

If McCoy didn't open the door soon... Finally the doctor opened the door. Spock shoved McCoy out of the way and rushed past him. He stopped three feet away from the couch. Jim turned and smiled at him brightly. The pain he felt from Jim belied the smile.

"We're bonded Jim; or at least I am. I know better," Spock told him.

Jim dropped the smile and looked away. "I have to tell you something."

"I should go first," Spock told him.

"No. I should go first," Jim insisted.

Spock looked to McCoy and McCoy shook his head. Spock frowned trying to understand what that meant.

"I went home with someone."

Spock's thoughts stopped dead. He couldn't seem to process that.

"Tell him the truth Jimmy," McCoy said immediately.

"It was the truth," Jim insisted.

Jim... went home with someone? He was with another person? Spock felt the anger building. 

"You didn't sleep with them," McCoy stated.

Wait, what? Spock's mind halted and tried to reverse directions to follow that statement. Jim _didn't_ have sex with someone else?

"Damn it Bones. Let me tell this."

"Damn it Jim, you don't tell a bonded Vulcan you went home with someone and stop there. He needed to know."

"Stop," Spock yelled.

The room fell silent.

Spock focused on the doctor. "Leave," he growled.

McCoy stared at Spock and crossed his arms. "No. If I leave he'll shoot himself in the foot on purpose."

"I can take care of myself," Jim yelled back at the doctor.

"Stop," Spock yelled again. He tried to calm down as much as he could and turned to Jim. "Please start from the beginning," he said as calmly as he could manage.

"Can you sit down first," Jim asked. "Both of you. I need Bones to stay. Please?"

Spock pressed his lips together. Sitting. He could do that. He really wished the doctor could leave but he didn't want to deny Jim either. Not with the emotions he was feeling off of his mate. Spock nodded went to sit next to Jim. The look Jim gave him made him pause. Slowly he moved to the far end of the couch and sat on the floor instead. McCoy moved and sat in his recliner.

"He was right. I did _not_ sleep with her," Jim said defiantly. 

For a moment the image of the younger James was transposed onto this Jim. _"None of your business."_ Spock again felt the need to protect the younger Jim from whatever had scared him. He had to get better control. Jim hadn't slept with anyone else? 

"I was going to," Jim continued.

"Why," Spock whispered. He didn't trust himself to speak any louder right now.

"Because."

"Jim," Bones interjected. 

Spock held up a hand without looking over at the doctor. "No. Let him tell it. In his own way, in his own time."

"I don't know why."

Spock couldn't speak. Was this his fault? What had he done to push Jim away? 

"Before you ask, no, this wasn't your fault." 

Spock sat stunned. Had Jim picked up his feelings or was it merely a coincidence? If Jim was picking up his feelings...

"I don't know what happened exactly. I woke up feeling good. After I realized how nice it was waking up and feel..." James trailed off. "Safe," he finally finished.

"Safe," Spock repeated.

Jim nodded. "Yeah. After that, I think I freaked out a little." Jim's face turned more serious. "But only a little. It doesn't account for how fast everything escalated. I don't know what happened. One minute I was only slightly freaked out and the next I was... worried? Anxious? Apprehensive? Way more than I should have been."

Spock looked away briefly. It was possible Jim wasn't picking up on his emotions, but it was more than probable that he was. In a sense, this really was his fault for not talking to Jim about it sooner.

"So I panicked, I guess. I didn't feel like alcohol and it was way too early. I was just sitting on this bench when she sat next to me. It just seemed like an easy solution. Distract myself and push you away at the same time. I didn't sleep with her, but I did intend to."

"Jim," Spock began, then hesitated. How to say this? "It was not your fault. It was my fault."

"You can't blame yourself for me acting irresponsible."

"I can. I made a mistake."

"You didn't do anything that would-"

"Jim, wait. Please just let me get this out." Spock watched Jim until Jim nodded at him before he continued. "It's the bond. You picked up my feelings this morning."

Jim looked confused and Spock shook his head.

"Honestly, I never expect the bond to effect you. I meant to talk to you about it more, I just couldn't find the right time."

"What are you talking about?"

"Bear with me. I should start from the beginning." Spock paused trying to find the best way to phrase it. "As I said previously, if the other half of a bonded pair is human, they are not usually affected by the bond. Sometimes, though, they are. I believe the worry and apprehension you felt at breakfast was my fault."

Jim frowned at him. "How?"

Spock related the dream to Jim and McCoy. Though he chose his words carefully he tried not to omit any of the important parts.

"It was dream Spock."

"No. Well, yes, but it was more than that."

"How would you know?"

"I didn't know anything about what the bond should feel like before now. I do know what my dreams feel like. This was not a dream. I believe you were having a nightmare and the emotions of it were transferred through the bond and then created or recreated into imagery by my subconscious mind to allow me to interpret them more adequately."

"So," Jim said slowly. "You're prying into my dreams?"

"No. My mind was interpreting some aspect of your emotions into imagery. This is why I was apprehensive at breakfast. I was worried about telling you any this. I wanted you to eat first. You picked up my apprehension and it added to your own."

"So not only do I have to worry about my own shit, I have to deal with whatever I get from you too? How am I supposed to do that? What the fuck?"

"Jim."

"No! How am I supposed to deal with this? I already had enough without _this_." Jim turned Bones. 

Spock shoved away the irrational anger he felt toward Dr. McCoy for being the one Jim turned to when he needed support. It wasn't the doctor's fault. Spock felt the distress from Jim and an overwhelming urge to help him however he could. He fought with his desire to do anything though. Jim wouldn't accept help from him right now. He had to let Jim get help where ever he would accept it from. It hurt more than Spock thought was possible that Jim hadn't turn to _him_ first. 

"Bones?"

"If any one of us would know how to help with that, it'd be him kid."

"Can we change chairs then?"

\---------

McCoy bit his bottom lip. "Sure kid." McCoy stood and moved over to sit on the couch relinquishing the recliner to Jim. The change in Jim was _almost_ instant. He wasn't fully himself yet but he did look like he was feeling better. Actually, the way he was sitting in the recliner made him look almost exactly like the starship captain he was. _Please let this discussion help._ Jim straightened and looked at him. McCoy met his eyes and watched as Jim's "I can handle anything" personality took forefront.

"Okay. So what do we do now?"

"You would have to ask Spock," McCoy told him. 

James nodded once and turned to Spock. "Okay, so what do we do now?"

"There are exercises that should help."

"And you're just now telling me?"

"I did not think they would be needed. I am sorry."

"Fine. All that matters is we figure out how to fix this.

Spock frowned. "It is not broken. It is just a part of who I am."

"You know what I meant."

"I can try something," Spock said.

McCoy looked over to Spock. "What did you have in mind?"

"There is a way to minimize the effects of the bond if such a thing was ever needed. In theory."

"In theory," James asked skeptically.

"I have been told by my father they actually work. Or did. Before."

"Wait a minute," Bones ordered, sitting forward. "Are you talking about suppressing the effects for an extended period of time?"

"I am."

"I won't allow it."

"It is not your call to make."

"Damn straight it's my call. You forget, I'm the chief medical officer on your ship. If you suppress the effects of this for too long the effects could be detrimental to your health. I can't allow that." 

"I have every belief we will be able to work out something before that happens," Spock snapped at McCoy.

"Suppressing," Jim asked.

"Generally one of the pair would repress the actual bond its self. There is no way to break the bond but I could mitigate it's influence."

"No," McCoy repeated.

"Why," Jim asked.

"Because the bond is a natural thing for Vulcans. Suppressing it would be, let's just say 'unhealthy' in the beginning and it would only get worse. For both parties eventually."

"You forget, Jim is human doctor. The bond is not natural for him."

"And it shouldn't have effected him either but it did. I won't risk it."

"Respectfully doctor, it is my call to make."

"No," Jim said forcefully. "I get a say in this too and I'm not letting you do that."

"I have complete faith I will be able to keep the side-effects from effecting you."

Jim gave Spock an odd look. 

"No. Especially if the chief medical officer is against this. I can't allow it." Jim shook his head. "Spock, you're my first officer. I need you to be able to function at your best. I don't want you to suffer any of the effects either. Do you really think I'm against this because _I_ might get hurt in the process somehow?"

"I don't have any other way to cease the effects quickly."

\---------

"I'm not sacrificing your health because of my mental quirks. I can't do that. Find another way or I'm just going to have to learn how to deal."

No way in hell he would sacrifice Spock's health for his own hang-ups. Spock would have to find another way. _They_ would have to find another way. There was no such thing as a no win situation. First things first. They needed more information. He needed to figure out precisely how this bond worked and what the alternatives were.

"Right. We need information and options. Spock, tell me more about the bond and how it works."

Spock and McCoy shared a look.

"I cannot easily explain it. It would take time."

"Tell me what's important for now." 

"Vulcans only bond once. The most common potential effects include the ability to sense where their mate is or how far they are from you, varying degrees of telepathy and feeling what the other feels both physically and or emotionally. The degrees of which vary bond by bond. It is uncommon for a Vulcan to bond with a non Vulcan but not unheard of. 

It is possible to suppress the bond for an indeterminate amount of time. The effects are not pleasant but they can be concealed, at least temporarily. McCoy is correct in that if it continues too long the effects could pose some physical ailments. Specific ailments generally include but are not limited to: headaches, nausea, shortened temper, muscle aches and other similar issues. Although I do believe I would be able to handle them for however long it would take to find an alternative."

"Just the facts for now Spock."

"You should be aware that a mated couple does not handle separation for extended periods of time particularly well."

"Exactly how long is extended?"

"The amount of time is different from couple to couple. Generally these effects can be hidden from others and the person can function normally for a while. After about two or three weeks someone bonded will begin to exhibit outward symptoms. Depression, restlessness, shortness of temper and other similar symptoms. If separated for too long physical ailments could appear. Most are comparable to illnesses that threaten the immune system."

"And if separated longer?" 

Spock hesitated. "Potentially someone bonded could theoretically die if they are separated for long enough. However the validity of this is still in debate."

"If we assume that's true, how long would that take?"

"I am unsure. As the bond is different for each couple it is hard to be exacting about possible effects."

"Guess Spock."

"I think we should deal in facts Jim."

"Answer me Spock."

"Potentially between three to five years, but anyone bonded would be mentally unstable long before then."

"How long before that happens?"

"Best guess? Between twelve to eighteen months."

James let out a low whistle. Twelve to eighteen months? 

"So what options do we have?"

Bones finally spoke up. "I have an idea. I think you two should spend time working on this. Sit down and spend time sending emotions through. See what they feel like when they come from the other one so you can recognize when they're not yours. When you can recognize emotions from each other you can work on dealing with them without having to suppress the bond."

"Send emotions through on purpose," James asked. 

"I think it would help to separate out what's yours and what isn't. Then you would know if you're feeding off of the other's emotions."

James turned to Spock. "Could it work?"

\---------

"Possibly. Jim, we are taught about the bond when we reach a certain age. There is no way to know what specific reaction a person will have before hand. Also, Vulcans bonding with other races happens so rarely that there is limited information about it. I cannot say with precision that anything will or will not work."

"It's a start," Jim said. "I say we try it and see what happens."

Spock glanced at the doctor. Theoretically his idea could be helpful for Jim. However sending specific emotions or feelings was something also commonly done durring a more 'private' moment as well. He couldn't help the slight blush, hopefully no one noticed. He cleared his throat and tried to ignore that fact for the moment.

"Your suggestion has merit doctor."

\---------

James had a sudden wave of a feeling he couldn't quite pin down. Not quite nervousness. Discomfort? Since he wasn't feeling any of that moments before he figured it must be coming from Spock. He frowned trying to place the emotion. "Spock, what are you feeling right now?"

Spock glanced to Bones.

"You don't want to answer with him here," James guessed.

"I would rather not say in front of the doctor, no."

James nodded. "Bones, do you mind if-"

"I'm going out for a bit. I'll be back in a few hours."

James smiled as he watched Bones leave. 

"You care for him," Spock noted.

"It's different with him Spock. It's not like how feel about you." James frowned. "You know that right?"

Spock smiled. "I know."

"What was it you were feeling?"

"What is it you felt from me?"

"I'm not sure. Discomfort?"

"Close actually. Dr. McCoy's suggestion could possibly help."

"And that made you uncomfortable?"

"It is remarkably close to something else. Sometimes a mated couple will share their feelings like that while they are, ahem, intimate."

James could feel himself starting to blush at the thought. He ignored it and continued. "Yes, well, I can understand not wanting to share that with Bones. Is that the only time you purposely share feelings?"

"I would assume that depends on the couple."

"Understood. Should we try it?"

"Sharing emotions? I believe it has the potential to be helpful. If you would like to I have no objections."

*-*-*-*-*-*

McCoy woke up and realized instantly two things were wrong. One, he was _not_ in his own bed. Two, someone he didn't immediately remember was in the bed with him. He turned his head and squinted against the darkness. The woman next to him looked vaguely familiar. Slowly parts of last night started to return. He hadn't intended to drink that much last night. He intended to stay fairly sober in case either Spock or Jim contacted him and needed something. After about an hour he realized there was very little he could do for Jim that Spock couldn't. Finally he allowed himself loosen up and drink a little more than he probably should have. He looked back at the woman next to him. Okay, definitely more than he should have. He had to get home.

\---------

McCoy opened the door to his apartment and found Spock and Jim asleep. Spock was half laying, half sitting with his back against the arm rest and his head propped against the back of the couch. Jim was mostly curled up on top of him, a blanket was haphazardly draped over them. One of Spock's arms lie possessively across Jim. McCoy smiled and made his way to the kitchen. He placed the box of doughnuts he bought on the counter and headed for the bedroom.

"Doctor?"

He turned and met Spock's eyes. "Go back to sleep," he whispered.

Spock nodded and settled back against the couch.


	3. Chapter 3

James lay there with his eyes closed trying to figure out why he was so warm. There was a heavy but not unpleasant weight across his chest. James opened his eyes and saw the arm. Spock. James smiled and closed his eyes again.

"You are awake," Spock noted.

"I'm pretending not to be," James told him.

There was a push of an emotion that James recognized as being from Spock. He concentrated on it. "Amusement," he guessed.

"Indeed, very much so. You are learning quickly."

"Mmm."

"Breakfast?"

"Starving."

"I figured as much. You will have to get up for us to get breakfast."

"Do I have to?"

"Do you want food?"

James thought about it. Breakfast sounded amazing, but so did staying right where he was. What did he want more? "Maybe we could let Bones get breakfast today?" Bones. James frowned and sat up. "I wonder if he made it home."

"He did and move."

"Move?"

"Yes. I have to go to the bathroom and you are making it worse."

James smiled and hopped off. "You saw him come in?"

Spock stood up. "Yes, now if you'll excuse me."

James waved him off and thought about what to eat for breakfast. Cereal was getting old, maybe bagels today. Bagels and what, he thought. James went to check the kitchen and spotted a box of doughnuts. Yes, perfect. Bagels and doughnuts. He smiled at the fact that Bones realized he would want something different for breakfast today. He had almost everything laid out by the time Spock returned.

"Bagels, toast and doughnuts?"

"Cereal was getting old."

Spock nodded and sat down. "I have a few things to take care of today."

"Yeah, me too."

"Jim, we will have to report this to Starfleet Command."

"Report what," Jim asked as he took a bite of his bagel.

"Us. Being bonded, I mean."

Jim finished chewing and set the rest of the bagel down. "Why? Not that I'm hiding this. It's just, why go out of our way to tell people?"

"So we do not have to worry about ever being assigned to different places. It would be difficult to explain after such an order was given."

"Oh. Yeah, I forgot about that."

Spock arched an eyebrow questioningly.

"I have to go there later. I can do it if you want."

"I have to be there later as well. It might be easier for me to report this. On Vulcan both of us would report it, but I have observed that most humans cannot sense the bond."

"Other Vulcans can," James asked curious.

"Yes. It helps to avoid 'difficulties'. Most Vulcans tend to be protective of their mates. They do not react well when another makes romantic suggestions to their mate. On Vulcan it is... was, a very serious accusation."

James watched Spock's face as he talked about the recently destroyed planet. He opened himself up to the emotions he felt swirling within Spock. Pain of Spock losing his planet, his people and his mother converged. For the first time James realized the effort required for Vulcans to suppress their emotions so completely. Nothing he could say would ease any of the pain so he didn't even attempt to say anything.

Opening himself to the bond James allowed Spock's feelings to flow into him without resistance. Standing he walked around the table to stand behind Spock. He wrapped his arms around Spock wanting to show Spock he wasn't as alone as he felt. James understood pain. _This_ was something he could help Spock with. James felt Spock pull away emotionally. The flow of emotions through the bond became increasingly difficult to hold onto.

"No," James whispered. "Don't shut me out. I'm here. I won't leave you." He tightened his arms around Spock and laid his head on Spock's shoulder. "Please don't shut me out," he whispered again.

\--------

He started to restrict the bond. He couldn't let his own emotions hurt Jim.

"Please don't shut me out."

He couldn't refuse those quiet words; not from his mate. Against his own desires he left himself fully open and allowed Jim access to everything he was feeling. As much as he didn't want to share this pain with anyone he was too exhausted from dealing with everything on his own. He needed someone to lean on and his mate was there, holding him, comforting him. In this moment he didn't have the strength to deny Jim anything.

"I don't want to hurt you," he whispered.

"You won't," Jim told him.

Spock finally gave in and let go of almost everything he had been trying so hard to suppress. All of the pain he had been trying to deny flooded through him. He heard a soft gasp from Jim and immediately tried to close off the bond.

"No," Jim said quietly. "I've got you, please don't close me out."

The last of his resistance crumbled. Spock felt every emotion he had been trying desperately hard to block rush throughout him. It was too much, he couldn't do this, didn't want to feel this. The pain threatened to consume everything.

\--------

"Shh, I've got you."

James tightened his grip around Spock as Spock's feelings coursed through them both. The loneliness, the emptiness, the pain of losing both home and mother. James leaned his forehead against Spock's cheek.

"I'm here. You aren't alone anymore, I'm here."

\--------

God he had one hell of a headache. _How much did I drink last night?_ A soft beeping noise made McCoy's head pulse with every beep. When he found the source he was definitely going to kill it. McCoy glanced around the room trying to locate the object of his ire. The beep sounded again and the doctor turned to his computer with a frown. Throwing the blanket back McCoy sat up and stared at the computer. It gave another soft beep. Finally McCoy stood and walked over to the computer. He brought up the one program he always kept running in the background.

 _"Positive identification, confirmed."_ the computer relayed.

He blinked at the screen as he processed what this meant. After all his searching he finally found them. He ran through every revenge fantasy he had ever had since finding out what they'd done. Every violent thought he'd ever had about what he would do to them if he ever found them. Anger coursed through him. McCoy took a deep breath. He had to calm down. He couldn't let Jim see him like this. If he didn't get a grip on his anger the kid might think it was his fault somehow.

Opening the door McCoy cocked an eyebrow. Spock was in the kitchen rinsing dishes and Jim was nowhere to be seen. Strange. McCoy walked over and leaned against the bar separating the kitchen from the living room. As he watched Spock he realized something was different. Spock looked more relaxed than Bones remembered seeing him since... Well, since Vulcan had been destroyed.

"Where's Jim," McCoy asked.

"He had things to do today."

"So he left you with the dishes?"

"He set the breakfast out. It was only logical that I clean up afterwards."

McCoy smiled. "Cereal?"

"Bagels and doughnuts."

"Ah."

"Dr. McCoy?"

"Yeah?"

"I would like to suggest that you allow Jim to cook breakfast one morning."

"Excuse me?"

"He claims you do not wish for him to cook in your apartment."

"Well yeah. I kinda like my apartment. I don't really want it to burn down."

"He is actually quite a good cook. He might surprise you doctor."

McCoy blinked at that statement. Jim cooked?

\--------

Spock smiled at the surprise in the doctor's face. For the first time in what felt like forever Spock felt less burdened. Maybe today would be a decent day after all. He checked the clock on the living room wall, almost time to leave.

"I must be going doctor."

McCoy gave a nod. As Spock made his way past the doctor his arm accidentally brushed McCoy's arm. A picture of two people standing in front of a house flashed into Spock's mind. There was something familiar about this image. Spock frowned and tried to figure out why it seemed so familiar. He focused on the people in front of the house. They were not familiar to him but he still felt as though he should know them.

"Spock?"

He turned to McCoy who was watching him carefully. "It's nothing, I was just distracted. I really must be going now. Take care doctor."

\--------

McCoy watched Spock leave. He shook his head. Whatever it was, Spock could deal with it. He had other things to worry about right now. His mind drifted back to the computer search. _"Positive identification, confirmed."_ The anger returned in full force.

\--------

Door desk bed, door desk bed, door desk bed. James continued spinning slowly in the chair in his quarters at Starfleet. He rarely used them. Previously he had spent most of his nights with the various women he used to distract himself. Lately he had been spending most of his time with Bones or Spock. Door desk bed. He had started off counting each rotation. Somewhere in the two hundreds he'd gotten bored and stopped. Patience was definitely not one of his biggest virtues. He spun in his desk chair as he waited for a response on his communicator. It felt like he had been waiting forever. Door desk bed.

\--------

Finally! He snatched up the communicator. "I'm here."

_"It is good to hear from you."_

"Yeah, it's nice talking to you again too. Hey, I have some questions."

_"I presume you have questions about bonding with Spock."_

"How did you know?"

_"When Spock figured out he was bonded with you he had questions of his own."_

"What kind of questions?"

_"Do you wish me to speak to him about this conversation?"_

"What does that have to do with anything?"

_"It means, Jim, that sometimes it is better to discuss things with an unbiased observer and know that your thoughts or fears will be safe."_

"You won't tell him what I say anymore than you'll tell me what he said?"

_"Affirmative."_

James nodded thoughtfully. It would actually be kind of nice to be able to ask questions and not worry about people censoring their answers because they were too worried about his emotions.

"Understood."

\--------

Spock rubbed his temples. Unsurprisingly there were no official Starfleet regulations concerning bonded couples. There were very few Vulcans who chose to join Starfleet. Of those that had joined none were bonded. Generally the bond was a private matter and not discussed outside of the bonded couple, let alone with non-Vulcans. He would just have to resort to official Vulcan regulations concerning bonded couples and hope that was good enough.

.

Spock stood straight and unmoving as Pike read through the paper.

"Bonded," Pike said flatly.

"Yes sir."

"With Kirk."

"Yes sir."

Finally Pike looked up. "Which means what exactly?"

"We are mated. It would not be a good idea if we were to be separated. As per Vulcan regulations I am reporting to the superior officer in my direct chain of command that I have bonded with Jim as no such Starfleet regulation currently exists. In light of the absence of said regulation I have decided it best to report this to you to ensure that it may be added to our files and minimize the risk of being ordered to separate posts at a future date."

"I'm human Spock. Explain this bonding to me like you're talking to a human."

"The simplest way to put it would be that we are a part of each other. Separating us for an extended amount of time would be mentally, emotionally and physically detrimental to the health of both of us."

"That's the simplest answer?"

"Yes."

"I need something others, myself included, will be able to understand, Spock."

"Think of it as being mentally connected deeply. Being separated for too long would be like trying to separate an individual from half of their normal brain processes. Eventually that person's body would revolt. It is much the same with us."

"Uh huh. Well that makes as much sense as anything else that pertains to Vulcans I suppose."

Spock arched an eyebrow. "Sir?"

"How long does something like this last? What happens if you meet someone you want to be with more?"

"There is no way to break the bond. Parts of it last even if one of us dies. I will never meet anyone I wish to be with more," Spock stated stiffly.

Pike sat staring at him for a moment before responding. "I'll take care of it."

"Thank you sir."

\--------

James sat at the table waiting for Spock to show up. Due to conflicting duty requirements they weren't going to see much of each other until this evening. With everything that happened this morning James didn't want to wait that long to see Spock again. He had to know that Spock was still doing okay. James suggested they have lunch when their schedules permitted it. James glanced back to the entrance. Where was Spock? Calm down, he told himself, he'll be here. Still he couldn't help the anxiety he felt.

I should have gone with him, James thought. I shouldn't have made him report this on his own. The town he had grown up in was not particularly tolerant of same gender couples. Growing up he had learned to keep his preferences to himself. While he no longer cared who knew he liked men as well, old habits died hard. The café was fairly crowded and that only added to his anxiety. He glance up again and finally saw Spock walking toward the table. James breathed a sigh of relief. He managed to wait until Spock sat down before he spoke.

"How did it go? What happened?"

"I believe it went well."

"What does that mean?"

"There was no Starfleet regulation for this. I had to explain a little about the bond to help him understand."

"And?"

"And I believe it went well. Jim, you are worrying about problems that have not yet happened. I have every reason to believe this will not have any negative or adverse effects for either of us. If they do occur we will deal with them then."

James gave a small smile. "You're right, I just can't help it sometimes."

Spock smiled. "I know. Have you ordered?"

"No, I was waiting for you."

Spock nodded and inspected the menu.

"I was thinking I could cook tonight."

Spock glance up at him.

"I mean, if you don't mind."

"Actually, I think that is an excellent idea. If you don't mind I think we should invite Dr. McCoy as well."

James frowned. He wasn't against inviting Bones but the request confused him a little. To his knowledge Spock and Bones weren't the best of friends. Spock wanting to invite Bones to dinner might be Spock's way of trying to build a friendship with the doctor.

"You are confused?"

"You could say that. Spock, why do you want to invite Bones for dinner?"

Spock shrugged. "As you have told me he will not let you cook in his apartment I assumed he has not eaten your cooking before. I thought it might be a nice change for him to eat a home cooked meal instead of take out."

James thought about this. It felt true enough but it seemed like there was something more to it. "There's something else you're not telling me."

"Indeed. When we had our 'first date' you stated that you missed making breakfast most. It is my desire to show Dr. McCoy that his apartment would be safe should he decide to recant on his 'no cooking' policy."

For a moment James could only stare. Spock was trying to get Bones to let him cook breakfast? First of all, the chances of that happening were slim to none. Second of all, that Spock would remember he liked cooking breakfast and try to arrange it so that McCoy would allow it was one of the nicest things anyone had done for him in a long time. A very long time. Stop, he ordered himself. Do not go there.

"You are upset?"

James frowned. "What?"

"You are upset. We do not have to invite the doctor."

James shook his head. "It's not that, and I think that would be a good idea."

"Then would you tell me what upset you?"

\--------

Jim ran a hand through his hair. The action made his hair stick up in random spikes. Spock refrained from mentioning he liked this look better than when it was brushed down and styled perfectly.

"I was just thinking about some stuff better left in the past."

"You do not talk about your past."

"No."

"Understood," Spock told him and dropped the subject for now. "Are we inviting Dr. McCoy for dinner?"

Jim smiled. "I think I would like that if you don't mind."

"I do not. I will inform Dr. McCoy his presence is requested for dinner."

"Thanks."

\--------

McCoy sat at his desk in the medical bay on the _Enterprise_. Repairs were coming along fairly well. Soon the _Enterprise_ would be ready for space. He was using this time to familiarize himself with some of the medical records of the crew. Better to know things before hand than to lose time in the event of an actual medical emergency. While he was trying to concentrate his mind kept drifting.

There was no way in hell he could let those people have another child. They had applied for and been granted one not long after Jim had left but then they had fallen off the grid. How did Social Services allow things like that to happen? Wasn't it their job to watch out for these kids? A couple applies for a child, disappears and Social Services doesn't even care when the kid doesn't show for routine adjustment meetings?

\--------

Spock entered medical. It was surprisingly quiet given all the construction underway elsewhere. Not seeing McCoy anywhere Spock headed for the doctor's office. He walked into the office and spotted McCoy staring at his computer. The doctor apparently hadn't heard him enter. Odd, he thought. Since the computer was on the opposite wall from the door Spock had a good view of its screen. The image on the screen was of a man and a woman.

There was no house behind them this time but Spock recognized the people on the screen. They were the same people in the flash of the image from this morning. So the image had come from Dr. McCoy. Who were these people and how had he gotten an image from the doctor just by accidentally touching him earlier? Spock decided to test a theory. He put one hand on the doctor's shoulder and greeted him.

"Dr. McCoy."

\--------

McCoy jumped at the sound of another person's voice. Quickly he banished the image of Jim's foster parents from the screen and turned around. Spock. Why hadn't he heard the Vulcan enter? Damn it!

"Yeah," McCoy answered gruffly.

"Jim?"

"What about him?"

"Doctor, how are these people connected to Jim?"

"I didn't say they were, did I," McCoy snapped.

"You thought it."

"You're a mind reader now?"

"Apparently my talents have broadened, however the term most used on Vulcan would be 'touch telepath'."

"So let me get this straight, you touch someone and know what they're thinking?"

"You did not answer the question doctor."

"You didn't answer mine," McCoy countered.

"I answered your first one, now answer mine. How are these people connected to Jim?"

He wasn't sure if he wanted to tell Spock but he also wasn't sure he wanted to keep all of this to himself either. Spock might actually be able to get through to Jim and help him deal with his past. On the other hand Spock might just track these two down and kill them. _Would that really be so bad?_ Stop it, McCoy ordered himself.

"You already know I can't answer questions like that Spock. Jim has to tell you about his past."

"So they are from his past. Previous guardians?"

McCoy could have kicked himself. Oh well, no taking it back now. "Yes," he admitted. "Spock, let this go."

"I cannot."

"Why?"

"Because of the intense anger you felt concerning them. I know how you feel about Jim. If these people are connected to him and you are that angry looking at their image I have to know why. What did they do to him doctor?"

"I never said they did anything to Jim." McCoy desperately sought for a way to keep this conversation from happening. "Drop this. Please."

"I cannot. Doctor, you _will_ tell me what they have done."

McCoy bit his bottom lip. There were a lot of reasons not to tell Spock. Spock would be pissed if he found out what these people had done and there would be no telling what Spock would do. Spock might try to discuss it with Jim who _despised_ talking about his past. All of this was Jim's past and therefore Jim's story to tell Spock. There was no telling what Spock might do as a bonded Vulcan to _him_ just for being the messenger. At the end of everything, the _one_ thing that decided him was that Spock was also the one person to truly care for Jim in almost Jim's entire life.

"You're going to want to sit down."

Spock arched an eyebrow and sat down. His eyes never left McCoy's eyes.

"I want you to first acknowledge that I can't tell you everything. There are things I promised Jim I wouldn't tell anyone, there are things covered by doctor / patient privilege, and then there's things I just don't know. If I say I can't discuss something or answer a question you're going to need to accept it. Understood?"

"Understood."

This is probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done, McCoy thought.

"Now remember, some of this is my own diagnosis from personal medical records and some is guess work. Jim doesn't talk about this. Don't bring any of this up unless for some strange, and as of yet unforeseen, reason he _actually_ decides to talk about this. As far as I can understand those were the people that raised Jim from when he was eleven until he was one month short of seventeen.

His first foster family was also not stunning examples of what good parents should be. He stayed with them for three years. The best thing that happened with Jimmy staying there was they took him to the hospital so many times the system actually caught on and they were arrested. As far as I know or care they're still rotting in some hell hole. After that he spent four years bouncing back and forth between places before they finally placed him with those people.

They were better at hiding things. They almost never took him to the hospital. Which means any broken bone he ever had, never got set. Any cut he got that should have had stitches, never got them. Any concussion he suffered could have killed him, and there had to have been many. On the rare occasions he was taken to the hospital it was life or death situations. Jim was treated by those inept, incompetent, so called 'doctors' and sent back with the same people that were abusing him.

Broken bones, too many to count. Serious cuts, lacerations or burns? Same. Probable concussions? Take a guess. And not one person in the hospitals they actually took him to ever did anything. Yeah, they treated the current injuries and then what did they do? They sent him back to that house with those abusers. When I got Jimmy's medical records I questioned it. _Yes_ , he lied about things. _Yes_ , I bought it.

For a while."

Suddenly he couldn't sit anymore. McCoy stood and paced.

"But _some part_ of me always questioned it. _Some part_ of me always knew better. _I_ questioned it after a routine glance at his file and _they_ couldn't be bothered when he was their _patient_? What the _hell_ was wrong with _them_!?"

"Be calm doctor," Spock stated quietly.

McCoy wheeled around to face him. "Be calm? That's all you have to say? After everything I said so far? After everything _your mate_ had to have gone through the best you have is _be calm_!?"

"Yes, doctor. Be calm. I am doing everything within my power to keep my emotions from being felt through the bond," Spock replied quietly. "It is difficult and I am already unsure as to how successful I am. I would greatly appreciate any amount of help I could get to _not_ make this any more difficult than it already is... Please."

McCoy finally really looked at Spock. At first he didn't see the signs but after a second or two they became clear. The closed eyes, the twitch of the left eyebrow, the clenched fists, the jaw clamped shut. He had forgotten about the bond. Damn it, what if Jim felt whatever Spock was feeling and asked about it?

"Continue doctor," Spock gritted out without opening his eyes.

"Are you sure that's wise Spock," McCoy asked softly.

"Continue. Doctor."

He had been so focused on finally being able to tell someone else about this that he had forgotten the person he was telling was Jim's mate. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Doctor, you _will_ continue. You _will_ tell me what you can of what was done to _my mate_ or we _will not_ leave here."

McCoy resigned himself to his fate. Spock was dead serious. If he didn't continue neither of them would be leaving here anytime soon. He took a deep breath and held it before finally let it out. For better or worse he had to continue.

"After I realized what he must have gone through as a child I confronted him. It took hell and high water to get him to finally admit to anything. He did confirm some of the minor abuse. It's been like pulling teeth to get him to realize none of it was his fault."

"Pulling teeth," Spock asked quietly.

"It's an old Earth expression. It means extremely difficult."

"I see."

McCoy frowned, Spock still hadn't opened his eyes.

"Spock, this is really Jim's story. I'm not sure-"

"Doctor. If you do not proceed on your own, I will take steps to ensure your cooperation."

McCoy sighed. "I couldn't stop thinking that these people were still out there. Still fostering children. I couldn't take the thought that they might have another foster child who was suffering the same way and I wasn't doing anything about it. Ever since I learned the truth I've been running a continuous search for them."

Spock gave a small nod but no other response.

"This morning, when I woke up, my search had finally found them. They've applied for another foster child."

There was a moment of silence. Spock raised his head and finally opened his eyes. McCoy was certain he would have bolted through the door if Spock hadn't been between him and it. The look in Spock's eyes sent chills down his spine. Spock closed his eyes again and finally reopened them. The utter fury that had been in them previously was not completely gone but it was better hidden.

"Have you informed Jim," Spock asked.

"Informed Jim?"

"Yes."

"Why the hell would I do that?"

"Because the ability to confront them might bring him closure."

"Confront them? Are you out of your damned mind? You think I want them anywhere near him after what they've done?

"It is not your call to make."

"The hell it's not. I'm not letting them anywhere near him ever again."

"It is not your call to make, it is Jim's. Confronting the people that hurt him in the past could help him get closure. It might bring him one step closer to acknowledging none of it was his fault. He deserves the opportunity."

"You're serious?"

"I am."

"Have you even heard one word I've said?"

"I assure you I have heard every word you have said, doctor."

"And you still think it would be a good idea for Jim to drop in for a friendly chat with those people?

"No. I believe it would be a good idea for Jim to confront them if he is able. I did not say I believe we should force him to confront them. I just believe that if he can confront them now it might help grant him some degree of closure."

"I'm not sure I agree."

"It is still Jim's decision."

McCoy bit his bottom lip again.

"Doctor, there is one other thing."

"Yeah?"

"I was actually sent to invite you to dinner."

"Dinner?"

"Yes. You are hereby invited to dinner at my apartment. We are already late."

"Late? You just invited me."

"If you do not choose to appear I am sure Jim would feel slightly hurt at the least. It is the first time he was expecting you to eat something he has cooked."

"You keep saying he cooks. I still can't believe it."

"Then we really should go. You need to believe that he can cook and after this conversation I need to see my mate. Now."

"Then you're right, we should get going."

\--------

He checked the clock again, almost forty minutes late. Where were they? Maybe something happened to them? Maybe there was a medical emergency that Bones had to take care of. Maybe that emergency was Spock. James reached through the bond desperate to make sure Spock wasn't injured and felt... nothing? No, that wasn't right. There was something, he just couldn't quite feel it. He strained trying to feel whatever it was but couldn't seem to quite reach it. Just then the door opened.

Bones entered first followed by Spock. As soon as Spock entered he crossed directly over to Jim and wrapped his arms around him. Jim would have hugged him back but his arms were pinned. Suddenly he was hit with strong feelings of relief and love through the bond between him and Spock. What was going on?

"I missed you," Spock whispered into his neck.

"Um, I was here?"

"I know. I still missed you."

"If you missed me that much you could have shown up on time. Everything's bound to be cold now."

Spock finally lifted his head out of Jim's neck and looked into his eyes still not releasing him. "I came as soon as I could, I assure you."

"I suppose we should eat now."

"Whatever you want."

Jim blinked in confusion at the odd tone in Spock's voice.

"It's my fault we were late, Jimmy," Bones said.

"It's fine. I actually kept everything on low so it would stay warm." Jim waited but Spock still didn't release him. "Um, you kind of have to let go of me."

"I know. Just give me a minute. Please?"

\--------

McCoy stared at the plate skeptically. It looked edible. He looked up at the other two people seated at the table. Jim was watching him patiently, waiting for him to take a bite. Spock was facing him but his eyes were watching Jim. Figures. I should have known better than to tell Spock any of that. He glanced down at the food again. Have to try it some time I suppose. Picking up his fork he took his first bite of the meal. It wasn't that he expected it to be _bad_ exactly, he just hadn't expected it to be this _good_.

"This is actually really good."

Jim smiled and dropped his eyes to his own plate as he began eating. The way the kid's eyes lit up you would have thought McCoy had complemented him on something more important than food. McCoy shook his head and continued eating.

"Where'd you learn to cook?"

"Living on my own. Just learned how to make some decent dishes a few bad ones and a couple of really bad ones." Jim shrugged, still not looking up from his food.

\--------

Spock couldn't help himself. After everything McCoy had said the only thing that allowed to Spock to physically let go of Jim had been keeping a firm grip on Jim through the bond. By now Jim had to realize something was going on and Spock could feel the suspicion through the bond. Luckily Jim had refrained from questioning anything so far. Spock was grateful for at least that much. He managed to wait until just after desert. He wanted to wait longer but he just couldn't. He stood in the doorway from the kitchen watching Jim and McCoy talking.

"Jim," Spock said quietly.

Jim and McCoy both turned to look.

"There's something we need to tell you."

"No," McCoy stated. "Not just no but hell no. Don't do this Spock."

"He needs to know doctor."

"Like hell he needs to know. Don't do this."

"Can someone just tell me what's going on," Jim asked.

McCoy glared at Spock but Spock ignored it.

"Doctor, I would rather if you told him your part in this."

"I bet you would," McCoy grumbled.

"If you do not, I will."

McCoy glared for a moment longer then sighed heavily.

"I couldn't help it," he said finally as he turned to face Jim. "After our talk that day in my office I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't bear the thought of those people getting their hands on another child."

"What people," Jim asked cautiously.

Distrust, suspicion, apprehension and cautiousness flared through the bond.

"Your foster parents," McCoy answered quietly.

"I see," Jim answered slowly.

"I ran a search to find them but all I found at first was outdated information. They had applied for and received another child just after you left. After that they fell of the grid and I couldn't find anything on them."

Icy rage instantly replaced everything previously flowing through the bond and Spock struggled not react to the feelings. It was like being immersed in a frozen ocean and he was almost unable to breathe.

"And then," James asked calmly.

"This morning my search turned up another request for a foster child. The system granted it."

For a while nothing change. Just as the oppressive silence became almost unbearable Jim finally reacted. Standing Jim grabbed the chair he had been sitting in and threw it across the room. The chair struck the wall and splintered. Jim stood glowering at the chair's remains. McCoy stared opened-mouthed at Jim. Spock grabbed the wall to keep from buckling under the rage he felt through the bond. The intensity of it blinded him to anything else. Then, without warning, it dissipated and there was absolutely nothing.

"Jim," McCoy asked cautiously.

Spock felt as unsteady as the doctor's words sounded. He had to work to reconcile himself to the rapid changes in emotion. What worried him the most now was the complete lack of anything through the bond. Had Jim figured out how to block the bond? If he had, what if Jim never let him back in?

"Jim," McCoy asked again.

Jim slowly turned and faced the doctor.

"Yes?"

The tone in Jim's voice made Spock shiver.

"Uh. Are you..."

"I am fine doctor," Jim replied evenly. "What did Social Services say when you informed them of your findings?"

"Uh, I haven't actually contacted them yet."

McCoy glanced to Spock. Spock couldn't respond.

"I see."

"Jim, I think-"

" _I think_ you should have already informed them. You of all people are in the position to know precisely why they should not be granted another child." Jim turned to Spock. "How much do you know and for how long?"

Spock struggled to answer, still reeling from the rapid emotional changes and now the emotional void he felt through the bond. "Not much," he said unsteadily. "I just found out when I went to retrieve Dr. McCoy."

"I see. Please sit down."

Spock complied before he had time to think about it. His own fears raced through him. Please, don't let him have blocked me out, please. It would only hurt him in the end and I can't take being alone again.

Jim walked around the table and sat in the only other chair left.

"Here is what is going to happen. We are going to sit here. I am going to talk and you two are going to listen. Nothing more. No questions, no comments until I am completely done. Am I in any way unclear?"

Spock shook his head.

"Jim," McCoy began.

"Was I in anyway unclear doctor? No discussion. Not until I am completely done."

"We're clear," McCoy whispered.

"Good. Let us begin."

.

The lack of emotions through the bond combined with the information Jim revealed made him feel sick. Spock struggled to keep from rushing to the bathroom. Jim had mostly avoided anything detailed and discussed everything in the most vague, generalized terms. It hadn't helped. Spock still felt sick after everything he learned; everything his mate had endured as a child. McCoy, for his part, hadn't uttered a single word and was now staring intently at the table.

\--------

I'll kill them, McCoy thought. _Both_ of them. Intellectually he already knew what must have happened in that house. Hearing Jimmy actually talk about it, _especially_ in that dead and unemotional voice, was something all together different.

"Now, what we are going to do," Jim continued in the same overly precise tone. "Is discuss the options. I want to know every option available no matter how small. Doctor, I also want you to find the child they were granted just after I left. I need to know what happened to him."

McCoy nodded.

"Alright, who wants to go first," Jim asked, looking at them expectantly.

\--------A few days later--------

_"Please hold."_

"No!" Too late. God damn it! McCoy rubbed his forehead trying to soothe the headache building there. He was getting really tired of being transferred.

_"Hello, this is-"_

"Don't you dare put me on hold or transfer me. Listen to me very carefully. I don't care what your name is. I don't care if you you're a supervisor or a peon. I don't care if you think I'm rude. I just don't care anymore. You got that? You will sit there, you will shut up and you will listen to me. Do you understand me?"

_"Sir, if you-"_

"I said shut it. You're agency has placed God knows how many children with abusive foster parents and hasn't done a damned thing about it. On behalf of those children who haven't been able to speak for themselves, you're damned sure going to listen to me. You got that?"

_"I'm not at liberty-"_

"What part of 'I don't care' aren't you understanding? No, you know what? Don't answer that." What the hell was wrong with these people?

\--------

"Jim."

Jim looked up from the papers in front of him and raised an eyebrow.

"Can we talk?"

"I'm busy right now. Can it wait?"

"Yeah."

He watched Jim return to study the paperwork in front of him. Spock glanced back to the legal documents he had been studying but couldn't concentrate. It had been several days and he had yet to feel one emotion through the bond. There were times he thought he almost felt something but he wasn't sure. He couldn't tell if it was real or only wishful thinking. He didn't know how long he could keep going on like this. He was about to try to talk to Jim about it again when McCoy rushed into the apartment.

"Found him."

"About time."

Spock winced at Jim's tone. It wasn't like they hadn't been trying. Between duties, meetings and research none of them had gotten much sleep in the last two days. It's more personal for him, Spock tried to soothe himself. _It's personal for me too, he's_ my _mate_ his brain reminded him.

"Patterson. Kyle, T. Currently under arrest for assault and battery. Technically I'm allowed to go through those records with probable cause but I'm also supposed to wait for a judge's order. Waiting on a court order could have taken God knows how long. Technically speaking, this could come back and bite us on the ass if we aren't careful."

McCoy handed Jim a folder and Jim skimmed through it. Spock glanced to McCoy. The doctor was watching Jim and didn't even glance back at Spock. He started to ask McCoy a question when he thought he felt something. Instantly Spock turned back to Jim and tried to latch on to the feeling.

"Road trip," Jim announced as he stood. "Get packed."

And that was all. Just like that the feeling was gone. Spock slumped down in the chair and closed his eyes. He was almost tempted to push something through the bond himself. Something to reassure Jim or let him know he wasn't alone. He just couldn't stand the empty feeling that came with not getting a response again. Not knowing if Jim even felt it. When a hand touched his shoulder Spock jumped.

"It'll be okay," McCoy told him softly. "He's just worried right now."

Spock glanced away and ignored the doctor.

McCoy sat down in the chair Jim recently vacated. "He's not trying to push you away."

Spock refused to respond.

"It doesn't help does it? Knowing he's not doing it on purpose?"

"Hey," Jim called from Spock's bedroom. "I said get packed."

Spock shook his head slowly. No, knowing definitely did not help. "If you'll excuse me doctor." Spock stood and turned to 'get packed'. McCoy caught his arm and Spock looked back at the doctor.

"Remember this Spock, he's doing the best he can."

Spock nodded numbly.

\--------Iowa--------

After one thousand eight hundred forty-two point seven miles they finally arrived. Thankfully McCoy had the presence of mind to suggest they call people and cancel any scheduled appointments. All in all they made good time. First stop, the city jail. Jim wanted to split up and leave McCoy at Social Services while he and Spock went to the jail to talk to Kyle. The doctor adamantly refused this idea much to Spock's relief. He felt completely unable to do anything to help Jim. McCoy tagging along with them made Spock feel better. Like someone else could be there if Jim needed something. Sadly that thought made Spock feel worse. The three of them made their way into the jail.

"We're here to visit Kyle Patterson." Jim announced.

"We can't let multiple people visit at once," the officer told them.

"I'll go first," Jim told the officer.

"One moment."

The officer left to confer with other officers. A few of them turned and glanced at the group of visitors. There was some more discussion before the officer finally returned.

"Sorry, he can't have visitors today."

"Excuse me?"

"Jim," Spock started.

"You will let me visit him."

"We can't be responsible for what might happen."

"Nothing is going to happen to me."

"We can't guarantee that," the officer informed them.

"I can," Jim told the officer adamantly.

"Jim, maybe we should come back later," Spock insisted.

"I can guarantee you he won't hurt me," Jim repeated.

The officer looked skeptical.

"I'm sorry, the only people allowed to visit are family and he is adamant his family _not_ be allowed to visit."

Jim gave a sad smile. "He'll see me. I'm his brother."

Spock blinked in confusion at that remark. The officer looked just as stunned as Spock felt. In a strange way it was actually somewhat accurate. Still, he wasn't sure he wanted to let Jim go in there alone even if the officers allowed it.

"I don't think he has a brother," the officer replied carefully.

Jim pulled out his wallet and extracted an old, fairly worn, folded piece of paper. For a few seconds all he did was stare at the paper with an odd look. Spock felt a shiver run through him and he wasn't sure if it was his or not. Jim unfolded the paper slowly and placing it on the counter he carefully smoothed it flat. Finally Jim handed the paper to the officer. The officer took the paper and read it.

"You're adopted?"

"Does it matter," Jim asked quietly.

"One second."

The officer left to confer with the others once again.

"They adopted you," McCoy asked.

"No, but when I went to live with them they changed my name."

McCoy shook his head. Spock reached out with the bond again trying to sense anything. There was nothing but the same empty numbness. Jim's eyes never left the officer holding the paper he'd handed him.

"Why'd you keep it," McCoy asked softly.

Jim shrugged but didn't answer.

Finally the officer returned. "Technically you're allowed to see him."

"Good."

"I said technically. There's still two problems."

Jim's eyes narrowed at the man.

"He specifically stated he doesn't want his family to visit."

Jim nodded slowly. "He'll see me."

"Two, we can't let someone in to visit if we think there's a danger to them."

"He's not a danger to me," Jim told the officer.

"You don't know how violent he is," the officer persisted.

"I think I have a good idea," Jim said quietly. "Just tell him their other son is here, he'll see me."

The officer pressed his lips together and inspected them all. Finally he gave a nod and turned to leave.

"Officer?"

The man turned back to face Jim.

"My paperwork."

"Oh yeah. Here."

The officer handed the paper back to Jim. Jim took the paper carefully like it might bite him. Spock thought back on McCoy's question. Why _had_ Jim kept that? Why would he want to be reminded of those people? After everything they had done to him? For the first time in days Spock felt something break through the bleak numbness. Anger began filling him as he thought about Jim's foster parents.

"Spock," Jim said softly without looking back.

Spock tried to push the anger away. "Yes," he said as smoothly as he could manage.

"Please calm down."

Spock blinked a few times still staring at Jim's back. Jim knew? How? Had he not closed himself off? If not why had he completely ignore everything? Why didn't he even acknowledge anything Spock sent through the bond? Jim turned to them and cocked his head like he was thinking about something.

"The bond," Jim asked.

"You sense my thoughts?"

"Sometimes. Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"Can we discuss this later?"

Spock nodded not trusting himself to speak.

Eventually the officer returned.

"He agreed," Jim asked.

"He agreed," the officer confirmed. "Why you and not the rest of the family?"

Jim shrugged. "We understand each other."

"Just so your aware, we have to restrain him."

"No."

"If you want to see him we have to."

"You don't have to. I'll be fine."

"Sorry, we can't take that chance."

Jim growled. "Just take me to see him."

\--------

James strode through the door like he owned every square inch of the building. He stubbornly refused to answer any of the pointless questions the officer that was escorting him asked. As soon as they opened the door and he got a look at the kid in the restraints James growled again. Why couldn't they just listen to him? He was probably the _one_ person this kid _wouldn't_ attack.

"You can go," he told the guard.

"I really should stay."

James looked at the guard blankly. "Why?"

"Uh..."

"Just what exactly do you think he's capable of restrained like that?"

"Uh..."

"Just go," James ordered.

The guard exchanged a look with the officer that had escorted James. After a few seconds both finally left shutting the door behind them. James rolled his eyes. Morons. He turned to face the kid. Kyle.

James dropped the front he put up for the guards and inspected the kid. Kyle was watching him curiously. James grabbed one of the chairs at the table and moved until he was as close as he dared to get. He wasn't worried about Kyle trying to attack him. He was worried about Kyle being uncomfortable with someone he didn't know being too close. James sat down in the chair and waited.

"What do you want?"

James smiled at the attitude. He knew that attitude well.

"I want to talk with you."

"Were you really raised by _them_."

"I'm not sure I would have used the word 'raised', but yeah, I spent more than six years in that house."

Kyle winced.

"And you," James asked.

"Three years four months."

James nodded. "I'm James," he said, finally introducing himself.

"Kyle," Kyle said.

"I know."

"Why are you here?"

"To be honest? I need your help."

Kyle blinked twice. "My help?"

"Yes."

"How on God's green Earth could I possibly help you?"

"They're getting another child."

"Pfft. Of course they are. And who's going to stop them?"

"We are."

"Excuse you?"

James stood up. "Want to get out of those restraints?"

\--------

McCoy paced back and forth while they waited. He'd seen Jim adopt this attitude before but it had never lasted this long. Usually Jim would revert back to his easy going, if mostly annoying, self after whatever crisis had past. He was starting to worry about Jim not to mention what this was doing to his relationship with Spock. He glanced over to the Vulcan in question. Spock was sitting in a chair unmoving. The look on his face made McCoy want to do something, but he couldn't think of anything that might help.

This couldn't go on much longer before one of them broke. The three of them were already mostly running on adrenaline and none of them had eaten a decent meal since who knew when. He would have to see to it that they actually ate something decent later. Yeah, that and a million other things...

"McCoy," someone called out.

His head swiveled to the person calling his name. "Yeah?"

"Come with me."

Confused he followed the man down a hall, around a corner and down another hall.

"Here."

"Want to tell me what this is about?"

"Your presence was requested," the man said opening the door.

McCoy walked in and assessed the situation. Two fairly disgruntled looking guards stood at either side of the door. Jim was standing in the middle of the room with his arms crossed and glaring at the guards. At the table behind Jim, Kyle sat glaring at the table. Of course Jim would find a way to remove the restraints. He shook his head. Ignoring the others McCoy walked over to where Jim stood.

"What's up?"

" _They,_ " Jim said pointing to the guards, "need to do their jobs better and _he,_ " Jim continued as he pointed behind himself to Kyle, "needs medical attention."

McCoy scowled and went to inspect the kid. Jim grabbed his arm.

"Wait. Let me go first."

Jim walked over to the table and sat down across from Kyle. After a moment Kyle looked at Jim. They sat there watching each other for a while before Kyle gave a nod. Jim turned back and waved McCoy over.

"Bones, this is Kyle. Kyle, Bones."

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I would like you to look at his hand," Jim told him.

Kyle tensed and McCoy waited. All the time he had spent dealing with Jim gave him the foresight not to push this too fast. Slowly Kyle lifted his eyes and assessed him. McCoy forced himself to relax and continued to wait. Kyle gave a sharp nod and McCoy walked to the other side of the table slowly. Carefully he sat down in the chair next to Kyle.

"Can I see your hand?"

"It's fine."

McCoy fought not to roll his eyes. _Just like Jim, heaven help us all._

"We discussed this," Jim said.

"Is this really necessary?"

"Yes, now let him look at your hand. He's the best doctor I know."

McCoy raised an eyebrow at the unexpected compliment but didn't say anything.

"Fine. Let's get this over with." Kyle put his left hand on the table.

McCoy winced just looking at it. At least one finger had to be broken, two others didn't look like they were fairing much better. Without any equipment even just assessing this was going to hurt Kyle.

"I have to check if they're broken, it might hurt a little."

"Index finger's broken and ring finger is dislocated. I'm not sure about the middle finger but I'm pretty sure it's broken too. Don't worry about it hurting, just get it done."

"You've broken your fingers before?"

"Me? Nope."

"They did," Jim whispered quietly.

McCoy bit his bottom lip and went to work inspecting Kyle's hand. He decided to make conversation to get more information and to take Kyle's mind off of his hand. "How long ago did you do this?"

"About four days ago I guess."

" _Four_ days, and no one's _treated_ this!"

Kyle flinched. Fuck, McCoy thought. "Sorry. Not mad at you," he mumbled.

"It's okay," Kyle whispered.

McCoy sighed. "Not really kid. The middle finger will be okay eventually. It should have been set immediately but it's okay how it's healing so I don't want to mess with it. I can pop the other finger back into place even if it is going to hurt. The index finger I'm going to have to re-break to set correctly."

Kyle was silent for a moment as he thought about. Finally he gave a sharp nod.

McCoy turned to the guards and listed off supplies he would need from their infirmary. The guards exchanged glances.

"Now," McCoy ordered them.

Both of the guards jumped at the tone. Finally one of them left to get the supplies needed. To say that McCoy wasn't happy with the guards here would be the understatement of the century. You arrest a kid with broken fingers and don't treat them for _four_ days? Then you shackle him so he can't move his hands and his wrists are bent at an odd angle adding pain and possibly further damage to the fingers? He didn't even want to consider how much that had to have hurt.

"Do you really have to re-break it Bones," Jim asked.

"Yeah, kid. If I don't he's not going to be able to use it. It could also cause nerve damage or he could lose circulation. If it had been treated immediately then there wouldn't have been anything to worry about. After four days? Chances are still good everything will be alright, but not the best they could be."

When the guards returned he checked over the supplies. "Alright, when I do this it's going to suck. I'm going to have Jim to hold your other arm okay?"

"Why?"

"A couple of reasons. One, to keep you steady so you don't move to much."

"And two?"

"Two, to keep you from punching me when I do it."

"Understood."

"Okay. First, pain meds," McCoy told him as he held up a hypo.

\--------

Scotty frowned to himself. Kirk turning his communicator off or conveniently leaving it behind wasn't anything new. It wasn't that much of a surprise when Scotty hadn't been able to reach him the night before. What was surprising was that the captain still hadn't checked back in by the next afternoon. As the captain there were certain things Jim had to approve before they could be done. Usually if Scotty was forced to leave a message Jim would get back to him fairly quickly. Something was definitely not right. Maybe someone else knew what was going on.

.

Scotty's already present frown deepened as he was unable to locate Spock. It was strange the captain was still missing but not an immediate cause for concern. That he couldn't locate Spock as well was starting to make Scotty uneasy. Scotty thought about who might possibly know something about the missing captain and first officer. McCoy was probably the best person to talk to, to find Kirk. The doctor and the captain seemed to have a pretty close friendship.

.

Unable to locate the doctor as well as the captain or Spock, Scotty decided to visit the next most logical person. Even though Uhura and Spock were still on fairly good terms it was going to be awkward asking about her ex-boyfriend. Scotty wasn't looking forward to the visit but if anyone knew anything she would. If she wasn't missing as well...


	4. Chapter 4

Spock sat alone in the lobby of the jail. Anxiously he watched the door that led to the visitor area. When they came to get the doctor Spock's worry grew. There were several reasons Jim might have asked for McCoy but the one reason that kept running through Spock's mind was that Jim had been injured. Which was improbable. He would have felt it through the bond. Right? He wasn't sure what to believe anymore. Lost in his own thoughts he didn't pay any attention as the door opened and a group of people entered the jail. When a person from that group spoke Spoke was jolted out of his introspection instantly.

"Can someone please explain to me why three members from the crew of the flagship for the Federation decided to take a vacation together on the spur of the moment without telling anyone and wound up two thousand miles away in a jail in Iowa, especially when none of them are even under arrest?"

Pike? Spock's mind stumbled trying incorporate this.

"Well?"

"Admiral?"

"Yes?"

"I, we, uh.."

"Spit it out Commander."

"We were... visiting someone."

"Yes, a Kyle Patterson as if I recall correctly."

"You know?"

"McCoy really needs to learn a few things about covering his tracks when he's searching databases he shouldn't be."

"I take full responsibility for that."

"Yes, I'm sure you do," Pike mused. "We'll talk about this later. Where are the other two?"

"With Kyle to the best of my knowledge, sir."

"Well then, I think it's time to meet this Kyle."

\--------

While Bones finished up with Kyle's hand James let his mind wander through everything they still had to do today. They had very little time to get things done before they were going to have to leave. They needed to make a schedule. As he was musing the door to the room opened and a very familiar voice hit his ears.

"Sorry but you can't go in there."

"I'm a Starfleet admiral and two of my officers are in that room. You are sadly mistaken if you think you're going to keep me out, now move."

Pike? James spun and watched the door as Pike strode into the room, his cane banging loudly on the concrete floor. Two personal guards entered next followed by Spock. Pike's personal guards took up positions on either side of the door. Spock made eye contact with James. Spock's head tilted as he shifted his eyes over to Kyle and back to James. James frowned and Spock motioned with his eyes to Kyle again. James glanced at Kyle and back to Spock. Spock shifted his eyes to Pike and back to James. Pike knew?

Pike turned to the guards. "Gentlemen, your services will no longer be required. We will inform you when we're finished here. Until then I need everyone in here not Kyle Patterson or part of Starfleet to exit the room." Flustered the jail guards made their way to the door with several looks back as Pike followed them out.

"We'll let you know as soon as we're done here. Until then, please try not to disturb us." Pike shut the door and turned to face everyone else in the room.

"I can explain and I take full responsibility for everything," James told him promptly.

"I bet. Now where have I heard that before?" Pike glanced over to Kyle.

"So, this is the infamous Kyle Patterson?"

The protective instincts in James kicked in and he moved so that he was standing between Kyle and Pike. "Us coming here was my doing. Bones and Spock only came along to keep me from getting into any trouble."

"Is that so?"

"Yes sir."

"So those two had no hand in you coming here what so ever?"

James hesitated. Verbally sparring with Pike was dangerous.

"Any involvement from them was done at my insistence. I take full responsibility for anything they might have done at my command."

"Like McCoy hacking the national Social Services database?"

James winced. "Yes sir."

"Now wait a minute," Bones started.

"I see. And I thought he was trying to help you keep an abusive foster family from getting another child."

James opened and shut his mouth momentarily speechless. How did Pike know and how much did he know?

"Let's just say McCoy's a better doctor than hacker."

"He wouldn't have had to if people like you didn't keep letting people like them foster us," Kyle stated defiantly.

"People like me," Pike asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes. At least he was trying to help. You want to be mad at someone be mad at Social Services and leave the doctor alone."

"Heaven help us," McCoy muttered. "Just what the world needs, two Jim's."

"I can handle this Kyle. Let me do this please," James pleaded.

"I think we need to get a few things straight," Pike said as he moved toward the table. James stood his ground. As soon as they were face to face Pike stopped and looked over James' shoulder. "Mind if I sit," he asked Kyle.

Kyle stiffened and everyone in the room turned to watch him.

"What do I care where you sit?"

Pike nodded once and made his way to the chair. As he sat down he glanced back to James, Bones and Spock. The three shared a look and walked closer. James made a point to stand next to where Kyle was sitting to reassure him. Pike gave a nod to Kyle's hand. "What happened there?"

Kyle crossed his arms and refused to answer.

"You mess up what I just did to fix your hand and we're going to have issues," McCoy warned.

Kyle uncrossed his arms and put his left hand into his lap.

"It's okay," James told him. "He's one of us. I told you, you could trust Bones and I was right about that wasn't I?"

Kyle nodded slowly. "So far." He turned back to Pike. "Okay. So let's say I do trust you for now. Why are you here?"

"I'm here because I need information. Apparently waiting for my officers to bring things to my attention is too much to ask."

"It was my idea," James told him. "When I saw Kyle's file I had to talk to him. I found out my foster parents were applying for another child and I couldn't let that happen."

"How did you find out?"

"Through a computer search."

"You expect me to believe you leave before you're seventeen, have no contact with them for several years and then all of a sudden run a search to see if they're applying for more children?"

"I ran the search," McCoy admitted. "And I'd like it noted I did this behind Jim's back."

"So noted doctor. Why did you think to run the search?"

McCoy bit his bottom lip.

"Because of me," James said. "He asked me some questions about my medical records and got suspicious. He was only doing what he thought was right."

"I think we need to get a few things out in the open right now. So far none of you are in too much trouble. Let's see if we can keep it that way. When it was brought to my attention that McCoy had been searching through the S.S.A. database without a court order I stalled. I bought enough time to find out McCoy was researching a specific couple that provided foster care. With that information I checked their previous charges and realized one of them was a James T. Kirk\Patterson. Since it was McCoy running the search I checked your medical records. I can understand why McCoy would question them and I'm not even a doctor. I don't understand how any one in medical screening _didn't_ question them."

"How did you get a list of their previous charges," Bones asked.

"My hackers are better at their job than you were."

"I'm a doctor not a hacker," grumbled Bones.

"I'm going to have to contact the S.S.A. soon. I need something to tell them.

"Tell them pull the kid out of that house," James growled.

"Agreed," Kyle growled.

"We need a valid reason why. One of you two want to help out with that," Pike asked looking between the two of them. Both averted their eyes.

\--------

"Jim," Spock said softly.

"I know," Jim spat out angrily as he finally looked back. "I said I would didn't I?"

Pike nodded his head slowly. "The word of a Starfleet officer ought to carry some weight. That had to be be a hard decision to make."

You have no idea, Spock thought.

"What about you Patterson?"

"I haven't decided..."

"We need you. You know what it was like there. You know what that kid's going to go through," Jim told him.

"You're in Starfleet, your words will have weight. What will my testimony do?"

"You know why we need you. It proves I wasn't the only one. It proves it was still going on after me. It establishes a pattern and proves no kid would be safe in their care."

"Easy for you to say."

"You think this going to be easy for me? You're right, I am a Starfleet officer. Do you know how much publicity that'll get? Everyone's going to know everything about me by the end of this. You think I want that?"

Spock reached out and put a hand on Jim's arm. He couldn't pretend to understand how hard this going to be for Jim. He settled for sharing what comfort Jim would accept. Anger at the people who had hurt Jim threatened to surface again and Spock shoved those feelings away. If Jim was still getting feelings from him now was not the time to be feeling such negative emotions.

"I _know_ it's hard. If anyone would understand how hard this is for you it's me. I've been there too. But this isn't about us anymore. There's another child involved. Nobody bothered to help us, let's help him. You didn't deserve what they did to you any more than he deserves what they'll do to him."

You didn't deserve it either, Spock thought at Jim.

"Don't make me do this alone, Kyle... I need you."

For the first time in almost a full week Spock felt a real, definitive, solid emotion through the bond. Desperation. It was too much for him to stop himself. He moved to stand behind Jim and wrapped his arms around him protectively. Jim reached one hand up and grabbed onto one of Spock's arms. Kyle watched them with a small frown.

"Please assist," Spock said quietly, watching Kyle over Jim's shoulder.

"Are you two..."

"Yeah," Jim said.

Kyle nodded absently. "I want to, I'm just not sure if I can."

"You can. They don't have any control over us. Not any more. Besides we're stronger together."

Kyle hesitated. "I'll try."

"That's all I ask."

"Well," Pike spoke up. "If that's settled I think we should all get out of here."

"You guys go. I want to stay and talk with Kyle some more," Jim told Pike.

Pike shrugged. "So come with us and talk to him."

Everyone exchanged confused looks.

Finally, it dawned on Spock. "You bailed him out."

"Of course I bailed him out. Apparently I need to keep an eye on you three and I couldn't do that if I left him here. Well, that and I need him more accessible while Starfleet conducts an official inquiry into the Social Services Administrative Department."

"Wait, when did Starfleet open an investigation into Social Services," Jim asked.

"What do you say we discuss this on the way back," Pike countered.

\--------

With Pike in the lead the group left the visitor's room. Kyle was placed firmly in the middle of the group behind Pike and his two security officers. McCoy followed behind Kyle with Spock and Jim bringing up the rear of the procession. They made their way down the hall and back to the lobby. As the group entered the lobby they were stopped by two officers.

"No so fast."

Pike stopped and held up a hand to halt the rest of them.

"There's a few matters that need to be addressed."

The man pulled out several slips of paper.

"Unauthorized shuttle landing inside the city limits, _quadruple_ parked, disorderly-"

"Just hand them over," Pike ordered. He skimmed through the tickets raising an eyebrow at a few of them. When he was done he handed them off to the security guard on his left. "Make sure those get taken care of."

"Aye sir."

Pike gave a nod and the group resumed walking.

McCoy did a double take at the shuttle parked in the street blocking traffic in all directions. 'Quadruple' parked, indeed. A large group of onlookers were gathered around gawking at the shuttle and the two security personnel guarding it. He couldn't help shaking his head as the group made their way to the shuttle. Between the original group, Pike, Kyle and the four security personnel it was more than a little cramped.

As the shuttle was getting ready to lift off McCoy took the opportunity to study Jim. He hadn't said a word since they'd left the room. The blank look on the Jim's face troubled him. It was the same look he was used to seeing on Jim's face when the kid first woke up from a nightmare. Spock reached over an put a hand on one of Jim's who didn't seem to notice. _Come on kid, hold it together a little longer._

Something brushed against McCoy's right arm and he turned to look. One of the four security personnel aboard sat in the seat to the right. Kyle stood against the wall between the two of seats. His body was slightly angled with the edge of his back to McCoy. McCoy processed the body language he could read and compared everything with what he knew about Jim. Jim... Turning McCoy snagged the attention of the security officer sitting on Jim's right and motioned him over.

"Did you need something?"

"Yeah," McCoy said as he stood. "Sit."

The security officer gave him an odd look. "Sir?"

"Just do it," McCoy ordered. He tapped Kyle on the shoulder and Kyle jumped. "Hey, follow me."

Kyle stared at him suspiciously. "Why?"

"Cause I said so kid. Just follow me."

Surprisingly Kyle did follow him. McCoy made his way over to the recently vacated chair next to Jim and turned to face Kyle again. "Sit," he ordered. When Kyle sat McCoy stood next to the seat on Kyle's other side. From the far side of Jim, Spock caught his eye and stared at him questioningly. McCoy shook his head. He figured the sudden influx of new people were making Kyle uncomfortable. He couldn't tell Spock that without announcing it to everyone else as well. If Kyle was anything like Jim, stating something like that in front of everyone in the shuttle would only serve to make him more defensive.

\--------

"Wait, what do you mean missing," Uhura asked.

"Just what I said. The captain's comm. is in his quarters and he's not. Spock's comm. is turned off and it would take who know's how long to track down if I could even manage it. The doctor's comm. signature is being blocked by someone who's really, really good with computers. Not one of the three seems to have shown up for anything they were supposed to be at today and they're not on the _Enterprise_. I was half convinced you would be missing as well," Scotty informed her.

"Maybe you're over-reacting. Maybe they just went out to do something together and haven't gotten back yet?"

"Right, because Spock and the doctor as such good friends?"

"They're both fairly good friends with Jim. Maybe he talked them into it?"

"And he talked Spock into turning his comm. off right before he talked to someone about blocking the doctor's comm. signal?"

Uhura frowned.

"I suggest I go back to my quarters and check into things while you check with Sulu and Chekov to see if they know anything."

"Why not stay here and just use my computer?"

"No offense but I made modifications to my computer that would make my searches go faster. I don't want to take the time trying to upgrade yours at the moment."

"Got it. When I'm done I'll meet you back at your quarters and update you."

"Contact me if you get anything that would be useful."

"Deal."

\--------

The next logical stop would be the Social Services offices. For that reason Spock was surpised when they stopped at a motel. As surprised as he was, he was also slightly relieved. He was worried about Jim. Aside from that once in the jail he still wasn't getting anything through the bond. If they were going to stay here for some time he might actively 'look' to see if he could catch any of Jim's thoughts. He was reticent to do that just yet though. So far he had been avoiding doing just that out of respect to Jim's privacy.

Pike ordered them all off the shuttle. Spock waited for Jim to stand but Jim continued staring into space, presumably lost in his own thoughts. Spock's concern rose. He put a hand on Jim's shoulder and squeezed it gently to get his attention. Jim jumped slightly and looked around before he seemed to recognize where he was. Something shifted subtly and Jim was back to 'normal'. As normal as he had been since the all of this began anyway.

"What's up," Jim asked as he stood.

"It would seem we are stopping here for the moment."

"Right. Well let's go find out what's going on."

Spock watched Jim head toward the exit and followed silently.

\--------

As soon as he saw Jim and Spock exit McCoy turned to Kyle. "Hey, I have to go talk to the Admiral for a second. If you want you can go hang out with Jim."

Kyle nodded and left to join Jim and Spock. McCoy shook his head as he thought about the similarities between Kyle and Jim. He made his way to Admiral Pike. "Can I speak with you for a moment?"

"I assume you mean alone?"

"Yeah, I'd appreciate it."

"Yeah, hang on." Pike turned to the closest security officer and handed him key cards for rooms. "Everyone has to pair up. I don't care who rooms with who but if there's any bickering I'm settling it."

"Aye sir."

After the man left Pike turned back to McCoy.

"What's up doctor?"

"Were you planning on going to the Social Services offices?"

"Yeah, pretty soon. Just dropping some people off here first. Why?"

"If possible I was wondering if we could leave Jim and Spock here. I'm going no matter what. I know Jim wants to go to but..."

"You're worried about him."

"None of us has really had any time to stop and take a breath. We've been doing almost nothing but working on this for almost a week. I'm sure we all need a break."

" _All_ of you need a break?"

"I'll take a break from this when we get back. We're only here because my search finally turned up something. I am going, sir."

Pike nodded. "Alright doctor, thirty minutes."

"Got it."

Swiftly he made his way back over to Spock grabbing his emergency medkit on the way.

"Hey, can I see you for a minute?"

Spock quirked an eyebrow but followed. When they were a safe distance away from the others McCoy pulled a bottle out of the medkit and handed it to Spock. "You and Jim are staying here while Pike, Kyle and I hit the S.S.A. offices. I know Jim wants to go as early as possible but he needs sleep." _Hell we all need sleep, me included._ "I want both of you to take one of these while we're gone. They'll help you sleep a few hours. That's an official order from your physician."

"Jim will not like this."

"I know, but you know I'm right. He needs sleep right now. He can go in tomorrow." McCoy hesitated. "How is everything? WIth you two I mean."

"As well as can be expected."

"Figured as much. You two get some sleep, I'll bring back some decent food later."

Spock nodded and the two of them returned to where Jim and Kyle stood talking.

"Kyle, can I see you for a moment," McCoy asked.

"Yeah, I guess..."

\--------

Walking into the room Jim slammed the door shut behind himself.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me they were going to leave without me!"

"For precisely this reason Jim."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"You are emotional, over tired and under fed. You need to calm down, get some sleep and eat something."

"What I need is to finish this."

"Which you can do tomorrow."

"I don't want to wait until tomorrow, I want to get it done now."

"Be logical Jim. When you do go to file your report you need to appear calm and rational. Going as you are now would only decrease our chance of success. We need to do everything within our power to ensure we succeed."

"I just want this done!"

Jim flopped down on the bed closest to the door. He rolled over until he faced the door and away from Spock. Spock sighed heavily and moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

"I can't do this forever. I need to get this done."

"We will, tomorrow."

"I hate waiting."

"I know."

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Jim said quietly.

Spock closed his eyes and shook his head. He removed his shoes and moved to lie down behind Jim. Jim snuggled in closer and Spock threw an arm over him. "You are upset. It is understandable under the circumstances. You do not need to apologize."

Jim sighed. "Yeah, I do. I owe you and Bones both an apology. I haven't really been myself lately."

"It is understandable."

"That doesn't make it right Spock."

"Jim."

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

Spock felt Jim stiffen and waited. After a moment he relaxed again.

"I know you do. I can feel it."

"Through the bond?"

"Yeah."

"Jim."

"I know. You want to talk about that."

"You did say 'later'."

"I don't know how to put it. It's not like I can read your thoughts. I just get these... flashes and it's like I just know what you're thinking sometimes."

"Flashes of images?"

"No, more like flashes of emotions. When it happens I know they're coming from you but I almost feel them like they're mine. You know what I mean?"

"Yes. It is what we would refer to technically as 'emotional' empathy."

"Emotional?"

"As opposed to cognitive. With cognitive empathy you sense what another is feeling and possible some of their stronger thoughts but you do not 'feel' them as your own. With emotional empathy you actually feel the other person's emotions. It is a technicality. Generally it is just refered to empathy."

"What were you angry at?"

"It does not matter."

"It does to me. Please?"

"I was angry at the things your foster parents did to you."

"Oh."

"What did you think it was?"

"Nothing."

"Jim."

"Fine. I thought maybe you were mad at me."

"At you?"

"Yeah. Whatever, not important."

"It is to me," Spock whispered.

Jim moved so that he was facing Spock.

"It's okay if you are mad at me. I have been a pain in the ass lately."

"Yes. But I am still not mad at you."

Jim smiled.

"Perhaps we should get some sleep," Spock suggested.

"I can't. My mind just keeps running in circles with everything I have to do."

Spock sat up and retrieved the bottle of pills.

"No."

"Dr. McCoy officially ordered it as our doctor."

"I don't care. I'm not taking them."

"For me?"

"Don't ask that. You don't understand."

"Explain."

Jim ran a hand through his hair. "If I have a dream I won't be able to wake up. I'll be stuck there."

Nightmare, Spock thought. Not just a dream but a nightmare.

"May I try something?"

"Will it involve taking sleeping pills?"

"No."

"Okay."

Spock laid back down and motioned for Jim to do the same. Jim finally laid back down. Spock repositioned them until they faced each other and were looking into each other's eyes. Jim's head lay on top of Spock's left arm. Spock took his right hand and slowly brushed his finger tips from Jim's temples backward and behind the ear. He took all of the love, compassion and warmth he felt for Jim and, starting slowly, he pushed it through the bond. Safe, he thought to Jim. You are safe with me. Be calm, you are safe. Sleep, you are safe.

It was some time before he sensed Jim's muscles relaxing. He carefully increased the intensity of the feelings little by little. Jim's breathing started to even out and his eyelids started to close. Every so often his eyes would reopen as Jim fought against sleeping. Safe, Spock assured him mentally, increasing the intensity of his emotions a tiny amount again. Jim started to drift off to sleep but his eyes jerked open again.

"Dreams," he mumbled.

"I will watch for them. Sleep now."

Jim nodded drowsily.

Less than ten minutes later Jim was finally fast asleep. Spock continued to keep sending his emotions through the bond.

\--------*The crew*--------

"I've got something," Scotty informed the others.

"What do you have," Sulu asked as the rest of the group gathered around.

"The Admiral just paid for four rooms at a motel in Iowa."

"Four," Chekov asked.

"Aye."

"That makes sense if Jim, Spock and McCoy are with him," Sulu stated.

"Why would they be in Iowa," Chekov asked.

"I don't know why they're there now but that's where Jim's from," Uhura told them. "Maybe it has something to do with Jim?"

"Something that involves Admiral Pike," Sulu asked.

"I don't know any more than you know at this point. All I'm saying is that would be the most logical conclusion," Uhura said tiredly. "I have a meeting to get to. I probably won't make it back until tomorrow."

"Yeah, I should probably leave too. I don't have a meeting until tomorrow but I need to get a change of clothes," Sulu told them. "Let me know if anything new turns up."

"Will do," Scotty assured him.

After Uhura and Sulu were gone Scotty turned to Chekov. "Looks like it's just you and me tonight."

\--------

Walking into the Social Services offices McCoy squinted against the bright fluorescent lighting. His head was killing him. He had to get some sleep soon. Everything looked about like he pictured it would; uncomfortable looking chairs, tiled floors, bland white walls with generic pictures stategically placed. Pike approached the counter with one of his security officers and the other one hung back with McCoy and Kyle.

"I need to speak with whoever is in charge of this office," Pike told the woman.

"How can I help you?"

"Are you in charge of this office?"

"Not completely, I-"

"Let me speak to your supervisor."

"If you don't have an appointment-"

"I am Starfleet Admiral Christopher Pike and your office is hereby notified that you are under investigation for charges of child abuse, endangerment and neglect. Now let me see your supervisor."

The flustered woman floundered trying to come up with a response to that.

"Now," Pike ordered.

Finally the woman left. McCoy shook his head and rubbed his eyes. Damn he needed sleep. Finally she returned trailing another woman who strode into the office from one of the back hallways.

"Silvia Parker," she announced as she held her hand out.

Pike gave her a curt nod and ignored the hand. "You have somewhere else we could talk?"

"Quite. If you'll follow me."

As the group started to follow her the lady from the counter attempted to stop the rest of them. McCoy continued walking forward causing her to back up a few steps. He waited for Kyle to pass before he rejoined the group following Silvia Parker. They followed her to an office at the end of a hall. She opened the door and waited for them to enter. Pike and his security officer entered. Kyle hesitated.

"You first, kid," McCoy ordered.

Finally Kyle walked in and McCoy followed. After they were all in Parker finally entered and shut the door. She walked around the desk and sat down behind it. With only two other seats McCoy opted to stand letting Kyle and Pike take the chairs.

"Okay," the woman began, "someone tell what's going on."

"This agency is officially under investigation. It has recently come to light that this agency has placed at least two children in foster homes with abusive care-givers."

"I assume you have some proof of this," Parker asked.

McCoy stalked forward and dropped Jim's medical records on her desk while glaring at her. Jim's name was listed as James Patterson, the name they had changed it to when fostering him. "Yeah, how about multiple fractures, broken bones, evidence of scarring from burns and lacerations, repeated head trauma? Evidence enough?"

Parker glanced down at the folder briefly and looked back up. "And you are?"

"Dr. Leonard McCoy, Starfleet medical officer and Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise."

"I see."

"Not yet you don't. Open that damned file and you might." He dropped Kyle's file onto her desk. "Patterson. Kyle, T.," he stated nodding back at Kyle. "Injuries, simmilar. Multiple fractures, broken bones, evidence of scarring from burns and lacerations, repeated head trauma. Tell me something, how can you sleep knowing you actively put children in places where things like _this_ happen to them? How do you justify it to yourself How do you-"

"Enough Dr. McCoy," Pike ordered.

McCoy shut his mouth, still fuming internally.

"If something like this was happening I had no idea. However, I doubt you'll believe that."

 _Damned right I don't believe you._ "They lived through this the least you can do is acknowledge it happened. Open the files."

"I assure you I will look into this matter."

"You should have looked into this matter years ago when your agency placed a defenseless child an a abusive household and didn't bother to check into it when he never showed for the standard adjustment meetings."

"Doctor," Pike warned.

McCoy clamped his mouth shut and glared at the woman.

"Kyle I presume," Parker asked.

Kyle nodded.

"I would appreciate hearing what happened from you if you wouldn't mind telling me."

Kyle looked over at him and McCoy nodded to the kid.

.

By the time Kyle was done with reciting what he was willing to share McCoy was standing beside him with a hand on Kyle's shoulder. To Parker's credit, the woman looked genuinely pissed off. Maybe she hadn't known about any of this. Maybe... But McCoy couldn't help still being pissed that she was in charge of the agency that allowed it to happen.

"I see," the woman said slowly. She turned to face McCoy.

"Doctor, May I keep these files?"

"Why," McCoy asked instantly suspicious.

"Despite what you may believe I was completely unaware this was happening. I would like these or copies of these files for my own records as I research who was responsible for the placement. I would also appreciate adequate time to look over them. As you stated, they lived through it, the least I can do is look at the files."

"I'll send you copies."

"Understood." She handed him a business card with her information on it.

\--------

 _Spock blinked several times trying to recall how he had gotten into a lift on the_ Enterprise _. As the doors opened he stepped on to an almost empty bridge. The sole other person here was Jim. He watched Jim going from station to station trying to navigate and pilot the ship alone. Where is everyone else, Spock wondered. As he watched he noted the frustration building in Jim as he ran back and forth attempting to do everything alone. Unable to keep up with everything at once Jim would no sooner correct one thing than another thing would go wrong._

_'Dream,' Spock's mind told him. 'Remember, he was dreaming and you promised to watch over his dreams.' If this was a dream then it was Jim's subconscious trying to tell him something. Spock analyzed the scene before him. The one thing that stood out more than anything else was how alone Jim seemed as he tried to handle everything by himself. But he's not alone, Spock thought, he just feels that way._

_Spock walked over and took a seat at his station. Jim turned and finally noticed him. Spock nodded at Jim and went to work manning his station so Jim would have one less thing to worry about. Jim looked momentarily surprised but gave him a grateful look. It's a start, Spock thought. What else could he do to show Jim he wasn't alone? Suddenly the ship lurched and started to slow._

_"Damn it we're losing power," Jim muttered. He turned to Spock. "How much do you know about engineering?"_

_Spock had a sudden idea and reached forward to hit the ship's comm. controls._

_"Spock to engineering. Scotty get us power back immediately."_

_"Aye sir, working on it," Scotty responded._

_He reached for the ship's comm. again._

_"Mr. Sulu and Mr. Chekov, if you are finished with things elsewhere we could used assistance on the bridge."_

_Over the comm. both acknowledged. Within minutes both walked onto the bridge and took their stations. Jim stared as he watched the two take their places. 'Yes,' Spock thought, 'you have other people to lean on. You are not alone.'_

_Spock pushed feelings of friendship and camaraderie through the bond hoping it would work in a dream. Jim's shoulder's seemed to relax slightly._

_Scotty's voice came on over the comm. "Scotty to bridge, full power should be restored... now."_

_"Power restored, speed increasing," Sulu informed them._

_Spock gave another little push to the dream world and waited. Within moments Uhura and Dr. McCoy stepped off the turbo life._

_Uhura walked swiftly to her station and took a seat._

_"Bones," Jim asked in disbelief._

_"Well yeah, you were expecting someone else? By the way, anyone ever tell you, you make a better captain than a pilot?"_

\--------

True to his word McCoy did bring food back; he just hoped no one would be awake to eat it. Hopefully Spock convinced Jim to take a pill and actually get some sleep. He made his way to the door of their room. Here goes nothing, he thought. He knocked softly in case they were actually asleep but sincerely doubted it. When there was no immediate answer he began to hope. He knocked softly once again. Still no answer. Thank God, he thought to himself. They both desperately needed to get some sleep.

He made his way back to the room he was sharing with Kyle. He stopped before he actually opened the door. He should go in, make sure Kyle ate something and then ensure they both got much needed sleep. Instead he leaned back against the wall next to the door and looked out at the sky. He took a few deep breaths to steady himself. God, he needed a break from this. He needed time to step back from everything for a while. No such luck if he wanted to make sure Kyle was still awake so he could eat. With a final sigh McCoy shoved himself off the wall and let himself into their room.

\--------

James opened his eyes and blinked a few times to focus his vision. He was still face to face with Spock, who was still sleeping. James smiled. For the first time in a while he actually felt alright, less alone. He had been trying to handle everything on his own for so long he had forgotten he didn't have to anymore. He still worried that Spock would get fed up and leave but at moments like this he could almost ignore those fears. It was nice just to lay here and watch him sleep.

"You think too loud," Spock mumbled.

"And you sleep too long."

"Comfortable," Spock mumbled. He yawned and finally opened his eyes.

James smiled again. "Sleep well?"

"Mmm."

"We're going to have to get up soon."

"No."

"No?"

"It would be illogical," Spock stated as he reached out and pulled James closer. Spock shut his eyes again.

James laughed. "Illogical, huh?"

"Yes," Spock murmured sleepily.

"They're going to be waiting for us."

"Mmm, they can wait."

"You're starting to sound like me."

"Good."

James shook his head. "Come on, we really do have to get up."

"I know." Spock reopened his eyes. "How did you sleep?"

"Pretty good, I think. I'm guessing you had some part in that."

Spock just smiled.

\--------

McCoy stood outside of his room, two doors down from Jim and Spock's room. He paced back and forth worrying. None of the side effects from the pills were too bad. They were a low dosage. Judging from reactions to other similar drugs Jim should be okay with these. Maybe his body just really needed sleep? More than fourteen hours? Well, give or take an hour or two. He had no way of knowing how long it before they might have taken the pills after he'd left. I should never have given him meds without being here, he thought. Just as he decided to walk down and knock on their door, it opened.

"Bones," Jim greeted.

"Jim."

"Got anything for breakfast. I'm starving."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "You're always starving. We were waiting on you two so we could go get breakfast."

"Perfect. Hey Bones?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry about my attitude lately."

McCoy frowned. "It was understandable kid."

"Understandable maybe, but doesn't make it right. You know, Spock actually said the same thing yesterday. You two are more alike than you'd think. Breakfast?"

McCoy glanced from Jim to Spock and back to Jim. "Uh, yeah sure. Let's grab Kyle and we can go hit that diner accross the street."

"I'll get him," Jim stated as he left.

Him and Spock, alike? Not even going there. Instead he decided to change topics. He turned back to face Spock.

\--------

"You didn't give him the pills," McCoy accused.

"How did you arrive at that conclusion doctor?"

"He's... chipper..."

Spock smiled. "Perhaps he just slept well?"

McCoy looked at Spock skeptically. "How did you get him to sleep?"

"I told him he needed sleep."

"You just told him?"

Spock shrugged.

"Why don't I buy that?"

"I believe that even on Earth it would be 'inappropriate' to ask what a couple does when they are alone," Spock stated evenly, teasing the doctor just slightly. The shock on the doctor's face was worth it. Generally one did not discuss the specifics of a mating bond with anyone other than their mate. Teasing the doctor this way was the most logical way to cease any further questions the doctor might pose and end this line of conversation quickly.

"Breakfast time," Jim announced as he and Kyle joined Spock and McCoy. Three of the security guards followed slightly behind.

"Can I help you, McCoy asked them.

"Orders. We're assigned to keep an eye on you four."

"But we don't have to be _here_ for you to keep an eye on us, right," Jim asked.

"Technically speaking no."

"So, we can go get breakfast?"

"The Admiral did anticipate that you might wish to get breakfast. It is allowable."

"Wonderful," Jim exclaimed, slapping the man on the back once.

The seven of them made their way across the street and into the small diner. Most of the tables were empty. A few people sat in some of the booths but there were several people sitting at the counter drinking coffee. Many of the patrons stopped their conversations and turned to inspect the newcomers. Spock followed Jim as the group made their way to find a place to sit. The four of them sat at one table and the three guards sat at a table nearby.

A waitress walked over to their table and handed them menus. They ordered drinks and everyone inspected the menu except for the doctor. When the waitress returned with the drinks everyone ordered breakfast. Kyle picked at a nick in the table and refused to make eye contact. In many ways Kyle and Jim were similar. In some ways they were very different from each other. Where Kyle shied away from most human interactions, Jim almost seemed to thrive on interacting with others. Perhaps it had something to do with always feeling alone, Spock thought.

"So what's the plan," Jim asked.

"I have a few places I need to visit today," McCoy answered.

"You're not going with me to give my statement?"

Spock felt a small pang of anxiety through the bond and sent back calming feelings. "Perhaps you could postpone your visits until afterward," he suggested to McCoy.

"I'd like to get started as soon as possible. I don't know how long any of my visits are going to take. I don't want to chance not getting to everything."

"Yeah, no, I understand. It's fine. Don't worry about it, I got this. Trust me."

Spock didn't need the bond with Jim to know how forced that statement was.

\--------

Damn it. The last thing he needed to be doing at a time like this was removing any support network the kid had left. Especially when Jim was _finally_ going to report what had happened. He would love to postpone going to the Medical Board until tomorrow, unfortunately tomorrow was Saturday. If he didn't get there today he would have to wait until Monday to be able to get anything done.

"Hey, you'll be fine. Spock is going with you, right?"

Jim glanced questioningly at Spock.

"Of course I am," he assured Jim.

"See, Spock will be there. You can handle this, I know you can. Everything will be fine Jimmy. Okay?" Jim nodded slowly and McCoy wanted kick himself for abandoning his friend.

Finally their food arrived and all conversation stopped while they ate. While he never usually ate breakfast he had ordered some toast with his coffee. He had no idea when he would be able to stop for lunch later. Spock was eating oatmeal and fruit; light and bland but filling. No big surprise there. Jim ordering the special and adding extra toast and bacon wasn't surprising either. Kyle ordering the same was a bit interesting.

As he sipped his coffee waiting for the others to finish eating the door opened. Turning, he watch Pike and the last remaining security guard enter. Walking over to the table Pike pulled a chair up and sat down with them. Jim paused briefly before he went back to inhaling his breakfast. McCoy resisted the temptation to roll his eyes.

"So what's on everyone's agenda for today?"

No one spoke. Pike turned to McCoy.

"Doctor?"

I was planning on visiting a few places today."

"What places?"

McCoy frowned. He really didn't want anyone going with him. To him this was a doctor to doctor thing, nothing that involved anyone else. He really didn't want anyone else there when he went to the Medical Board or to confront any of the doctors.

"I'd rather go alone," he told Pike.

"I'd rather you told me where you were going first," Pike returned.

"I was planning on going to the Medical Board."

Pike nodded thoughtfully and turned to Jim. "You're giving your statement today."

Jim swallowed carefully and looked down to inspect his food. "I know," he said quietly.

"Spock?"

"I'm going where ever Jim is going," Spock replied instantly.

Pike smiled. "Just checking. Dr. McCoy, when we get back I have a special job for you. I want you to shake up our medical screening personel. Consider it like a surprise inspection for them."

"You're kidding right?"

"Nope. When you're done I want a report of how we can improve things. That way things like this don't get overlooked in the future."

"You realize most of those people have been here far longer than I have. Not to mention some of them out rank me?"

"They don't out rank me. If I have to make this an official order I will doctor, but I don't want this to happen ever again. I want to make sure the next time we come across a similar file it gets the attention needed."

Just what I need, more work, McCoy grumbled mentally.

"Do I have to make it an order doctor?"

"Fine, I'll do it. But if anyone disputes my authority in this I'm sending them to you."

"Agreed."

\--------

He couldn't do this. He turned around and almost walked into the security guard behind him. Dammit! He gave a sharp nod trying to make it look like the action had been on purpose and turned back around. He looked sideways and caught Spock watching him as they made their way down the hallway. Love flowed into him through the bond soothing his fraying nerves. He relaxed into the feeling and let it calm him. He had to do this, he reminded himself. It wasn't just about him anymore. All he had to do was give his statement and possibly answer a few questions. He could do that much, right?

\--------

McCoy marched up to the desk and placed both hands flat on top of it. "I'm here to see Dr. Ashworth."

"Dr. Ashworth is in a meeting right now and can't be disturbed."

McCoy straightened and stalked towards the conference room doors. When the receptionist tried to cut him off he side-stepped her and flung the door open. He didn't bother to shut the door as he marched over to where Dr. Ashworth sat.

"Dr. Leonard McCoy, Starfleet medical officer and Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise," he introduced himself. "We need to talk."

.

McCoy stood silently watching as Dr. Ashworth inspected each file slowly. When he finally shut the last one Dr. Ashworth finally looked and met McCoy's eyes.

"Why are you just now bringing this to our attention?"

"I just now found out about it a few days ago. I had to compile a list of all the doctors involved."

"How did you find out about this?"

"When he joined Starfleet I gained access to his medical records."

"Does he know you're doing this?"

"He knows I was going to do this even if he doesn't know I'm doing it right now."

"I see. Is he filing charges against the doctors?"

"Not to my knowledge, although I would like to."

"Is he filing charges against his parents?"

"Foster parents, and yes."

"Good. Do you have any info on the doctors that treated the other one?"

"No, I just found out about Kyle. I haven't had any time to do the research."

"You know I need to keep these files?"

"I have copies."

"You do realize what will happen if I find out you knew about this and didn't come forward as early as possible?"

"You really think I wouldn't report this the second I had all the information?"

"Honestly no, but remember you did just bring me a stack of files with several doctors who didn't report what they should have when they should have. I will look into this but I want you to let us handle this for now."

"If I hadn't taken the initiative and just let others handle this no one would have ever realized how incompetent these doctors were."

"I understand, however you need to let this go through the proper channels if you want to make sure it gets taken care of properly. Bringing it to me was the first step. You need to have faith I will take care of this."

"Like James should have had faith someone would have taken care of things properly?"

"You have my word I will make sure this is taken care of and the right people are suitably punished. Bringing this to me was the first step, now I need you to let me do my job. Is that clear?"

"As long as something gets done about this."

\--------

"You really should eat."

"Not hungry," Jim muttered as he rolled away from Spock and onto his other side.

Spock watched trying to figure out how to help. After giving his statement Jim held it together long enough to get back to the motel room. Spock hadn't been permitted into the room where Jim gave his statement. The statement required Jim to provide more details about what had happened then he had ever told anyone. A soon as they shut the door Jim had all but shut down. Insisting he wasn't hungry Jim had already skipped lunch. So far Spock hadn't had any luck getting Jim to eat anything for dinner either. There was a knock at the door. Jim didn't move. Spock sighed and went to answer the door.

"Spock."

"Doctor."

"I brought dinner," McCoy said holding up a bag of fast food.

"You are welcome to try but Jim insists he's not hungry."

"Not hungry huh?"

"No."

\--------

McCoy walked into the room and noted that there was already some untouched food on the table. He set down the food he brought and turned to inspect Jim. Jim lay on the bed closest to the door, facing away from them. McCoy turned back to Spock. "He didn't eat lunch either did he?"

"No."

"Of course not." McCoy sighed and walked over to the edge of the bed. "Up Jim, now. Even if you don't do anything else you're still eating dinner."

"Not. Hungry."

"I didn't say you had to be hungry, I said you had to eat."

"Why?"

"Because I said so. Up."

Jim turned his head back and glared.

"I said I don't care. Up. Now."

"Fine."

Jim stood, walked over to the table and dropped down into the nearest chair.

"Jim-"

"I said fine."

There was another knock at the door and McCoy glanced over and Spock. Spock arched an eyebrow and went to answer the door. As soon as Spock opened the door Kyle walked and shut the door behind himself. Shoving his way past McCoy, Kyle walked to the table and sat down across from Jim.

"Hey, what's up? You doing okay? I brought junk food."

Jim didn't respond and Kyle shrugged.

"Today sucked. At least it's over. Pike was pretty cool though."

As he talked Kyle began removing things from a bag he had brought with him. McCoy exchanged a look with Spock as Kyle continued the conversation with no input from Jim. Spock shrugged and sat down on the end of the bed watching.

"So what's next? I mean you guys probably have stuff to get back to. Eventually you're going to have to leave. Life goes on I guess." Kyle shrugged and began opening some of the junk food. "Anyway I didn't know what you liked so I just got a little bit of everything."

The running monologue seemed to stun Jim as well as the rest of them. He seemed torn between how to respond and whether or not he should respond. Kyle shoved an open bag of chips at Jim.

"Here try these. I have different ones if you don't like those."

Jim stared at the bag.

"Well come on, try 'em. I need to know if you like them or hate them," Kyle urged.

Jim reached into the bag and pulled a chip out. Kyle grabbed a few chips out of a different bag and ate them. McCoy watched Jim stare at the chip before eating it.

"Good, bad, indifferent? Anyway if chips aren't your thing I have other stuff. Or we could trade chips and you can try these." Kyle shrugged again and switched bags with Jim. "Try these anyway, that way I know which ones you like better."

Jim blinked a few times at the new bag in his hand.

"Well try 'em," Kyle urged.

Jim grabbed a chip and ate it.

"Told you, pretty good. Anyways, pick whichever one you want. I have plenty of extras of pretty much everything."

Kyle set out more various junk food items and McCoy stared in shock as he finally realized what Kyle was doing. Kyle was making sure Jim ate something. Somehow he had known how Jim would feel right now. Of course he would, he had done the same thing yesterday. All Kyle had to do was remember what he felt like yesterday after reliving his past. McCoy could have smacked himself for not thinking of talking to Kyle about this.

"Good, right?"

Jim shrugged.

Anyway, you should try this," Kyle said as he exchanged the bag of chips Jim had for something else.

McCoy reached over and gave a light smack to Spock's arm. Spock looked over to him and McCoy nodded at the door. As Spock raised a questioning eyebrow McCoy shook his head and grabbed Spock's arm. He pulled Spock to his feet.

"If you two are good I need to talk to Spock for a second. Shouldn't take too long. We'll be outside if you need us." He all but pulled Spock along as he made his way to the door. Once outside he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Doctor?"

McCoy glanced over at Spock. "It's okay Spock, Kyle's got this one."

Spock reached for the door knob and McCoy grabbed his arm. "Right now the best thing you can do for Jim is to let Kyle handle this. If he needs anything you'll be right here. Okay?"

Spock glanced down at his arm and McCoy removed his hand from Spock's arm. Settling back against the brick wall Spock crossed his arms.

.

Needing to talk to Pike, McCoy made his way down to the admiral's room. Hopefully Jim was doing better by the time Kyle left. Maybe he should check on Jim after talking with Pike. McCoy knocked on the door and waited. One of the security guards opened the door.

"Yes?"

"I need to talk to Pike."

The man ducked his head back into the room. After a moment he turned back to McCoy. "Okay, come on in," he said moving out of the way.

McCoy walked past him and enter the room. Pike was sitting at the table with paperwork covering most of the top. He glanced up as McCoy entered.

"What can I do for you McCoy?"

"I think we should take Kyle back to San Francisco with us."

"Okay, why?"

"He has no reason to stay, we could ensure he gets the help he needs and I think he's got potential. I think we should take him back with us and let him take the entrance exam. I have a feeling he could do well in Starfleet."

"Have you even asked him if he wants to go back with us?"

"Not yet, I figured I'd talk to you about it first."

\--------

He really wished Dr. McCoy hadn't seen fit to extract both of them. The overflow of emotions from Jim earlier had set Spock's nerves on edge. It probably was better to learn how to cope with situations like this before they were placed back on active duty. He still didn't like it. He had to remind himself that Jim wasn't alone, Kyle was with him. That didn't really make him feel all that much better. It should be me, he thought. He had to stop this. The door opened and Jim poked his head out.

"Hey."

"Hey," Spock greeted.

"Kind of chilly out here. Wanna come back in?"

Spock hesitated.

"Come on Spock. I know you want to."

"I do not wish to intrude."

"I want you to come back in. Besides, we saved you some food, you need to eat too."

Kyle stepped out of the room carrying one of the fast food bags McCoy had brought. "See you later."

"See you," Jim replied.

Spock gave a nod and watched Kyle leave. When he turned back Jim was standing in the doorway watching him. Shaking his head Jim walked out of the room and leaned against the wall with Spock. "Peaceful."

For several minutes they stood watching the stars together.

"Thanks," Jim said quietly.

"For what?"

Jim shrugged. "Everything. Ready to go in yet?"

"If you are."

Jim gave Spock a half smile. "You need to eat. Come on."

\--------

James waited for Spock to enter the room first. He couldn't pinpoint all the specific emotions he felt through the bond. There were just too many and most conflicted with each other. He ran a hand through his hair and shut the door. It seemed like his whole life had been turned upside down. It was hard to remember this was all new territory for Spock as well. They were both still learning. Spock turned and stared for a second before raising an eyebrow. James smiled and shook his head.

"I was just thinking. Don't worry about it. Come on," he said grabbing Spock's hand and dragging him to the table. "You need to eat too."

"Thinking about what?"

"Us. Mainly how this is new to you too. You can't tell what I'm thinking about through the bond?"

"I can tell if you're thinking about me," Spock said quietly.

"I'm almost always thinking about you. Come on, food now, discussion later then sleep."

\--------

Jim bounced slightly on the balls of his feet as they waited for McCoy. Spock watched out of the corner of his eyes and tried not to smile.

"What's taking so long? I'm hungry."

"I'm sure the doctor is not intentionally keeping us waiting."

Jim stilled. "I know."

Spock turned to fully face Jim and cocked his head.

"I'm just really ready to leave, you know. It's like, if I can leave I can put this all behind me and stop thinking about it. At least for a while."

Spock nodded and brushed his hand across Jim's hand. Both of them were fairly private people. While they didn't really care what anyone else thought of their relationship they saw no reason to advertise it either. For that reason, they tended to be fairly reserved when in public. Finally the door opened. The doctor and a very confused looking Kyle exited the room. McCoy didn't look like he got much sleep last night. Actually he looked like he hadn't got any sleep last night.

"Spock, Jim," the doctor greeted tiredly.

"Doctor."

"Bones."

"It seems we're having company for the ride back."

Spock arched and eyebrow.

"Kyle's coming with us to San Francisco," McCoy informed them.

"To stay," Jim asked.

"Possibly," McCoy answered. "We're taking it one day at a time."

"Nice. Wanna get breakfast to celebrate?"

Kyle actually smiled. "Yeah actually, I'm starving."

"Me too. Come on, let's go."

As they followed Jim and Kyle, Spock glanced to McCoy.

"What," the doctor muttered irritably.

"It would appear you did not get much sleep last night."

The doctor sighed heavily. "Nightmares. Considering the amount of time Jim spends at my apartment you think I'd be used to dealing with them by now."

Nightmares, Spock thought confused for a moment. Suddenly he realized McCoy hadn't be talking about Jim's nightmares, he had been talking about Kyle's. Of course Kyle had his own demons from living in that house.

"I never thought Jim would be the 'easy' one," McCoy continued.

"Perhaps you are just more accustomed to dealing with Jim?"

"Yeah, probably." McCoy rubbed a hand over his face. "God, what's wrong with people?"

"Doctor," Spock asked confused.

McCoy shook his head. "Nothing, it's just those people piss me off." McCoy stopped walking and faced Spock. "They did everything they can to break or destroy these children and we're the ones left to pick up the pieces, you know? What the hell is wrong with some people? How could anyone ever treat anyone else that way?"

Spock simply shook his head.

"It's a miracle either of them are still here after living in that house. No matter what those people did to break them, those two survived somehow. Survived things not even an adult should have had to deal with. If I ever get my hands on either of those people..."

"These 'people' as you call them are not people doctor. They're little more than animals who can only get validation by abusing those weaker than themselves."

"Bones?"

Both Spock and McCoy turned at the sound of Jim's voice. Jim and Kyle were already at the dinner waiting on them. Jim watched them with a curious expression, Kyle was doing his best to inspect the ground. However they had survived living in that house Spock was grateful they had survived. Especially Jim. As difficult as everything was right now he wouldn't trade it for anything. He tried to imagine his life without Jim. _No. Not going to think about that._

"We should probably make our way over there doctor."

"Yeah, I know," McCoy said wearily. "Lead on Spock."

The pair made their way across the street and together the four of them entered the diner.


	5. Chapter 5

The trip back went fairly well. The overwhelming tension that had a grip on everyone seemed to ebb away slowly. Even Kyle seemed to be less apprehensive than normal, chatting quietly with Jim almost all the way back. On the way back Spock stood next to McCoy, both lost in their own thoughts as they watched to pair. By the time they made it back both Jim and Kyle looked better than either had in days. Pike headed back to Starfleet Headquarters to update information on the investigation, while the four of them congregated in McCoy's apartment.

\--------

Spock stood, leaning against a wall in McCoy's apartment worrying about what would happen when it was time for the trial. How would Jim's foster parents react when they saw Jim? How would Jim react when he finally saw them for the first time in years? How would _he_ react when _he_ was finally face to face with them? He allowed his rage at them to build. When he felt something at the edges of his thoughts vying for his attention he ignored it. As he nursed his anger the irritating feeling pushed against the edges of his thoughts again, contending for his attention. Completely absorbed in his thoughts he lashed out at the intrusion for interrupting his thinking.

A pained cry from Jim caught Spock's attention. He whipped his head around trying to determine what happened. Sitting on the couch Jim was clutching his head as if he were injured; McCoy and Kyle watched Jim with concern. The doctor reached out trying to get Jim to move his hands away from his head; Jim jerked away from McCoy. _Jim_. Realization hit Spock instantly. Immediately he crossed the short distance between them and dropped down until he was kneeling in front of Jim. He placed both hands lightly along side Jim's hands and tried to comfort him.

"I'm sorry. I was distracted."

Jim jerked away from the embrace and Spock dropped his hands.

"I'm sorry," Spock said quietly. "I did not know it was you."

"What happened," Kyle asked concerned.

Still focused intently on Jim, Spock didn't respond.

McCoy grabbed Spock's arm and yanked it until they were facing each other. Spock growled at the man for keeping him from comforting his mate but resisted the urge to hurt the doctor.

"What did you do? What are you sorry for?"

"Bones," whispered Jim.

All three turned to face Jim.

Jim pulled feet up onto the couch. He wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his head on his knees. "It's... okay."

Remorse filled Spock knowing he was the one who caused his mate's distress.

"The hell it is, kid. What the hell just happened?"

"Nothing. It's fine. Okay?"

"No," Spock said quietly. "It is not okay. I am sorry."

"I shouldn't have pushed. I'm sorry," Jim said still not looking up.

"You did nothing wrong Jim. I should have thought before I reacted."

"I didn't mean to pry. I just wanted to know why you were upset."

"What did you do," McCoy demanded.

"I was too immersed in my own thoughts," Spock stated without taking his eyes off of Jim. "When I felt something distracting me I struck out at it. I am sorry Jim."

Jim merely nodded.

"Struck out how? What did you do to him," McCoy asked angrily.

"Please don't Bones," Jim said quietly. "It was an accident."

"Are you alright kid," McCoy asked.

"Yeah."

"You don't sound alright," McCoy observed skeptically.

Jim finally looked up. The hurt in his eyes made Spock feel even worse.

"I'm fine. Just a little surprised I think."

"Doctor, he will have a very unpleasant headache. Do you have anything you could give him please?"

\--------

McCoy inspected Jim. The fact that Jim wasn't protesting was testament enough to how much his head had to be hurting him. Damn it, what did Spock do? Thankfully he did have hydrocortilene in his medkit. That should help with the headache at least. It was also going to make Jim sleepy and McCoy wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing yet. He was seriously going to have to have a talk with Spock. Later, he decided, when Jim wasn't around. If this happened once it could happen again.

"Hold still," McCoy ordered Jim as he lined up the hypospray and depressed the trigger. "If I find out you hurt him on purpose-"

"He didn't," Jim said absently rubbing at his neck.

"You should get some rest," Spock advised Jim.

"I can't trust you two not to kill each other," Jim stated tiredly.

"I am sure we will be alright while you sleep," Spock assured him.

"Lay down with me. Please?"

McCoy eyed Spock and raised an eyebrow daring the Vulcan.

Spock seemed to get the hint. "I am not sure the doctor would appreciate me sleeping in his bed Jim."

"Dreams," Jim mumbled sleepily. "Stay?"

"Of course," Spock answered. He glanced back to McCoy.

"Damn it," McCoy muttered. "Just this once and only because this is Jim. _Never_ again. You got that?" Spock nodded once and turned back to Jim. Jim was already half asleep. Deciding it was easier just to carry him, Spock reached down and gathered Jim in his arms before making his way to McCoy's bedroom.

"Damned green blooded hobgoblin," McCoy muttered to himself. "If he did any serious damage to Jim... Why the hell did I trust him again?"

"Because he loves Jim?"

McCoy spun around. He had almost forgotten Kyle was here.

"You trust him because he loves Jim," Kyle said quietly. "He wouldn't hurt Jim on purpose."

He had to give Kyle that much, Spock would never hurt Jim on purpose. "It's just that I'm a litle cautious when when it comes to Jim, you know?"

Kyle nodded.

"You can bunk here tonight, we'll see about getting you a place of your own tomorrow."

"Got a spare blanket?"

"Yeah. Since it seems I've been kicked out of my own bed I have to get one for myself anyway. Follow me."

They made their way to the bathroom and he opened the cabinet near the door. "Blankets and extra bunking supplies here. Make sure you put everything up tomorrow. I don't usually eat breakfast so you're going to have talk to Jim about that when he wakes up. I warn you he wakes up pretty early. Extra towels are in the cabinet as well if you want to take a shower. Anything else?"

Kyle shook his head and McCoy left snagging an extra blanket on his way out . One night, he thought to himself; just one night, in his own apartment, in his own bed. Was that too much to ask? Apparently it was, at least for now. He didn't really begrudge Jim the bed, he just didn't like others sleeping in his bed. Like Spock, McCoy scowled. Damned Vulcan.

\--------

Kyle shut the bathroom door quietly and stared at it. Sure the doc was nice enough but doctors always made him nervous. A carry over fear from his foster parents he supposed. As soon as he was sure he would be left alone for a while he took a few deep breaths. Raising his hand he inspected the doctor's handiwork. The pain meds had worn off long ago but he hadn't wanted to ask for more. It wasn't anything he couldn't deal with anyway. The doctor had been quick and efficient, same as every other doctor Kyle had ever seen. This doctor, however, had also taken the time to explain what he was doing and why. 'Bones', Jim called him. He tested the name.

"Bones," Kyle whispered.

He shook his head and dropped his hand. Jim. That was the strangest part of all this, running across someone else who had been raised in that house. Strange but kind of nice. Jim could understand things without Kyle having to say too much. One or two words and Jim knew what Kyle meant. It was nice to be able to talk to someone else who understood. Someone who wouldn't ask questions better left alone.

And then there was Spock. Kyle frowned, he wasn't sure how he felt about Spock. He knew Jim cared about Spock and Spock seemed to care about Jim. That was a little strange to him. Not that Kyle had a problem with their relationship, he just didn't understand it. Kyle shrugged, to each their own. His thoughts drifted back to earlier when Jim had cried out. What _had_ Spock done? Jim had explained some about what bonding was on the trip back. It was and educated guess that whatever happened had been done mentally. _That_ was a little hard to take in as well. How could anyone stand having someone else in their mind? Knowing what you were thinking all the time? Kyle had a much harder time understanding _that_ then anything else about Jim and Spock's relationship.

\--------

James' eyes opened to a very blurry room. Damn he hated mornings. Not that sleeping in was ever an option. He had trained himself to wake up early, sleeping in always got you in trouble. He blinked a few times trying to clear his vision. Not getting any better without any coffee, he finally decided. Yawning he stretched and rolled over onto his side. He ended up face to face with Spock.

"Hey."

Spock didn't respond and James frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"How are you feeling," Spock asked.

Finally the reason for the concern popped back into James' mind. "It was an accident. You didn't hurt me on purpose."

"I don't want to hurt you at all."

"I know. You can't be so hard on yourself."

"I can."

"We're both learning here. You've given me a lot of slack, give yourself some."

"I cannot. Not when it means I hurt you."

James thought for a moment before he finally spoke. "Will you make that mistake again?"

Spock's eyes widened as he shook his head.

"See, you learned something. Cut yourself some slack it was an accident. Accidents happen. As long as we learn from them we'll be alright. Now, breakfast?"

"Everyone else is probably still asleep."

"Yeah, I forgot about that. Maybe we can go out for breakfast today. We'll probably be able to sneak past Bones without waking him up."

"And Kyle."

James glanced at the light coming in through the window. "I slept a little late today, Kyle's probably already awake."

"Late? It's most likely not even seven yet."

"Yep. Come on, let's see if Kyle's up and get some breakfast."

\--------

Since when was waking up before seven considered late, especially if there was nothing you had to be doing until the afternoon? He didn't have a chance to question it as Jim opened the door and peeked out into the living room. Jim turned back with a smile.

"Told you so," Jim whispered moving out of the way as Kyle stepped into the room.

"What's up," Kyle asked as he entered.

"Usually I throw something together here for breakfast but I don't want to wake up Bones. Want to go out and get something for breakfast?"

"What about the doc?"

"He doesn't eat breakfast." Jim shrugged.

"Sure, just let me get my shoes."

Jim nodded and Kyle took off to grab his shoes.

"How early do you normally wake up?"

"Depends on if I was drinking or not the night before."

.

"How did you two meet," Kyle asked between bites.

"We went to the academy together," Jim answered between bites of his own breakfast.

Apparently Jim wasn't the only one that woke up hungry. "You both wake up pretty early," Spock noted.

Kyle snorted and almost choked on his food. When he recovered he shot a look to Jim. Jim just shrugged. "You didn't sleep late when you lived in that house," Kyle informed him without meeting his eyes. "You were up by six or they woke you up. And you really didn't want them to wake you up." Spock frowned at that revelation and glanced to Jim. Jim shrugged and went back to eating his breakfast.

"How long have you two been together," Kyle asked.

"A little more than two weeks," Jim answered.

Kyle gave a noncommittal sound before returning to his food.

"Jim," Spock began. "About your parents..."

Jim glared at him briefly. "Foster parents and can we talk about something else Spock. My foster family isn't really my favorite topic."

Spock could only nod.

\--------

McCoy sat at the kitchen table drumming his fingers on the wood of the table top. Logically he knew Jim had to be fine. Spock wouldn't have let Jim leave if Jim wasn't doing alright. Then again, logically Spock shouldn't have done anything that hurt Jim either. Except that he had. He shook his head. He had to concede it probably was an accident, but if it happened once... The door opened. McCoy stopped tapping his fingers on the table top and waited for the trio to enter.

\--------

James walked into the apartment and stopped. Kyle ran into the back of him but Spock managed to stop in time. A blanket was still draped over the back of the recliner and Bones wasn't in the chair. He scanned the room and found Bones sitting at the dining table. James wasn't sure what to make of the look on Bones' face.

"Hey," James said cautiously as he moved to let the others into the apartment.

"No note," Bones' asked casually.

"I wasn't going to be gone that long."

"Ah," Bones said. "And you didn't think I might be worried."

James furrowed his brow in confusion. Worried? "I was with Spock."

"Who did something that hurt you last night. Something he still hasn't explained."

James caught a twinge of sorrow through the bond. He let it go for now. Walking to the table James sat down directly across from Bones. "Are you mad?"

Bones rubbed a hand over his face. "No. But you should have let me examine you before you left Jim. I don't have any idea what happened and I have no clue if it had any lingering effects."

"Sorry."

"I'm not mad, I was worried. There is a difference Jim."

James nodded.

"How _are_ you feeling?"

"Better."

"You sure? No lingering affects?"

"Not any more. Was a little groggy this morning."

"That's probably the hydrocortilene. No other side effects?"

James shook his head.

"I think we all need to sit down and discuss what happened."

James turned in his chair to face Spock.

"There will be no lasting effects doctor," Spock said quietly.

"I'd still like to know what happened."

"I don't think I can describe it in words," James stated.

"It would be difficult to put into words," Spock agreed. He moved to take a seat. "I can assure you it will not happen again," Spock stated staring intently at James.

James smiled back at Spock in what he hoped was a reassuring way.

"Why did it happen in the first place," Bones asked.

Spock opened his mouth and James cut him off. "Accident," James said hastily.

\--------

Kyle watched the interplay between Jim and Spock. Jim could be covering for Spock hurting him on purpose but Kyle didn't believe that was the case. Years of covering for others himself gave Kyle a unique frame of reference to work from. Opting to stand rather than take the last chair he continued watching the scene unfold from where he was.

\--------

James ran a hand through his hair before he continued. "We haven't been together a month yet, Bones. He's never been bonded before and I never even knew about bonding. We're both bound to make mistakes. Let this go this once. Please?"

The doctor eyed Jim carefully for a long moment.

"If this happens again-"

"It won't," Jim stated promptly.

" _If_ it does, you tell me. Agreed?"

"Agreed. I-" Jim stopped and sat up stiffly in his chair. He cocked his head as if he were listening for something.

"What is it," McCoy asked.

"I'm not sure," Jim said tentatively. It was difficult to describe. It felt like a strange echo effect of what he normally felt from Spock. He wasn't sure what to make of it. He glanced questioningly to Spock.

\--------

"I feel it," Spock confirmed as he stared intently at the door. Unlike Jim, Spock knew the feeling to be another person. The fact that Jim sensed the other person as well set off all kinds of possessive instincts in Spock. After last night his control wasn't doing well as it should and another person who could reach inside his mate's mind was too much right now. He wanted to lash out at it, to attack it for intruding into his mates mind, but curbed the impulse. He had already hurt Jim that way once. He couldn't strike out until he knew more.

Something wasn't right. As the presence drew closer he felt an odd familiarity he couldn't place. When the person neared Spock moved to stand next to the door. He opened it before the other had a chance to knock and froze. Standing there he blink at the other in confusion for long while before the man spoke.

"Greetings." The other Spock gave him a small nod before stepping into the apartment.

"I trust I am not interrupting anything."

He turned to glare at his older self. "Get out of my mate's head," he growled slamming the door shut.

For his part the other Spock actually looked genuinely surprised. Spock continued to glare at his counterpart until he could feel the mental shields firmly in place. Finally he could no longer sense the other's mind. He was over reacting and he knew it. With how angry he already was at himself he couldn't help it right now. He had to get a grip on his emotions, something that was infinitely hard to do when it had anything to do with Jim. Closing his eyes he took a few deep breaths. When he opened his eyes again everyone was staring at him.

"Sorry," he muttered as he dropped his gaze to to floor.

"There is no need apologize. I should have anticipated that you both would be able to sense my approach. I am, for all intents and purposes, you."

The words did help alleviate a little of the residual anger.

"Wait. So I can feel you like I feel him," Jim asked.

"In lieu of a similar situation from which to form a more accurate hypothesis that would seem to be the most logical deduction."

"Why don't I feel you now?"

"Because I have shielded myself in deference to your mate."

"Oh. Spock?"

"Yes."

Spock turned to face his mate.

"Are you upset that I could feel him?"

He deliberated trying to find the most judicious way to answer Jim's question.

"I can feel your emotions, Spock."

"I could block them if it bothers you," he answered looking away. If that's what Jim wanted he would block his emotions no matter how much hurt him to do so.

Dead silence. Unable to take it Spock raised his eyes once again. Jim sat, unmoving, staring at him with an unreadable look.

"I wish to do what makes you more comfortable. I do not wish to block you."

"Then why would you suggest that? You know how hard it is for me to trust people in the first place. Now I have to deal my past thrown out there in front of everyone and now you want to pull away? Go ahead, do whatever you want."

Anger hit him hard through their bond. "I did not mean it that way, Jim."

"Whatever."

"Damn it Jimmy, quit pushing people away," McCoy grumbled.

"I have meetings to get ready for," Jim said as he stood.

"Can we meet for lunch," Spock asked.

"Maybe. We'll see how everything goes."

"What's my plan for today," Kyle asked.

"You're with me," McCoy informed Kyle. "We're going to medical. Gotta check up on your hand and make sure there aren't any other injuries you forgot to tell me about."

"It's fine," Kyle protested.

"Uh huh. Kid I treat Jimmy, I know better."

\--------

Being thousands of miles from everything he knew already made him uneasy. As they made their way to medical several people stopped them and talked briefly with the doctor. Inevitably they would turn to him and introduce themselves. He did his best to be pleasant and make small talk even though he hated talking to new people. Through the conversations he ended up with several fragments of a strange story. As with anyone else on Earth Kyle hadn't escaped hearing anything about the recent attack and Vulcan's subsequent destruction. In the conversations he learned the _Enterprise_ had been the only ship to return from the attack. The loss of life was staggering and he hadn't known any of the people involved. How many of those that died had Jim known?

Despite the interesting story he was slowly piecing together all the conversations with new people were making him antsy. By the time they made it to medical Kyle involuntarily jerked to a stop just short of entering. He couldn't help it, he hated hospitals. 'Bones' turned and watched him but thankfully said nothing. Kyle silently thanked the doctor. Taking a deep breath Kyle straightened and strode into medical. The fact that that the doctor hadn't pushed wasn't lost on Kyle. He's used to Jim, Kyle thought. If anyone was likely to understand the hesitation Kyle supposed it would be the doctor.

\--------

After a step or two McCoy realized Kyle was no longer beside him. Stopping he turned and watched the kid. He opted not to push. Pushing would probably only make this worse. He waited and finally Kyle pulled himself up straight and entered. McCoy didn't say a word about the hesitation, just continued on as if it had never happened. Patience might not be one of his strongest points but he learned to fake it when it was needed.

\--------

"When was the last time you meditated?"

Spock stared at his older self for a moment. "I have been slightly 'distracted' lately," he said carefully.

"That much is apparent. Would you like to discuss what has been distracting you lately?"

"Not in particular."

"Would it have anything to do with an impromptu trip to Iowa?"

"How did-" Spock clamped his mouth shut. He had no idea how much to share about the reasons for the trip nor any idea how much the other Spock knew about Jim's past. He was pretty sure Jim would not appreciate his past being discussed without being consulted. Still, this was a unique situation. The other person was technically Spock himself. The other Spock did have a Jim in his own timeline; perhaps their pasts were similar...

"How much do you know," he asked his counterpart cautiously.

"To what are you referring specifically?"

Spock hesitated unsure how much to reveal just yet.

"As Jim is from Iowa it would only be logical to assume the trip specifically had something to do with him or his past. With you as his mate and the current state of your emotions it would only be logical to assume the reasons for the trip were less than agreeable."

Spock snorted. 'Less than agreeable' was one way to put it. "You could say that," he replied.

"You worry about revealing too much to me?"

"It is not mine to reveal."

"It is obvious that whatever occurred has had an impact on your self-control. Since you are bonded, especially with Jim's inexperience with the Vulcan way, it is important for you to meditate and remained focused. Your emotions can effect your mate especially if your mate is completely unused to suppressing such emotions. As your mate is the captain you cannot afford to allow your emotions to override your logic."

\--------

After examining Kyle's hand the doctor insisted on a full examination to double check there weren't injuries Kyle had 'forgotten' to mention. Kyle tried to insist he was fine but Bones just crossed his arms and stared at him. Persistent, Kyle thought. He dropped his head to keep the doctor from seeing the small smile. He could almost see why Jim liked this man. Maybe _this_ doctor wasn't so bad after all he conceded.

Afterward Kyle sat in the med bay watching the doctor talk to people and inspect various items and reports. He had appropriated the doctor's chair from the desk and was sitting quietly in one corner taking in everything. Not surprisingly he understood most of the technical terms the doctor and his associates used. Researching medicine was an interesting way to pass time as well as useful. Being able to diagnose and treat himself helped keep doctor visits to a minimum. It surprised him to realize just how much his basic research helped him understand.

When Bones would spare the time to explain anything Kyle didn't stop the doctor. It would help confirm what Kyle already knew and give him a chance to see if there was something he missed in his studies. Everything was so interesting he barely recognized how hungry he was until Jim strode in and asked 'Who's hungry'. At that point his stomach let him know just how much it wanted food.

"I'm busy at the moment," Bones informed them. "Take Kyle, he's probably bored and starving by now. And stop by Pike's office, he wants to see you two."

"Got it. Ready for lunch Kyle?"

"Sounds good," Kyle said as he stood.

Jim nodded once and Kyle followed Jim out of the med bay.

\--------

"Sorry I didn't have any time to check in earlier," James told Kyle as they sat down at the table.

"It's fine," Kyle said. "Bones is okay for a doctor."

James smiled at the remark and inspected the menu. "Yeah, Bones is alright. You glad to finally be rescued," he asked.

Kyle shrugged. "I don't know, it was kind of interesting."

James looked up from the menu and stared at Kyle. "Interesting?"

Kyle shrugged again.

"Oh-kay," James drawled. Interesting? He processed this. "So do you know what you want to eat yet?"

Kyle looked down at the menu and back at James.

"Yeah, I'm buying."

Kyle gave a nod before returning to the menu.

After they placed their order, James turned to Kyle and asked, "So, you liked spending time in the med bay?"

"Not as a patient. Afterwards wasn't so bad. Bones seems to be one of the few decent doctors."

"Told you Bones was alright." James paused for a moment. "I could see you being a good doctor too if you ever chose that route," he said casually.

"Maybe," Kyle said noncommittally.

.

They were nearly finished with their meal when James noticed Scotty walk in. Damn it, I knew I forgot something. James put on one of his most charming smiles and waited for the engineer to arrive at the table. As soon as Scotty arrived he sat down in one of the chairs between James and Kyle and placed a PADD on the table.

"Been busy I take it," Scotty asked.

"Yeah sorry, I meant to get back with you. I've just been a little busy today."

"Aye, I'd imagine so," Scotty commented.

James frowned at the remark. "Sorry?"

"I just meant with all the meetings and people that need your time you've probably been pretty busy lately. That's all."

"Um yeah, a little."

"So who's your friend," Scotty asked.

"Scotty this is Kyle, Kyle this is Montgomery Scott, better known as Scotty, chief engineer of the _Enterprise_."

"Hey," Kyle said quietly.

\--------

"Hi," Scotty said to Kyle. "Friend of yours," Scotty asked turning back to the captain.

"You could say that. He's thinking of joining Starfleet. Pike gave me permission to show him around. I've just been a bit busy lately."

"I noticed. I need your signature for a few repairs and some changes."

"Do you have the orders with you?"

"Aye," Scotty confirmed as he picked the PADD back up and handed it over.

The captain skimmed the orders and signed the necessary documents.

"Hey Scotty could you do me a huge favor?"

"What do you need?"

"I'm going to be busy for most of today. Could you give Kyle a tour of the _Enterprise_ for me?"

Scotty eyed Kyle. Perhaps he could get some information if he spent some time with the new arrival. "Sure, I have a little time before I need to get to anything important."

"Thanks, Scotty. Just take him back to the med bay when you're finished. Bones should be there," Kirk said handing the PADD back. "I have to get to another meeting so I should get going. I'll take care of the check on the way out."

Scotty nodded and watched the captain leave. After he was gone Scotty turned back and inspected Kyle. Kyle, at least now they had a first name to work with.

.

"And here's the med bay," Scotty told Kyle.

"Thanks, I think I'm good now."

"You've already seen the med bay," Scotty asked.

"Yeah, I was here when Jim picked me up for lunch."

Bones exited his office and made his way over to Kyle and Scotty.

"Med bay was the first place they showed you?"

"Um..."

Before Kyle had to come up with a reason for his stint in med bay this morning Bones jumped in.

"There was a small accident and I wanted to check up on the injury."

"Ah. Well Jim said drop Kyle with you after the tour and I have a few things I need to check on in Engineering."

"Thanks Scotty I have it from here."

"You sure?"

"Yep thanks for everything."

"No problem."

\--------

"You ready to see your apartment?"

"My apartment?"

"Yeah. I told you we were getting you one."

"I don't have a way to pay for it."

"Pike's covering it." McCoy frowned. "You haven't talked to Pike yet have you?"

"No."

"Damn it Jimmy," Bones muttered.

"Doctor?"

"Don't worry about it. Just expect a visit from Pike later. After I show you where your apartment is I have to meet up with the medical screening personnel. You going to be good on your own for a while?"

Kyle shrugged. "I'm used to it."

"I can talk to Jim or Spock and see if one of them could stop by if you like."

"Don't worry about it. I don't want to interrupt anything. I'll be fine."

"I'll get you a communicator just in case. Ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

\--------

"Guess what I just got through doing," Scotty asked the other three already present when he entered his quarters.

"Keeping up with your schedule, overseeing repairs in your department and making all your meetings with Starfleet Command while continuing research on why our captain, first officer, chief medical officer and Admiral Pike made a random trip to Iowa without getting caught while doing so? The same as the rest of us," Uhura asked.

Scotty rolled his eyes at the remark. "Funny. Actually I just got through giving the captain's brother a tour of the _Enterprise_."

"But Kirk doesn't have a brother," Sulu stated.

"Exactly," Scotty agreed. "Or does he?"

"He was an only child when his parents died. There's no way he could have a brother Scotty," Uhura chimed in.

"Not biologically no. But he was raised in the foster system wasn't he? What if the people that raised him also fostered other children. Technically speaking they would be foster brothers wouldn't they?"

" _Did_ they foster any other children," Uhura asked.

"I don't know," Scotty admitted. He dropped into one of the chairs in his quarters.

"Can you not check," Chekov asked.

"No."

"Why not," Sulu asked.

"I already tried that. I can't find any records of the captain's foster parents. It's as if they disappeared and it's not just their records. All records of the captain from the time he spent in the foster system are also gone."

"You can't just erase things like that," Uhura said with a frown. "It'd still be cyber space."

"Aye, you'd think so."

"So what does this mean," Sulu asked.

"It means the records still exist and someone is going to great lengths to hide them from us," Uhura informed Sulu.

"Aye," Scotty agreed. "And it gets stranger. I researched the man the captain asked me to give a tour to. According to my research he doesn't even exist."

"How is that even possible," Sulu asked.

"There are ways," Uhura stated. "The problem is his presence here. Starfleet would have done an extensive background check. If they couldn't access any records of him they wouldn't have granted him leave to be here."

"Which means," Chekov asked.

"Which means someone in Starfleet knows who he is. If they didn't, when he first showed up they would have investigated him further or sent him packing," Sulu answered.

"Aye," Scotty agreed.

"So you're assuming the missing records from Kirk's past in the foster system are linked to the new guy's missing records," Uhura asked.

"Unless you have a better theory," Scotty stated.

"It's dangerous to assume things without any facts," Uhura mused.

"Yeah, but look at the facts," Sulu interjected. "Three senior officers and the admiral in their direct chain of command make a random trip to a state where the captain grew up. They return with another person. All records from a large portion of the captain's life and all of them from the new person's life are being blocked from access. Combine that with Kirk leaving his comm. here, Spock turning his off and the doctor's comm. being blocked against people trying to track it."

\--------

As the people filed into the room McCoy stopped Ryland. "Wait here for a minute Elliot," McCoy said as he held an arm out to bar the man from entering. Ryland shot him a look of annoyance but stayed where he was. McCoy was already angry at the man. The attitude wasn't helping matters. When the last of the crowd entered he turned to the commander. "Follow me please." McCoy made his way to the front of the room with Ryland following. He inspected assembled personnel.

"Okay everyone, listen up. In light of recent events Starfleet decided the medical screening department needed a reminder of what their job really is." He picked the file up off of the desk and handed it to Ryland. McCoy specifically picked Elliot Ryland for this demonstration because it had been him who had 'reviewed' Jim's file initially.

"Commander can you give me a brief analysis of this file?"

Ryland took the file and glared at McCoy. McCoy fought against the urge to punch the man.

Finally Ryland glanced down at the file briefly before looking back up. "Human male between the ages of eighteen to twenty two."

"That's it?"

"What is it you want from me _Lieutenant_?"

"That's Lieutenant _Commander_ actually. If you can't remember what the ranks are perhaps we have bigger problems here then I thought."

"What's this about _Lieutenant_ Commander?"

"It's about certain people in Starfleet being pissed off that the medical screening department can't or won't do their job."

"And why would they send _you_ to do anything about it," Ryland asked.

"Maybe because I caught _your_ mistake," McCoy growled. "Now, _analyze_ the file."

"Or what? You'll kick me out of class? Send me to the principal?"

"He won't have to," said a new voice. "You already have an appointment."

Everyone turned to the doorway.

Pike walked over to the desk and looked to McCoy. "I take it he's the one that inspected the original file?"

McCoy gave one sharp nod still glaring over Pike's shoulder at Ryland.

Pike looked over to Ryland. "May I see the file?"

Ryland handed it over without a word still glaring back at McCoy.

Pike inspected the file. "I find it interesting that you inspect this file and all you can determine is that the subject is a human male." Pike handed the file back to Ryland. "Care to try again?"

Ryland finally turned to Pike. "Sir?"

"I want you to analyze the file again. What part of that aren't you understanding, _Commander_?"

"Uh, yes sir." Ryland reinspected the file. "Multiple broken bones and fractures... Previous head trauma, probable concussions... scars and damage to muscle tissue consistent with cuts or stabs that weren't treated."

"I see," Pike said. "And?"

"And what, sir? I'm not sure what you are asking for here."

Pike shook his head and reached out a hand. Ryland handed the file back. Pike walked down to the front row of the people assembled. He stopped in front of a woman in the front row and placed the file down on her desk.

"Analyze this," he ordered.

After a slight hesitation the woman picked up the file and studied it.

"I agree with the initial assessment. I would also add evidence of untreated burns. If I had to form a guess I would say high probability of many years of child abuse."

"Why would you say that Lieutenant?"

"Judging by the calcium build up on some of the breaks many of these occurred when this person was a child. I'd say for some of them the person couldn't have been more than nine or ten. Possibly younger. Sir?"

"Yes Lieutenant?"

"This a real file isn't it?"

"Real?"

"I mean, it's wasn't created just to test us was it?"

"No."

"But how could anyone do that to a child?"

"I understand your concern but that's not what we're here to discuss today."

"Yes sir."

"Based on your analysis, what's your next course of action?"

"Flag the file, alert Starfleet command so that the proper steps can be taken."

"Why?"

"Because anyone who went through... through... that, would probably require therapy."

"I see." Pike held out his hand and the woman handed the file over. "Thank you for your assistance," Pike told her before returning to the front of the room. He handed the file back to McCoy. "Dr. McCoy, thank you for allowing me to step in for a moment. Please continue." He turned back to Ryland, "My office. Now."

\--------

James ran a hand through his hair and dragged the hand down over his face before looking back into the mirror. Frowning slightly at his reflection he quickly fixed the damage he had done to his hair. You're sabotaging yourself again, he told himself. For once things were starting to look up and he couldn't help waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sooner or later he was going to screw up and Spock would leave; better to accept it early on and be prepared for when it happened. _And who's fault will it be_ , his mind asked. Shut up, he yelled at the thought.

His mind drifted back to last night; he had known better than to pry. He had his own issues he didn't want anyone else prying into. When he felt the anger radiating off of Spock he hadn't been able to help himself. Personal insecurities kept insisting it was something he had done that was upsetting Spock. Unable to help himself he had snooped even though he knew better. The backlash of pain he received for his efforts last night was little more than he deserved for prying. Damn it, he needed a good fight and a drink or five.

\--------

As the door chimed the four people in the room looked around at each other.

"Expecting someone," Uhura asked.

"Not that I know of," Scotty told her.

The door chimed again.

"You should answer it," Sulu spoke up. "If they know you're here and you don't answer people could start asking questions."

"Shut everything down. I'll try to get rid of them as quickly as possible," Scotty told them as he left to answer the door.

The door chimed once again just before he opened it. Two security guards and Admiral Pike stood just outside. As soon as the door was open Pike walked in. The two guards followed and the doors slid shut behind the group.

"What can I do for you Admiral?"

"You can tell the other three to come out. I already know they're here," Pike stated.

"Uh, yeah... Be right back." Scotty headed for the bedroom. As he entered three expectant faces looked up at him. "It's Admiral Pike. He wants everyone in the front room."

The four of them made there way back to the living room. Pike watched them all as they filed into the room. The security guards didn't pay any of them any attention. Scotty, Chekov, Uhura and Sulu walked over to Pike and waited.

"You four need to stop. Now."

"Um, stop what," Scotty asked. He had a horrible feeling he already knew what Pike was talking about.

"You know what I mean. Stop poking into things you don't need to know about. None of this is any of your business."

Scotty searched for a way to deny what Pike already seemed to know.

"How can it not be, sir," Uhura interrupted. "When our captain, first officer and chief medical officer disappear without a word and are accompanied later by an admiral. If something is going on that concerns almost half of the command crew of our ship then I think it becomes our concern." Uhura crossed her arms raised an eyebrow. "Sir."

"What is going on does not concern the captain, the first officer and the CMO. This has nothing to do with Starfleet, the _Enterprise_ or you four. It concerns Kirk, Spock and McCoy, _not_ as Starfleet _officers_ but as _individuals_." Pike raised an eyebrow. "Lieutenant."

"Individuals we serve with on the same ship," Uhura countered.

"Do I have to order you to back off of this?"

"You could tell us what's going on and we wouldn't have to continue searching."

"It's none of your business what's going on. You four are interfering in things you need to stay out of. You will drop this. Now. You will stop all searches and keep whatever it is you _think_ you know to yourselves. You will not say one word about anything to anyone. Do I make myself clear?"

"If something's going on-"

"It doesn't concern any of you. If you four don't stop prying into this I will have you all charged and court martialed. Do I make myself clear."

Uhura opened her mouth again but Sulu cut her off before she could speak.

"Perfectly," Sulu said.

"Sir," Chekov interrupted.

"Yes?"

"May we at least talk to them about this?"

"You mean Kirk, Spock and McCoy?"

"Yes."

"I don't recommend that right now."

"Acknowledged."

"I understand where you four are coming from but you're just going to have to trust me for now. It doesn't concern you."

\--------

Spock's eyes shot open. Something is wrong. He winced against the pain as he brought a hand up to his jaw. Another explosion of pain hit, causing him to wince again. Blinking rapidly he tried to understand what was happening. As the anger began filling him Spock reflexively tried to suppress the emotion before he realized something. It wasn't originating from him. Jim. Someone was hurting his mate.

\--------

"McCoy," the doctor answered.

_"Do you know a James Kirk?"_

McCoy narrowed his eyes and glared at the comm. before answering. "I do."

_"And you're still his emergency contact?"_

"What happened," he asked instantly concerned.

_"Can you come down here? I think we should discuss this in person."_

"How bad's he injured?"

_"I'd rather discuss this in person."_

"And I'd rather know what I need to bring so I can treat him adequately."

\--------

Owww... Jesus everything hurt. Someone was saying something but his head was still too fuzzy to make out the words. James tried to turn towards the voice but hands held him in place. His vision was clearing but it was slow. I should know that voice, he thought. More words he still couldn't make out. He tried to the turn his head to the voice again but someone held his head still. Pressure against his jaw caused the pain to spike. In that moment there was nothing but blinding white light and pain. James was transported back to when he was a child.

*-*-*-*-*

"Don't move yet Jimmy."

"Please," James pled.

McCoy frowned as he continued trying to keep Jim from aggravating any potential injuries. Something's not right.

"You need to stay still right now, Jimmy."

Jim blinked at him several times. He seemed to be having a lot of trouble focusing but something else was nagging McCoy. "Please," Jim whispered. Jim brought his hands up and started trying to shove McCoy's hands off.

"Damn it stay still," McCoy ordered Jim.

Jim of course, ignored him.

Suddenly McCoy realized what was going on.

Damn it. McCoy hit Jim with a sedative. He wanted to keep him still for the moment but he also want to keep anyone else from hearing things Jim wouldn't want shared. He had been avoiding sedating Jim for as long as he could but couldn't risk waiting any longer. Couldn't risk any further injuries until he knew exactly what he was working with. He also didn't want to take the chance Jim might say something he might regret later. The hypo hissed and within minutes James finally stilled. There was a commotion outside of the room and everyone glanced to the monitors. Spock... Damn it! I should have known. Security moved to subdue the new disturbance.

"Wait," McCoy called to them. "He's looking for him," McCoy told them. "Let me talk to him. I can get him back here without using force. When I bring him back here no one stop him. No one make any moves toward him or Jim. Just follow my lead."

The last thing he needed was more people to treat. The security guards _might_ be able to subdue Spock but it would cost them heavily.

\--------

Jim was close but he was unable to distinguish anything more definite beyond that. Using the bond to track his mate was like an aggravating game of 'hot and cold'. Suddenly intense pain shot through his jaw and his vision blurred for a moment. The second his vision began to clear he was hit with a strong sense of fear and panic through the bond. The urge to find his mate intensified.

"Spock."

Before he even gave it a thought Spock had crossed the floor, grabbed the doctor and lifted him a foot off the ground. "Jim. Now."

"Damn it Spock, I can't take you to him if you don't put me down."

Instantly Spock released him. When the doctor hit the ground and almost fell Spock grabbed McCoy's shoulder. "Jim," he ordered.

"Yeah, yeah. Follow me," McCoy said as he turned to lead the way.

"How is he," Spock asked as he followed.

"Sedated," McCoy answered as they continued.

Spock let out a low growl.

"He should be fine but I wanted to check him out before he moved too much."

"He despises being sedated."

"I know," McCoy answered as they stopped at a door. "He should be fine Spock. It's just a precaution."

"Doctor, if you do not take me to him immediately-"

"I know, I know. I just wanted to let you know he would be fine despite what how it might look."

"Doctor," Spock growled growing more impatient by the second.

McCoy opened the door and stepped aside. Spock rushed into the room and was halfway to Jim when he stopped short. For a while his brain refused to accept what it was seeing. As he assessed the damage anger filled him once again. _This time_ the anger was most definitely his. Spock spun back to the doctor.

"Where are they," he demanded.

"Later Spock."

"No. You will take me to them."

"Right now Jim needs you more. Do you really want to leave him while he's like this," McCoy asked quietly.

Spock jerked his head back to check on Jim again. Torn between taking care of his mate and going after those who had hurt him Spock growled in frustration. No, he didn't want to leave Jim alone when he was like this but he did want to kill those who had hurt his mate. Jim needed him. In the end that's what decided it. He couldn't leave his mate alone in this condition. He could always go after the others later. As he made his way to Jim one of the other people in the room stepped in front of him.

"Now wait a minute," the man began.

Spock reached out and shoved the man aside without slowing his pace.

\--------

The security guard moved to intercept Spock again and McCoy grabbed the man's arm.

"I told you to follow my lead." Bones hissed. "Idiots," he muttered under his breath as he quickly followed Spock. He was careful not to stand too closely as he approached.

"How long until he wakes up doctor," one of the security guards asked.

"At least an hour or so," McCoy answered without looking back. "Spock," McCoy said quietly before attempting to approach any closer.

Spock stalked forward and grabbed the front of the doctor's uniform. "Why have you not treated him?"

"I arrived just before you. I had to make a choice, treat him or get you," McCoy stated calmly.

"You will treat him now," Spock commanded.

"I will if you'll let me go and move so I can get close enough."

\--------

It was difficult to allow anyone near his mate while Jim was injured, especially without knowing what had happened. As uneasy as it made him feel it was necessary. If he was going to allow anyone to treat Jim, McCoy was probably the one person he trusted the most. Moving aside slightly he allowed the doctor space to get closer to Jim and treat him. Warily Spock eyed the rest of the people in the room. He didn't trust any of them, especially the one that had tried to keep him from getting to Jim.

"What happened?"

"He and four others got into it. We had to break up the fight.

"Why did you not stop the fight before he was injured this badly," he growled at the group.

"The fight didn't start in the bar, it started just behind it. One of the people passing by stopped in and informed us about the fight. By the time we showed up he was already pretty bad. We stunned the whole group to stop the fight."

"You stunned him after they beat him?"

"We stunned the whole group. It was the quickest and safest way to stop the fight."

"Then you have the others here as well. You will take me to them."

"They've already given their statements. They're no longer here."

"You released them and kept Jim?"

"We didn't release them we just removed them from the scene. We're still holding them until we get his statement as well."

"Spock," McCoy called out.

Spock growled at the doctor's interruption. "What?"

"I've finished examining him."

Spock turned back to face the doctor. "How is he?"

"Bruising to his knuckles, soft tissue damage in his throat, two broken fingers, three broken ribs, dislocated knee and a fractured jaw. I need to get him back to Medical to treat him."

Spock reached down and quickly but carefully lifted Jim. With a nod to the doctor Spock turned and started to leave. A security officer moved to stop them.

"Hey wait a minute. We haven't gotten his statement yet."

"He's been sedated. He's not even going to be awake for at least another hour. Your statement can wait. His injuries can't. Since I'm his personal physician, I'm taking him back for treatment. Deal with it." McCoy shoved the officer out of the way.

\--------

When the security from the bar insisted on sending someone to wait for Jim to wake up and give a statement McCoy agreed. He already had a plan for ditching the man. Spock, however, began objecting. McCoy had to ask the security personnel to give them space so that he could explain the plan to Spock before the Vulcan would calm down. Instead of taking Jim to Medical McCoy decided to take Jim to the med bay on the _Enterprise_. That way he could be sure they wouldn't be disturbed. When they got to the first security checkpoint he made sure the guards would keep the other man from following.

"I'm going to have to sedate him more."

"No."

"When he wakes up he's going to want to leave. I can't allow that until I'm sure his injuries are healed enough by then. It's not like I want to sedate him, I just can't trust him to take care of himself. You know I'm right."

McCoy watched Spock weighing the pros and cons. When Spock finally gave a nod McCoy stuck Jim with the hypo before Spock could change his mind. He wanted to make sure the injuries would be healed enough Jim couldn't cause further damage to them when he insisted on being allowed to leave. Given a choice the doctor would rather not sedate Jim further. It meant waiting longer to check things he needed Jim awake for.

Spock refused to let go of Jim's left hand. As much as he would have preferred the space McCoy knew better than to try to get Spock to back away. If the wounds were more serious or he absolutely needed the room he might have tried to get Spock to back off but thankfully there was no need for that. When he finished healing everything as much as he could McCoy took a moment to inspect his friend.

There was no telling what sparked this latest incident in the long line of self-destructive behavior but McCoy could guess. Iowa, Jim's foster parents, meeting another victim of those people, giving a statement, trying to appear 'unscathed' by everything... Take your pick. McCoy shook his head and headed for his office. If anything happened he had complete faith Spock would notify him. Still, he left the door open as he entered his office and dropped into his chair.

\--------

James opened his eyes and immediately winced. Damn those lights are bright. Where the hell am I? He squinted against the lights trying to make out his surroundings. Everything was just too blurry. Slowly his eyes began adjusting to the lighting. Lighting, not the sun. The last thing he remembered was getting into a fight with four people behind some bar. He was indoors at least, indoors was good. James frowned. Unless he had been arrested. He shifted his head to the side trying to take in more of his surroundings.

"Spock?" His voice came out as barely more than a whisper. He swallowed and tried again. His voice was slightly louder and a little more steady this time. "Spock?"

\--------

Spock's head shot up as he blinked several times trying to force himself awake. Jim was awake and facing him. Without speaking he reached out and latched onto Jim. How had he let himself fall asleep? He should have been awake when Jim woke up. Spock cursed himself as he held Jim.

"Where am I?"

"Med bay on the _Enterprise_ ," Spock told him.

"Bones?"

Spock growled. The first person his mate was asking for when he woke up was the doctor?

"Have you," Jim whispered.

Spock sat back and stared at Jim. "What?"

"Don't have to ask. Have you Spock."

The anger faded a little. "Sorry."

Jim smiled softly.

"I will get the doctor in a minute. For now..."

Jim nodded.

Spock leaned back down carefully placing his head on Jim's uninjured shoulder as he held him. It took a while before Spock was able to finally let go. When he finally did let go of Jim and sit back Jim was still smiling.

"How are you feeling?"

Instead of answering in words Jim sent any pain or discomfort through the bond. The reason for Jim not answering verbally was immediately clear when Spock realized how much Jim's throat still bothered him. Spock winced in sympathy when Jim finally finished transferring all of the discomfort.

"I will get the doctor," he told Jim as he started to stand. Jim grabbed Spock's wrist and Spock froze.

"Love you."

"I love you too," Spock told Jim as well as sending the love the the bond. Jim smiled and finally let go of Spock. With a nod Spock turned to head for McCoy's office. Before he had gone more than three steps the doctor stepped out of his office and yawned.

"He is awake," Spock informed the doctor.

McCoy nodded and made his way over.

\--------

He was not looking forward to making this call. Sarek had bonded with a human himself. It was possible his father would understand but it was also possible his father might disapprove. It does not matter, Spock thought. Jim was his mate and Sarek would accept it or not. His mother would have been happy for them but Spock could not guess what his father's reaction might be. No reason to put it off any longer than needed. He placed the video call to his father and waited for Sarek to answer.

_"Greetings Spock."_

"Greetings father."

_"It is surprising to hear from you so soon."_

"I have news I wish to relate."

_"What type of news?"_

Spock hesitated. He was unsure how his father might take this information. Vulcan's were logical people. While same gender relationships were not frowned at on morality grounds they were still looked down upon. Mainly because they served no logical purpose. It does not matter how he takes this, Spock reminded himself. This is my life not his. My mate, not his. Spock's thoughts drifted to his mother.

_"Spock?"_

"I would like to inform you that I am in a relationship with Jim."

Sarek frowned. _"Jim Kirk?"_

"Yes father."

_"Your captain?"_

"Yes."

_"I see."_

"You have no other comment?"

_"Your relationships are your own. I would ask if it is wise to enter into a relationship with a superior officer."_

"Wise or not it is my choice."

_"Indeed. You have always been strong willed."_

"Mother would have called it determined."

_"She would have indeed."_

"How are you faring?"

_"I am well considering all that has happened. Spock?"_

"Yes father?"

_"I would like to remind you there are precious few Vulcans left."_

"I am aware of this."

_"Would it not better serve the race for you to find a Vulcan to mate and eventually bond with?"_

"I am already bonded father."

_"With Jim?"_

Spock straightened. "Yes father."

_"I see."_

"I did not call to ask for your approval, only to inform you," Spock stated stiffly.

Surprisingly, Sarek smiled. _"At this point my approval or disapproval would make little difference. If you two are already bonded nothing I could do or say that would change that."_

"You are not upset?"

_"That you are in love?"_

"That I bonded with a human male."

_"We cannot chose who we bond with Spock. You know that. I am surprised, especially considering it is Jim Kirk, but I am not upset. We lost our planet and most of our people. I lost my mate and you lost your mother. How could I begrudge you finding your love?"_

"There are others who would not see it the same."

_"Most of them have never been bonded. You forget Spock, I bonded with a human myself."_

"Yes but mother was a female."

_"When I bonded with her, her being human made no difference to me. Others did not approve but it was your mother I was bonded with, not them. Do you understand?"_

Spock could only nod.

_"Will you be coming to New Vulcan for a bonding ceremony?"_

"Things are... busy at the moment."

_"You cannot spare a few days?"_

"Not at the moment. There are things that require our attention here."

Sarek eyed him carefully. _"There are things you are not telling me."_

"There are things I cannot tell you."

_"These things pertain to your mate?"_

"They do."

_"Understood."_

"Thank you father."

_"Perhaps when things get resolved you will both have time to visit. I would like to get to know your mate better."_

"Perhaps when things are resolved."

_"Until then."_

"Goodbye father."

\--------

"You really should rest more."

"I have things to do, I don't have time to sit around doing nothing."

"If you're that concerned maybe you should stop trying to get yourself killed. One of these days you're going to succeed you know."

"I was just a disagreement Bones. You're making a big deal out of nothing."

"It's never 'just' a disagreement with you. You're punishing yourself."

"Whatever, I have things to do."

"Agreed. First you have a statement to give."

James stopped halfway to the door. Turning, he eyed the doctor carefully. "I've already given my statement."

"Not that statement. The security officers that broke up the fight need a statement from you."

James breathed a sigh of relief. _That_ statement. "I'll take care of it."

"You're going to have to talk to Pike about that."

"Why," James asked suspiciously.

"I had to sedate you."

"I know. You told me about that."

"Not in the bar Jimmy. When we got back here I sedated you again."

"Why?"

"Because I know you. I couldn't trust you to take care of yourself. The bar's security got angry it was taking so long so they contacted Starfleet HQ who contacted Pike."

Damn it! Explaining this to Pike was the last thing he wanted to do right now. "I'll take care of it," he told Bones as he started to leave again.

"What happened this time?"

James stopped walking and stared at the door a few feet in front of him. "I don't want to talk about it," he said quietly.

"I'm not asking for you to bear your soul. I just think we should talk about this; just this one thing for now. Please Jimmy."

James remained silent.

"If you don't start dealing with this eventually it's going to affect your relationship with Spock. He cares about you. Eventually he's going to start asking questions. You can't avoid them forever."

James slid his eyelids shut. He had tried so hard not to think about his past. He definitely didn't want to discuss it. The problem was Bones was right. If he didn't do something he was going to end up pushing Spock away. Yeah, it would happen eventually but if he could do something to stop it from happening sooner... James opened his eyes and turned to face Bones.

"I'll try," he said softly.

"My office," Bones offered.

James nodded.

\--------

McCoy started to sit in his desk chair and Jim stopped him.

"Can I sit there?"

"Okay," McCoy acquiesced slightly confused.

"I want to be able to see out the window in case Spock comes back early," Jim explained.

"Won't you feel him if he gets close?"

"Not if he blocks me," Jim said quietly.

"He promised he wouldn't do that Jimmy."

Jim pressed his lips together and didn't respond.

McCoy bit his bottom lip. "Sit wherever you feel comfortable," McCoy said as he snagged the other chair from the corner of his office and moved it closer. Usually he left it in the corner with things piled in it to discourage other people from stopping in for a chat. He placed all the extraneous items in the chair on the nearest flat surface and sat down.

.

_"Dr. McCoy?"_

"Admiral? What can I do for you?"

_"Is Jim with you?"_

McCoy glanced over to Jim. "Yes."

_"I need you both to come to my office and please bring Kyle."_

"Should we find Spock?"

_"He's already here. I need you three as soon as you can get here please."_

"On our way. McCoy out."

Neither said a word on the way to get Kyle. Nothing needed to be said. There was only one reason Pike would want all to see all four of them. It was something that had to deal with the case.


	6. Chapter 6

As the three of them entered Spock immediately turned and eyed Jim. Jim ducked his head and turned to face the admiral. Damn it kid, McCoy thought. You're going to have to talk to him about this sooner or later. McCoy caught Spock staring at him and shook his head slightly at the Vulcan. They could discuss this later.

"I have information for you four. The Pattersons have pled guilty. The judge is inclined to take the plea unless 'Starfleet' chooses to push for a trial. In this case 'Starfleet' means you two," Pike said nodding at Jim and Kyle.

Kyle and Jim shared a look.

"Wait, we don't have to go to trial," Kyle asked turning back to Pike.

"Not if you don't want to."

"What does it mean? I mean, what happens if we don't push for a trial?"

"The sentencing is more lenient. I won't bore you with the break-down of time for each of the charges individually. The end result would be about fifteen years in a correctional facility, no contact with anyone under eighteen and they would have to register anywhere they moved to after they get out."

"And if we go to trial," Jim asked.

"About the same but with the possibility of changing the time on one charge from four years to twenty."

"So instead of fifteen they could get thirty one," Kyle asked.

"Possibly. That's the highest they could be sentenced to. It doesn't mean that's what the jury would recommend. I realize you two are going to need time to think about this but I do need an answer soon."

"Thirty one years? That's the best they can do," Spock asked.

"That's the max the law allows for. That doesn't mean the jury would even recommend it. The law is the law Spock. I can't change it."

"You know what they've been through!"

"I do indeed. If I had my way those two would be taken out and shot, but that's not an option."

"After every thing they went through that's the best they can hope for? Jim could be dead because of those two!"

"Spock."

Jim's didn't raise his voice but he didn't have to. Spock stilled and turned to Jim.

"Stop. Please."

McCoy watched as Jim and Spock stared at each other. For a while nothing changed then, subtly, Spock seemed to relax slightly. Spock gave a small nod to Jim and Jim cocked his head. Spock gave another small nod and Jim returned the nod. McCoy shook his head.

Jim turned back to Pike. "How long do we have?"

"The best I could do is two hours."

This time it was his turn to be outraged. "Two hours? How the hell are they supposed to make a decision like that in two hours," McCoy demanded.

"The judge wanted an answer immediately. I had to pull strings just to get them those two hours. If I could have gotten more, believe me, I would have."

"That's great, just great. They get to abuse these kids for years and _they_ get two hours to decide something like this?"

"Bones! Stop! I can't do this." Jim shook his head. "You can't... I need... Damn it Bones, just... stop!"

McCoy stared at Jim in shock. Finally Jim shook his head and turned away. Slowly McCoy inspected the others in the room. Pike was just staring at him, Spock was glowering at him and Kyle had backed away and looked like he was ready to run. _Damn it!_

"I'm sorry Jimmy."

Jim refused to respond.

"I apologize to you too Kyle. I didn't mean for it to come out like that."

Kyle's eyes darted to Jim.

Of course. He doesn't know me well enough, he's going to defer to Jim.

"Jimmy?"

Jim didn't turn around. "I just... need..."

"Time to think about things?"

"Yeah."

"I _am_ sorry."

"Later... Please?"

"Yeah, take as much time as you need."

"Kyle," Jim questioned.

"Yeah?"

McCoy winced at the fear he heard in the kids voice.

"It's okay. Bones is just... Bones. You know?"

"If you say so..."

Jim shook his head and looked to Pike. "Can we use your office?"

"Yeah, I was already going to suggest that," Pike informed them. "Everyone else out, now."

"Jim," Spock said questioningly.

"I'm fine Spock. I just need some space for this. Okay?"

"Are you sure?"

"I'll be fine."

"If you are sure."

"I am. And Spock?"

"Yes?"

"Don't be mad at Bones. Please?"

McCoy glanced over to Spock. Spock turned and scowled at McCoy.

"Spock."

"I will try."

"For me," Jim asked.

"For you," Spock answered.

.

The three of them made their way out of the office. Pike dismissed the secretary, walked over to one of the chairs and sat down. Spock stood in front of the door almost like he was guarding it. Hell, maybe he was. McCoy rubbed his face briskly with his hands and leaned against the wall. Spock shifted his eyes to watch him. McCoy turned to face Spock more directly.

"I owe you an apology as well."

"Why was Jim upset when he arrived?"

McCoy blinked at the question.

"We are bonded doctor. I feel my mate's emotions. Why was he already upset?"

"You would really have to ask Jim that question."

"I am asking you."

"And I am telling you I can't answer that Spock. I already fucked up once today. I am not compounding that by telling anyone anything that was told to me in confidence. So I'm telling you... Ask. Jim."

"Enough! Both of you, no talking until those two are done," Pike ordered.

.

After about an hour Jim opened the door and asked Pike to join them for a moment.

"Spock," McCoy began.

Spock ignored him.

"Whether you believe it or not I am sorry I upset Jim further."

" _Why_ was he upset when he arrived?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Then we have nothing to discuss."

"Damn it Spock, I refuse to break Jim's confidence. I would think _you_ of all people would understand that."

"Right now, doctor, all I understand is my mate is upset. Perhaps I am over-reacting. I am unable to help it at the moment. If there is a valid reason then I am sorry but right now I cannot accept not knowing why."

"Understood."

Neither spoke again. After about forty minutes Pike opened the door and stood back allowing McCoy and Spock to enter. Spock entered first. McCoy hesitated at the doorway before finally entering. Kyle was sitting in Pike's chair spinning in slow circles while staring at the ground. Jim was standing just beside Kyle watching the rest of them enter. McCoy met Jim's eyes and Jim gave a small forced smile. McCoy bit his bottom lip.

\--------

Without a word the four of them made their way back to McCoy's apartment. It seemed as if the apartment had been designated the unofficial 'regroup' location. McCoy took his recliner as Spock sat on the couch. Kyle leaned against the wall dividing the kitchen from the living room. James took a seat on the far end of the couch. He didn't feel like being around anyone right now but he also really didn't want to be alone.

He blamed himself for the anger he felt radiating off of Spock. James was pretty sure the anger was directed at Bones but he still felt responsible. If he could have held it together through Bones' outburst in Pike's office maybe Spock wouldn't be this mad at Bones. He had to find a way to fix this, but he couldn't think straight right now. First the conversation with Bones in med bay, then dealing with Spock's anger in Pike's office, then McCoy's, then reassuring Kyle... Everything was just getting too hard to deal with. He needed some time to deal with his own emotions. James caught Spock watching him and turned to face him.

"Are you alright," Spock asked.

"I will be."

Spock moved to sit closer. James stood and took a few steps away. He really couldn't deal with this right now. He needed space, why didn't anyone understand that. Spock frowned at him. _Great, just one more thing I'm screwing up_ , he thought.

"Look, I just need space right now. Okay?"

"Understood," Spock replied quietly.

James cursed himself as he felt the pain through the bond.

\--------

McCoy winced as he watched Spock move to sit closer to Jim. Not right now, he thought at Spock. He needs space right now.

"Look, I just need space right now. Okay?"

"Understood," Spock replied quietly.

Damn it Spock, you're going to make him feel worse. He needs space. Just space. It's not like he's breaking up with you.

"Jim," Spock asked.

"Yeah?"

"Why were you upset earlier?"

Pushing Jim right now would be really, really, _really_ bad. "How about if we discuss everything a little later," McCoy offered desperate to stop this conversation.

"Perhaps you should mind your own affairs doctor."

"Damn it Spock, Jim is my affair too!"

"Stop it, both of you," Jim yelled. "Jesus, can't I even have five minutes? You know what, never mind. Kill each other, I just don't care anymore." Jim threw his hands up in a hopeless gesture. He turned to stare out the window and rubbed absently at his throat.

"Jim," McCoy began unsure of where to go from there.

"Don't want to hear it," Jim replied without turning around.

McCoy bit his bottom lip and glanced to Spock.

"Jim," Spock started.

"Just. Stop." Jim finally turned back around. "Is it really too much to ask for five minutes? Just five minutes! First him and now you! Can you both just leave me alone!"

Spock turned to McCoy. "What did you do to him?"

"Damn it, Spock," Jim yelled. "It's not just him. It's him, you and this whole fucked up situation. Everybody _wants_ something. Everybody _needs_ something. It's like I can't catch a break. Every time I turn around there's someone else with something else I need to do. _He_ want's me to talk about _everything_ I've been trying to _ignore_ my whole life. _You_ want me to share _every_ feeling I've ever had and I'm not used to sharing _any_ of them. _Everyone_ else wants me to discuss _everything_ in my past I want to _forget_. I can't take this any more!"

"You are not the only one having a hard time with this," Spock said as he stood.

"Don't do this Spock," McCoy pled.

"Stay out of this doctor," Spock growled.

"You have to pick your fights with him. Now isn't the time for-"

"I said, stay out of this. This is between me and my mate. Not. You."

"I'm not trying to come between you two. It's just-"

"Stop it," Jim shouted as he stormed forward and placed himself between the two of them. "What part of 'I can't take this' aren't you two getting? All I needed was five fucking minutes! Do either of you care what I want? No. Both of you just do whatever the hell you want and to hell with what I need."

"I have tried to be patient. This is difficult for me too," Spock said raising his voice. "Do you think it's easy for me to watch you deal with this on your own? Why can't you just let me in. Just once?"

"Why can't you accept that I need space sometimes," Jim countered.

McCoy put a hand on Jim's arm and Jim shrugged it off.

"I've tried to give you space. Anytime anything happens you just push me away again. You won't meet me half way."

"I won't meet you half way? I'm used to dealing with everything myself. I'm not used to having anyone to lean on. I'm trying to accept that and all you do is push for more!"

"If I didn't push you, you would never let me in at all!"

"I'm doing the best I can, if that's not good enough then maybe we shouldn't be together!"

"Maybe you are right!"

"Hey wait a minute," McCoy began.

Spock turned and stormed off toward the door.

Kyle backed around the wall divider as Spock passed by.

"Spock wait," McCoy called after him.

Spock ignored him, opened the door and slammed it shut behind himself.

McCoy turned back to Jim.

"Damn it," Jim yelled. "Just... Damn it!"

Jim turned and stormed into the bedroom slamming the door shut behind himself.

Yep, damn it, McCoy thought bleakly. That about sums it up.

*-*-*-*-*

Kyle stood behind the low divider wall watching Bones. After a few minutes Jim stormed out of the bedroom wearing different clothes. The doctor reached out as Jim passed by but Jim jerked his arm away.

"I probably won't be back tonight. Don't wait up," Jim said as he left the apartment.

Kyle glanced from the door back to the doctor. Bones looked like he was ready to kill someone. Maybe he could sneak out of the doctor's apartment and back to his own before the doctor noticed him. He was about ready to try when the doctor did turn and noticed him. Kyle froze.

"Hey," Bones said. "Sorry about all of that. You okay?"

Kyle pressed his lips together unsure how to answer that.

"Of course not. Forget I asked that."

"I'm okay," Kyle said quietly as he stared at the ground.

"Sure kid, if you say so."

"Um, I was just... going to go..."

"To your apartment?"

"Yeah," Kyle admitted.

"Yeah," Bones agreed.

"Hey?"

"Yeah?"

"If... If Jim comes back..."

"He'll come back, kid. Maybe not tonight, but he'll come back. You want me to tell him you want to see him?"

"No. I just... Could you please try not to be too mad at him?"

Bones smiled softly and shook his head. "I've been through this before and were still friends. It'll be okay, kid."

.

He did feel a little bad but he hadn't precisely lied. Kyle was planning on going back to his apartment, just not immediately. There was just too much happening too fast. Something had to give somewhere so Kyle decided to do the one thing he knew would help. Throughout his life there had been one constant, one thing that never changed. Pain. Pain he knew, pain he could deal with. Being on foot limited his options but he still found what he was looking for. There were three bars close by, he picked the one that looked like his best option. Starting a fight was almost always easier when the other person at least a little drunk.

\--------

Thankfully San Francisco was a big city. Catching a cab James gave directions to an area he never usually visited. As the cab took off he practiced actively blocking the bond. The only thing he had actually been taught was how to push things through the bond. Blocking them couldn't be that difficult, could it? He thought back on Spock's surprise when James had felt his emotions at the jail in Iowa. Could it really be that easy? Just go into emotional shut down? Actually it kind of made sense. The cab dropped him off and James looked around for the closest bar.

\--------

"Spock?"

Spock looked up as she called his name.

"What are you doing out here this late?"

"Thinking," he replied quietly.

Uhura sat down on the bench next to Spock. When she needed time to think she always came out here. It was a part of Starfleet Command very few people ever visited and was usually pretty quiet. There was nothing much out here except the lake and the bench that overlooked the lake. A small trail veered off of the main one and winded it's way out to this area but almost no one used it.

There were only two reason Spock would be out this far. One he wanted to talk to her specifically, which was difficult to believe considering how rarely even she came out here; or two, he wanted the peace and quiet. Maybe she should leave him to his thoughts but she couldn't help it. The hurt in his voice was too much for her to ignore.

"Are you alright?"

Spock just looked away.

"Spock, talk to me. I'm worried about you."

"I do not mean to worry you," he said softly.

Something in his tone concerned her.

"What happened?"

Spock shook his head.

"Did it have anything to do with Iowa?"

Spock's head swung around and he locked his eyes with hers.

"What do you know about Iowa?"

"Not much. Scotty needed Jim to sign some things and couldn't find him. He went looking for you next and then McCoy. When he couldn't find any of you he contacted me."

"And?"

"And we started trying to figure out where you three were."

Spock's eyes narrowed. "We who?"

"Scotty, Chekov, Sulu and I. We didn't find out much, just that you three went to Iowa and Pike joined you."

"That's all you found out?"

"Well, we know the new guy is from Iowa as well, but that's all we know. Pike showed up before we could find out anything else and ordered us to stop digging. Spock, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Spock said looking away.

"Don't lie to me Spock. I know better."

"I do not wish to talk about it then."

" _Did_ it have anything to do with Iowa?"

" _Do not_ talk about Iowa."

"Then tell me what happened."

"I think I just broke up with..." he paused and glanced at her. "With the last person I was... dating."

\--------

He couldn't do this. If he slipped he risked exposing Jim's secrets. In spite of everything he couldn't do that. He wouldn't do that. He had restricted the bond partially to keep himself from being tempted but also to respect Jim's privacy. The emptiness was almost unbearable. Nyota put an arm around his shoulders and Spock had to stop himself from shoving her off of him. He really did not want to be touched right now.

"You think you broke up?"

Spock ignored the question.

"Talk to me."

Spock shook his head. He couldn't do this right now.

"Why did you two break up?"

"I do not wish to discuss this, Nyota."

Without warning Nyota placed her lips on his and kissed him. Spock stood and rapidly backed away from her. "No!"

"Why?"

"Because. I can't."

"Why not? You said you just broke up with someone. You're not with anyone. What's the problem?"

"I just can't do this."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Why, Spock?"

"Because I still love him!"

"Him?"

Spock winced. "Nyota..."

"Him? You left me for another man?"

"In all fairness Nyota," Spock said softly. "You broke up with me."

"You know what I meant! Who is he?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Then he's someone I know?"

"Please do not ask me to talk about this."

"Why did you two break up?"

"Does it matter?"

"It does to me."

Nyota stood and walked over. She reached a hand out to touch his face and Spock drew away. He couldn't do this. He didn't want to hurt her but he couldn't stand for anyone but Jim to touch him right now.

"Please do not do this."

"You said you two were broken up. If you two aren't together anymore-"

"I still love him."

Nyota's eyes slid shut and the hurt on her face made him feel even worse.

"I'm sorry. I just cannot do this." He turned to leave and Nyota walked in front of him. Spock looked away.

"We could get back together," she said quietly.

"I cannot."

"Why not? If you two are broken up why can't you?"

"It is not that simple."

"Yes it is. You're not dating anyone and neither am I."

"You do not understand."

"You're right, I don't. Explain it to me."

"Nyota..."

"How hard could it be to explain it?"

You have no idea, Spock thought to himself. Instantly Nyota stilled with her eyes fixed on him. He recognized the look on her face and realized she had just figured out something. Spock felt his muscles tense as he watched her process whatever thoughts she had. As soon as everything clicked into place he saw the proverbial light bulb go off in her eyes.

"You're mated."

Spock fought to keep his composure. How did she even know about that?

"That's why you're acting so odd."

"I am not acting odd. Where did you even learn about Vulcan mating."

"As soon as we started dating I researched everything I could find about Vulcans. You are mated aren't you?"

"That is not-"

"To a man. A man I know."

He watched her process the information. "Nyota, please let this go."

"Oh my God! There's no way."

"Nyota-"

"Kirk? Are you serious?"

He growled at her before he could stop it.

"Hey I didn't mean it like that."

Spock jerked his head sideways and ignored her.

"Kirk's not all bad, he's just a little childish at times."

"You will not insult him," he told her.

"I wasn't insulting him. I was telling the truth and you know it. Come on, let's sit back down again. Please?"

Spock refused to acknowledge her.

"Okay fine, I promise I won't try to kiss you again."

"Are you making a joke about this?"

"No, but I had to get your attention somehow. Come on Spock, sit down."

"Fine." Spock stalked over to the bench and sat down on the far edge.

"Seriously though, Kirk?"

"Nyota..."

"Sorry, sorry. You do have to admit it would be hard for anyone who knows you both to understand. How did it happen?"

"It just happens. You should know, you researched it." Spock crossed his arms and glared at her. Nyota smiled back at him.

"How long has it been?"

"Tomorrow will be sixteen days."

"That explains so much."

Spock arched an eyebrow.

"Never mind. So what happened?"

"What do you mean what happened?"

"You said you broke up with him. You can't 'break up' with someone you're mated to Spock. It just doesn't work that way."

"It did this time."

Nyota frowned at him. "You can't break up with him, you need each other. What did you do," she demanded.

Spock arched an eyebrow. "What do you mean what did _I_ do?"

"I dated you remember. I love you but you can be a pushy bastard sometimes."

Spock's mouth dropped open and he struggled to find a response to that.

"Kirk? Kirk's the type that you can't push. You have to give him space."

"And how do you know so much about him?"

"Oh come on Spock, we all went to the Academy together. I walked in on him having sex with my roommate remember?"

Spock growled at the mention of Kirk being with another.

"Stop that. You two weren't even together then. You can't be mad about who he was with before you any more than he could be mad at you for being with me."

Spock sighed. She was right, of course.

"Look, you don't have anything to worry about. To be able to bond with him he has to care about you as well. Kirk my be a lot of things but above all he's loyal. He'll come around in time. Unless you did something stupid like walk out on him." Nyota shrugged.

"Wait. What do you mean like walk out on him?"

"You know what I mean. The whole, 'I never want to see you again, I'm leaving,' type of thing." She started to shrug again but stopped. "You didn't... Did you?"

Spock couldn't bring himself to answer.

"Tell me you _did not_ do that, Spock."

"I might have... said something similar."

Nyota covered her mouth in shock.

"In my defense he did speak the words first."

"But it's not the same, Spock. He didn't honestly mean it. If you pushed him on something he would have gotten defensive. If he was defensive he would have said _anything_ to keep from being hurt again."

"Again? What do you mean again?"

"It may not be obvious to everyone but those of us who know him can tell he's been through a lot. I don't know exactly what happened to him but I know it's hard for him to trust anyone. Trust is natural. For someone to become as distrustful as Jim something really bad had to have happened to them. You seriously didn't know?"

Spock closed his eyes for a moment. Oh, he had known. Not only had he known something bad had happened to Jim, he knew what that something was. Not to mention he was also warned about not letting his emotions get the better of him just this morning.

"I knew."

"And you still said _that_ to him?"

"I let my emotions get the better of me."

"You let him push you... Spock, Jim's naturally defensive. He's going to push you periodically. Whatever he went through hurt him pretty bad. If you want this to work you're going to have to be willing to fight for him."

"Fight?"

"Yes. Only in this fight you're going to have to let him rant. Let him vent. Let him have space. In this fight you're going to have to let him do whatever he needs. The only way you can win this fight is by standing against whatever he throws at you and still accepting him. Still loving him."

"I don't want him to deal with everything on his own."

"Then fight _for_ him, but don't fight _against_ him. Prove to him you're not going to give up on him and leave. Eventually he'll let you in. He loves you. You know he has to love you Spock. If he didn't the bond wouldn't have worked, right?"

Spock nodded.

"So you _know_ he loves you no matter how much he pushes you. Hold onto that. Eventually he'll come around. You just need to give him space sometimes."

"You sound like McCoy."

Nyota smiled. "Dr. McCoy must be very smart then."

"I should have listened to him before things went this far."

"You can still fix this."

"I am not so sure."

"I am. Just remember, Jim loves you. He might get defensive sometimes but he will always love you."

"Thank you Nyota."

"Anytime."

\--------

When there was no response at Kyle's apartment Pike had people track the communicator McCoy had given Kyle. He frowned when the location came back as one of the bars nearby. Pike had his security escorts wait outside. As an admiral Starfleet regulations mandated he travel with security whenever he left headquarters. He chose to interpret 'travel' as he saw fit at any given time. As he entered the bar most of the others present were clustered together off to one side.

Making his way over to the group he pushed his way through the crowd. Kyle and another patron were on the floor in the middle of a fight. A woman kept trying to separate the two but she wasn't having any luck pulling the man off of Kyle. He frowned when he realized Kyle wasn't actually fighting back. Shaking his head he whistled. Several people nearby covered their ears including the man beating on Kyle. Kyle tilted his head back and looked up at him.

"Patterson, front and center. Now," he ordered.

Struggling for a bit Kyle finally managed to stand and hobble over.

"What the hell is going on here," Pike demanded.

Kyle shook his head.

"That ass was hitting on my girlfriend," the other man said as he stood. "He deserved everything he got."

Pike turned and found a woman glaring at the man that was beating on Kyle.

"Ma'am?"

The woman turned to face him.

"Are you the girlfriend," he asked.

The woman gave a sharp nod and went back to glaring at her boyfriend.

"Did anything he do deserved this?"

"No," the woman answered as she continued glaring. She crossed her arms.

Pike turned back to the boyfriend. "Did you even realize he wasn't fighting back?"

"So?"

"So you didn't think that maybe it didn't have anything to do with your girlfriend?"

The man just stared in shock as he processed that.

Pike turned back to Kyle. "Outside. Now," he ordered.

.

"You can whistle really loud," Kyle said as soon as they exited the bar.

Pike smiled. "So I've been told." They got into the car and Pike fixed his eyes on Kyle and crossed his arms. "So what _was_ that about?"

"What was _what_ about," Kyle asked innocently.

"Don't play dumb with me. You know precisely what I'm talking about."

Kyle turned and stared out the window. "I don't want to talk about it," he finally answered.

"You're not getting out of this car until I know what happened."

"You already know what happened. I got into a fight."

"That wasn't a fight. That was you letting another person beat on you. The question is, why?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Kyle repeated.

"You know when you join you're going to have to follow orders? Do I have to make _this_ an order?"

Kyle shook his head. He stared out the window a moment longer and finally turned back to face Pike.

"I helps me sometimes," he told Pike.

"Getting beaten up," Pike asked.

"Not exactly." Kyle sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I mean that's part of it but it's more like a means to an end."

"Explain."

"It's not about the fight. It's about the pain," Kyle said quietly.

"Continue," Pike ordered.

"I don't know. It's just... familiar, you know? I know how to deal with pain. When everything starts getting to be too much it helps me deal with things better." There was a pause and Kyle finally looked over to Pike.

"You need therapy," Pike stated flatly.

Kyle sighed again. "I know."

Pike stared at the kid in shock. Maybe he was just too used to dealing with Jim. He hadn't expected Kyle to instantly agree with him on needing therapy. Maybe McCoy had been right about bringing Kyle to San Francisco.

\--------

"Hey."

James looked up from his drink as the woman slid onto the bar stool next to his. All he wanted to do right now was to drink. That's it, just drink. Preferably until he couldn't think any more. He so wasn't in the mood for this. He decided to ignore the woman and hope that she would leave soon.

"I haven't seen you in here before."

James rolled his eyes and downed his drink. He signaled for another.

"So what brings you here?"

"Look I'm really not in the mood. I'm just here to drink," he told her.

"Fair enough. Let's start there." The woman signaled for a drink.

"I'm Patricia, by the way."

"I'm unavailable. Sorry."

"You're dating someone?"

James turned to face the persistent woman. "Actually no. I just got dumped, thanks for asking." He turned back and downed his drink again.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

James wanted to beat his head into the bar. Would this woman not leave! He signaled for another drink.

"Stupid question sorry."

"I really, _really_ don't want to do anything besides sit here, drink, stumble home and pass out."

"They say misery loves company."

"Yeah? Well maybe you should go sit with them."

"Why did she dump you?"

"He," James replied reflexively. "You know what, it doesn't matter. Can you _please_ just leave me alone."

"Fine. I just thought you looked lonely."

The woman grabbed her drink and slid off the bar stool.

Thank you, James thought. He downed his drink and signaled for another. _Lonely?_ Lonely didn't even _begin_ to cover what he was feeling. Damn he needed to drink more.

.

Three hours later and who knew how many drinks James finally hit his limit. He couldn't drink anymore right now. The gnawing pain of Spock leaving and the emptiness where he should feel the bond were the only things _not_ affected by the alcohol. Damn it! He stood, stumbled slightly and headed for the door. As he left the bar he looked around trying to find something, _anything_ to take his mind off of the pain. The woman from earlier was standing in front of the bar. What was her name? He made his way over to her.

"Hey," he said.

She turned toward him.

"What do you want?"

"Wondering where you're headed."

"I thought you just wanted to stumble home and pass out."

"I didn't say who's home."

"True enough. So what's your name?"

"I'm James."

\--------

McCoy frowned at the communicator as he answered it. "Hello?"

_"Is there someone named Bones there?"_

"This is Bones. Where's Jim?"

_"I have a James, I'm assuming that's your Jim. Right now he's sleeping on my couch."_

"Why are you calling instead of him?"

_"He passed out in my bed almost as soon as we got here. After about twenty minutes he woke and mumbled something about a wrong bed. He stumbled as far as my couch and passed out again mostly on it. The last coherent thing he said was call Bones. I had to wake him up to ask how and all he did was hand me this and mutter call Bones again."_

Damn it Jim.

_"Is he going to be alright?"_

"Yeah, he's just having a rough day."

_"He said he just got dumped. I was a bit worried about calling you. I wasn't sure if you were his ex."_

"I'm not his ex. His ex is... somewhere else, probably being just as stupid as Jim." McCoy sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "I'd like to come pick him up if you don't mind."

_"Are you family?"_

He thought about it. "I'm probably the closest thing to family he has."

.

McCoy double checked the address before he knocked on the door. He ran a hand through his hair a few times trying to fix it somewhat but eventually gave up.

Finally the door opened.

"Sorry about this," he told her.

"Don't worry about it. I figured I wasn't going to get anywhere with him after he mentioned his ex was a he."

"He didn't cause too much trouble did he?"

"Not really. Like I said, he caught up with me as I was leaving and then passed out almost as soon as we got here."

"You mind if I come in and get him now?"

"Could you wake him up a little? I just want to make sure he knows you, you know?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

The woman smiled and backed up a little to let him in. McCoy walked into the living room and shook his head when he saw Jim. Walking over to the couch he knelt down. He reached out with one hand to shake Jim's shoulder. He kept his other hand ready to block in case Jim struck out at someone touching him.

"Hey, wake up Jimmy."

Jim jerked his shoulder and rolled to face away from him.

"Come on Jimmy you gotta wake up now."

"Mmm... go 'way."

"Can't do that. You have to wake up now."

"Go 'way," Jim groaned.

"I have to make sure you know me Jimmy."

"You know you... Go 'way."

"Not til you tell me who I am. Come on Jimmy."

"Go 'way, Bones... Sleeping..."

McCoy turned back to the woman and she gave him a nod. Carefully he tried to extract the blanket Jim was tangled in.

"Take it," the woman told him.

He looked back to her. "You sure?"

"I have others. Besides, he needs to get somewhere he can sleep better. He wasn't sleeping too well before you got here."

I bet, McCoy thought. He gave her a nod and lifted Jim off the couch blanket and all. As they walked to the door the woman walked over and watched Jim for a moment. Carefully she reached down and pushed a few strands of his hair away from his face.

"You take care of him," the woman told him.

"I try," McCoy told her.

"He doesn't make it easy does he?"

"Not really, no."

"I used to be just like him. Keep doing what you're doing and he'll appreciate it, even if he can't ever say it."

\--------

Spock paced in his living room as he thought about what to do. He had to fix this. Should he call McCoy to see if Jim was over at the doctor's apartment? That was stupid. If Jim was there he would probably be asleep. _'Prove to him you're not going to give up on him and leave.'_ He had to see Jim. Even if Jim was sleeping he still had to see him.

\--------

_Oww! James tried to roll to get away from the pain and fell off the bed. A kick connected with his ribs._

_"I said up. Now James!"_

_"I'm awake, I'm awake," James yelled as he struggled desperately trying to get to his feet._

_"I bet you are now."_

_A kick caught him in the stomach and he gasped trying catch breath._

_"You better have everything done by the time I get back."_

_James lay on the floor gasping for air. He nodded frantically at his foster father trying to assure the man he would have everything done._

_"Do I have to remind you what will happen if it's not?"_

_Still unable to breath James tried to respond._

_"I asked you a question. Do I have to repeat myself?"_

\--------

"No!"

McCoy was sitting up in his recliner and looking around before he was even awake. Jim was sitting up on the couch with a death grip on the blanket. The way he was glancing around the apartment and breathing heavily told McCoy Jim wasn't fully aware of where he was yet. Standing he rubbed his right hand over his face and walked over to the couch.

"Move over Jimmy."

Jim jumped at the sound of his voice and cringed against the back of the couch.

"It's okay Jimmy, it's just me."

"Bones," Jim whispered doubtfully.

"Yeah kid, it's me." God, the fear in the kids voice... He shook his head. "You're safe now. Move over."

Slowly Jim moved over and McCoy sat down on the couch. He reached out and put an arm around Jim. Carefully he pulled Jim closer.

"It's okay. You're safe here. Go back to sleep."

Jim yawned and settled against him. "Spock," he asked drowsily.

McCoy bit his bottom lip. "Yeah kid. Tomorrow though. Sleep for now."

"'Kay."

\--------

The first thing he saw when he let himself into the doctor's apartment was Jim and McCoy snuggled together on the couch. It hadn't even been one night! What the hell?

Jim whimpered softly.

"Safe," McCoy mumbled in his sleep.

Jim's hand clutched onto the doctor's shirt tighter and he whimpered again.

"Safe Jim," McCoy repeated as he shifted slightly.

\--------

Spock walked forward and slowly sat in the doctor's recliner. It was obvious Jim was having a nightmare. McCoy was just trying to comfort Jim, nothing more. He couldn't find it in himself to be angry with McCoy for doing what _he_ should have been doing. Instead of helping his mate deal with his demons he had hurt Jim and abandoned him. He _had_ to find some way to fix this. He reopened the bond and let Jim's emotions flow into. Fear and anxiety slammed into him instantly. Spock leaned back in the recliner and closed his eyes.

.

_At first he didn't know where he was. When he finally recognized his surroundings he sprinted for the staircase. Taking the steps two at a time he raced up the stairs and then jogged down the hall. Shoving the door open he stared in shock. The dresser was over turned. Clothing and other items littered the floor. James was nowhere to be seen. Spock turned and inspected the hall as he thought about where to check next. A small noise caused him to freeze. Cautiously he walked into the room. Leaning down he checked under the bed but there was nothing there. Slowly he walked to the closet and opened the door. James was huddled in a corner of the closet with his arms wrapped around his legs and his head pressed into his knees._

_"Hey," Spock said quietly._

_"Go away!"_

_"Can I come in?"_

_"No! You'll just leave me again!"_

_"I was wrong. I should not have left."_

_"You said you wouldn't leave!"_

_"I know. I am sorry."_

_"You promised you would stay! You promised!"_

_Spock sat down on the floor just outside of the closet and let out a sigh. "I'm sorry, James. I never meant to hurt you."_

_"You left... You left and it's all my fault," James said as he burst into tears._

_"No," Spock said gently. "It was not your fault. You did not do anything wrong." He moved until he was close enough to reach James. As soon as his hand touched the boy's arm James flinched. That flinch hurt more than all of the words had. He put his hand on the boy's arm again. This time James wrapped his arms around Spock and clung to him as he cried._

_"Hurts," James whined._

_"I know. Shh..." He ran his hands down James' back trying to soothe him. "What happened?"_

_"You left. You left and they came back," James sobbed._

_Spock frowned. "Who came back?"_

_James shook his head and continued crying. Spock settled for comforting James for now. When the crying finally slowed down and James' breathing evened out Spock realized the boy had cried himself to sleep. Carefully he lifted the boy. Stepping out of the shadows of the closet Spock looked down at James and froze. One eye was swollen almost completely shut, a cut over his other eye was crusted with dried blood, his lip was split and bruises covered his face and arms._

'You left. You left and they came back.'

_Spock suddenly understood what happened. James was Jim as Jim saw himself. 'They' were all of his doubts, all of his fears, all of his demons that he still carried. 'They' might not be real anymore but they could still hurt him. Spock had left and all of Jim's demons had come back in full force. He carried James to the bed and carefully laid James down. He climbed into the bed with James and curled up protectively around the boy. "I'm sorry," he whispered quietly._

\--------

Opening his eyes he quickly turned to check on Jim. Jim was still clutching the doctor's shit with one hand while his other hand held McCoy's wrist locking the doctor's arm around Jim. Thankfully he looked like he was sleeping better. Spock checked the bond and was relieved that the fear and anxiety had decreased drastically. "I will never leave you again," Spock promised his sleeping mate.

\--------

The first semi-conscious thought McCoy had was that something was digging into his ribs painfully. McCoy shifted trying to dislodge whatever it was but it didn't work. Groaning he opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was Spock sitting in his recliner watching him. Glancing down he noted Jim plastered against his left side. He looked back at Spock and shook his head.

"Not what it looks like," he whispered.

"I know," Spock whispered. "Shh, let him sleep."

McCoy nodded.

\--------

"Mmm," James moaned as he snuggled into the warmth next to him. Wait. Spock? His eyes shot open and he was greeted with an image of Spock sitting in Bones' recliner. If Spock was there... James turned to see who was on the couch with him. Bones? He glanced back to Spock. "Not what it looks like," he muttered angrily. He made absolutely no effort to move, if Spock was going to angry about this moving now wasn't going to help anything. "I don't even know how I got back here," he added.

"I picked you up and brought you back," Bones informed him. "Your shoulders been digging into my ribs for the last forty five minutes. Now that you're awake, move," McCoy ordered.

James shifted until his shoulder was no longer leaning against Bones.

"Thank God," Bones muttered rubbing absently at his ribs.

"How are you feeling," Spock asked.

"I wake up to find my ex watching me sleep on another man. How do you think I feel," James grumbled.

"I would like to apologize for what happened last night," Spock stated quietly.

James furrowed his brow as he thought about that. Finally he simply shrugged.

"I am sorry Jim."

"Not your fault," James said dismissively. "I shouldn't have blown up like that."

"No, you shouldn't have. It should never have come to that," Spock replied.

James stared at Spock in confusion.

"I think what he's trying to say," Bones began, "is that all of us were upset. We can't fault you for acting the same way we did. We were upset because something happened to someone we cared about. It didn't happen to us, it happened to you. If any of us had a right to be upset it was you."

"I didn't mean... That's not..."

"Sometimes I do not express my emotions well."

James turned back to Spock.

\--------

"When those feelings pertain to you is it indescribably more difficult. The bond complicates things. It does not allow for us to hide anything. I _do not_ want to block the bond. I _do not_ want you to block the bond. After the disagreement I suppressed it to keep you from being hurt by my emotions. When I suppress it, even temporarily it is almost unbearable not to be able to feel you, to know you are there. If you asked me to suppress it I would do it. I am not good with words. I am better with actions. Anytime you need anything again, tell me. I will do my best to listen to you better next time." He sent all of the love he felt for Jim through the bond. Please forgive me he begged silently.

"I don't... " Jim ran a hand through his hair and looked away briefly. "If something like that happens again I couldn't..."

"It won't," Spock assured him.

"When I can't feel you, when you 'suppress' the bond... it hurts just as much as when you walked out last night."

"Then I will never do it again."

Jim looked down and stared at his hands. "I can't do this again. If you left me again..."

"I won't," Spock insisted.

Jim shook his head. "Let me get this out please," he said quietly.

Spock clenched his jaw shut and trained his eyes on his mate.

"If you leave me like that again... I can't..." Jim looked up and met his eyes. "I couldn't stand to lose you again. Do you understand that?"

Spock sat for a while processing Jim's words. Finally he looked up and met Jim's eyes again. "You will never have to worry about that," he assured Jim. "I will never leave you like that again."

Jim stared at him skeptically and Spock's heart almost broke from the pain he felt within his mate. Maybe he hadn't caused it, not all of it, but he had added to it.

"I don't... I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Spock," Jim stated softly.

"Whatever you are feeling you are entitled to Jim," Spock told him quietly. "I did hurt you. You are allowed to acknowledge that."

Jim bit his lip and shook his head.

Spock curbed his impulses and sat quietly waiting for Jim to speak.

"I love you," Jim whispered.

Those quiet three words killed all of his remaining self control. Spock lunged forward and latched onto Jim. His mate was hurting and he was the cause. If he could do anything to fix this he would. No matter what it was he would do it. He would do anything right now to stop the aching he felt from his mate. He gripped Jim tighter. He couldn't loosen his grip no matter how worried he was that he was hurting him.

"I do not want to hurt you," he told Jim honestly.

"You're not," Jim told him quietly.

"I have though," Spock countered.

Jim didn't respond and Spock frowned. He met Jim's eyes and took his face carefully in his hands. "I have hurt you. I did not mean to, but I have. Forgive me?"

Jim ducked his head and avoided meeting his eyes. "I'd forgive you anything," he admitted. "I can't help it, you're my biggest weakness. I couldn't deny you anything." Jim looked away and refused to meet his eyes.

"Jim," Spock said patiently.

Jim finally turned back and met his eyes.

"That is exactly why you need to tell me when I hurt you."

"I... " Jim paused and shook his head. "I can't," he finally admitted.

"You have to. I cannot do this on my own. I _need_ you."

Jim opened his mouth but no words came out. Spock pulled Jim against him and held him. "Shh.."

"I'm stronger than this," Jim protested.

"You are the strongest person I know," Spock told him. "You have been too strong for too long. Let me carry some of it for now. You have me and the doctor. You are not alone any more."

"It hurts, though," Jim told him.

It was too much. It was too close to the same words the younger James had uttered. He couldn't take it, he gripped Jim more tightly. "Shh. I am here. You are not alone any more. I've got you, please don't shut me out. Please?"

\--------

McCoy watched and realized he was only in the way right now. This was something Jim and Spock had to work out on their own. He stood and started to leave when Spock caught his attention. He turned to face the Vulcan more directly and Spock shook his head no. McCoy frowned.

Spock pulled back, away from Jim. "I am not the only one here for you. You have others who would do anything to help you." Spock gripped Jim's shoulders and turned Jim. "The doctor will always be there, even if you are angry with me."

Jim twisted around to look at Spock. "I know. Bones has-"

"No. Jim, you asked me not to block you. I know what you're feeling. You may know but you do not accept. Dr. McCoy cares for you. He will _never_ let anything hurt you if he can stop it. You need to have faith in that. If you ever need anyone else, you always have him."

McCoy eyed Spock cautiously. They were treading on dangerous ground here. 'Jim' and 'faith' were not generally two things you put in the same sentence. He paused waiting for Jim's reaction.

Jim eyed McCoy carefully and turned back to Spock. "I know," he said softly. "I also know how much that cost you to say that."

Jim laid his head on Spock's shoulder and wrapped his arms around him. McCoy met Spock's eyes and waited. The Vulcan inclined his head slightly, almost questioningly. McCoy sighed and walked forward. He put his arms around Jim and pressed himself against the kid's back. "You're not alone Jimmy. You have both of us. We're here for you. You can always talk to one of us, okay?"

Jim nodded and clutched onto Spock more tightly. McCoy hugged the kid harder. "It's alright. We got you."

\--------

Kyle stood outside the door and hesitated. He wasn't sure what kind of a mood the doctor would be in this morning. If either Jim or Spock were here who knew how either of them would be doing. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. There wasn't much time until his ride showed up. If he was going to do this he had to do this now. With one last deep breath he finally raised his hand and knocked. The doctor opened the door looking slightly worn out. Kyle wondered if the doctor had gotten any sleep last night.

"What happened to you," Bones asked.

"Just a disagreement. I've already been to medical," Kyle told him.

The doctor rolled his eyes and moved so that Kyle could enter.

Kyle stopped dead when he saw Jim and Spock watching him from the couch.

"Uh, hey," he greeted them cautiously.

Jim gave a small smile. "It's alright Kyle. We're... okay."

Kyle nodded and grabbed one of the chairs from the doctor's kitchen. He took the chair into the living room. Placing it on the side of the coffee table opposite of the couch he sat down. "So, everything's..."

"Better," Jim acknowledged quietly.

Kyle nodded. Everything wasn't quite right just yet, but it was better. He could accept that.

"Kyle," Spock said softly.

Kyle couldn't help but tense slightly.

"I already apologize to Jim, but I owe you an apology as well. I will not apologize for being upset yesterday, but I would like to apologize to you for some of my actions. I should have been there to offer support for you both instead of allowing myself to get caught up in my own emotions. For that, I am sorry."

Kyle thought what Spock was saying before he responded.

"I think we _all_ had our own reasons to be upset yesterday," he said carefully. "Just because Jim and I are upset doesn't mean you can't be upset. Everyone is entitled to whatever they're feeling."

"Agreed," Jim said. "Spock just because I'm going through my own crap doesn't mean you have to set your feelings aside."

Spock reached a hand out to Jim. Jim took Spock's hand and gave him a small smile. Finally both Jim and Spock turned back to Kyle.

"I accept your apology," Kyle told him hesitantly.

"But," Spock asked.

Kyle dropped his eyes to the floor. "Growing up the way we did you learn not to trust anyone. You can only depend on yourself. It's hard to open up or trust anyone after something like that." Kyle looked up and met Spock's eyes. "You shouldn't have left like that," he said quietly.

"I know," Spock replied just as quietly.

After a moment of silence, before anyone said another word, there was a knock at the door. All four of them turned to the door at the sound of the knock. Kyle had a pretty good idea who it was. He watched as Bones went to answer it.

"I'm here to pick up Patterson," came a voice from outside of the apartment.

"I guess I forgot to mention I decided to join the academy after all."

\--------

James lean leisurely against one of the low stone walls just outside of the Headquarters building. Kyle was busy rushing through all of the preliminaries to be allowed to enter the academy at the start of the next semester. Bones was busy doing doctor stuff at Starfleet Medical. Spock was bogged down with bureaucratic red-tape all day. James had two meetings today but they had been in the morning. Since then he had nothing to do except think. Something he usually desperately tried to avoid. Today he hadn't allowed himself to avoid it.

Shifting slightly James started whistling. Right now he was trying to keep his thoughts on anything except why he was here. He decided to 'spy' on what Spock was thinking about. He still thought of it as 'spying' despite all of Spock's reassurances that he was welcome to look whenever he wanted to. James was pleasantly surprised to find Spock thinking about him. Not that Spock was thinking solely of him but James did seem to be one of the more predominate thoughts. It had been a painstakingly slow process learning how to interpret Spock's thoughts.

For the most part the information came through as emotions. When James started trying to rank the varying degrees of each of the emotions he was struck with an epiphany. Certain things always felt the same no matter what. Whether it was a certain 'mix' of emotions or one emotion they always felt the same. From there it was mostly a guessing game until he started seeing a pattern. It was still difficult some times. There were times when he could tell 'what' Spock was thinking about but not 'how' he felt about it. There were times when he could sense 'how' Spock felt but not tell 'what' the feeling directed at. Eventually James started to get the hang of it.

\--------

As his last meeting for day ended all Spock could think about was going home. Well, home or McCoy's apartment, where ever Jim was. He checked the bond to get an idea of where he would be heading today. Jim was... here? Spock sped up as he neared the doors. Exiting the building he scanned the area. He spotted Jim sitting on one of the low stone walls separating the grass from the walk ways. Spock stopped moving and just stood there a moment admiring his mate. Mine, he thought possessively. Jim's head turned and as their eyes met Spock was moving again. His pace was only slightly faster than he normally walked.

"I did not expect to see you here."

Jim shrugged. "I figured we could hang out."

That phrase told Spock there was another reason for this visit. He figured other reason was probably some thing Jim did not wish to discuss here. "Would you like to take a walk," Spock asked.

"Sounds good," Jim said hopping off the wall. He inclined his head slightly indicating a sidewalk that branched off the main walkway.

Spock gave a small nod.

They walked in silence for a while.

"So I was thinking we could talk," Jim said casually.

"If you would like," Spock answered. Assuming anything at this point would pointless at best. Give everything that had happened recently 'talk' could mean almost anything. Better to be patient and let Jim explain things in his own time.

\--------

If he was being honest with himself the 'talk' hadn't gone all that well. Jim had decided it was time to share certain details of things that had been done to him. Spock hadn't taken the details particularly well. After a while Jim stormed into Spock's bedroom and slammed the door. Spock took several deep breaths as he tried to calm down. He was still trying to get his anger under control when he felt Jim's anger shift into sadness. Rushing to the bedroom door he paused just short of opening it. Should he give Jim space? Finally Spock decided if Jim wanted space he could kick him out. Right now he had to see his mate. Opening the door Spock found Jim in the bed curled up around his pillow. Seeing Jim this upset banished any of the remaining anger. Spock made his way over to the bed and climbed in behind Jim. Reaching out he put a hand on Jim's arm but Jim jerked away.

"Jim," Spock said quietly.

Jim didn't answer.

"I love you," Spock told him.

At that quiet affirmation Jim quickly rolled over and latched onto him. Burying his face into Spock's chest Jim's tears finally broke free. Spock wrapped his arms around his mate and comforted him. "Shh."

After some time Jim began mumbling something over and over.

"What?"

"Sorry," Jim repeated slightly louder.

He began repeating how sorry he was through the tears. Spock continued to soothe his mate.

"You do not have to be sorry," Spock told Jim firmly. "When you feel my anger through the bond after sharing some thing like that it is directed at those responsible for bringing pain to my mate. Your strength is inspiring to those who can see you clearly. You survived what no person should ever have to see let alone experience. I am sorry if my emotional response caused you discomfort."

"Don't want to lose you," Jim mumbled with his face still pressed against Spock's chest.

"You will never lose me. We are bound by more than desire, we are bound in heart and spirit until death. Nothing will ever stop how my soul yearns to be with yours. James T. Kirk you are stuck with me forever. As Dr. McCoy would say, 'Deal with it.'"

.

They spent the rest of the night in Spock's bed. When Spock had gotten Jim calmed down, Jim finally fell asleep. Spock couldn't make himself release his mate. He spent time trying to find ways to handle information about Jim's past without upsetting his mate. He couldn't keep getting angry every time Jim shared something. That would just lead to Jim _not_ sharing things in the future. He glanced over to Jim. His mate had been through so much more than anyone should ever have had to endure. In the end that was the key. Jim was not telling him these things to upset him. He was telling Spock these things because he trusted him. Trusted him listen. Trusted him not to use these things against him some how. Trusted him enough to tell him things he didn't tell anyone else. All he had to do was listen; listen and comfort his mate when needed. He could do that.

Quietly and as carefully as he could, Spock got out of the bed. Jim gave one soft whimper and latched onto the covers before quieting. Spock watched Jim, making sure he would be okay for the time being. Jim didn't have anything to do tomorrow but Spock had a few things he was supposed to show up for. Making his way into the living room Spock picked up his communicator and stared at it. Who could he call at this hour to cancel his appointments tomorrow? Only one person came to mind.

\--------

Stretching, James opened his eyes and tried to focus his vision.

"Good morning."

James paused at the sound of Spock's voice. Everything came crashing back. He rolled over to explain but before he could get any words out Spock kissed him and nothing else seemed to matter.

"Mmm," James moaned into the kiss.

"I love you," Spock whispered breathlessly as soon as he broke the kiss.

"I love you too," James told Spock honestly.

"I cleared my schedule. I have all day free."

"You didn't have to do that," James said feeling guilty.

"I had to do it for my own piece of mind. That I get to spend the day with you is a bonus."

"Spock," James started, trying to figure out how to put this. "It's not your fault if I... if some times..."

"It is not your fault either," Spock said quietly.

James sat stunned. How could his emotions _not_ be his fault.

"I love you," Spock repeated. "We need time, Jim. We have things we need to discuss."

\--------

Spock could feel Jim closing himself off.

"No," he told Jim. Reaching out Spock ran his fingers through Jim's hair. "Do not shut me out. Please?"

"I don't want you upset," Jim said quietly.

"I will not be upset about how you feel," Spock promised him. "You're feelings are justified. What they did to you was wrong."

"I just..." Jim trailed off and remained silent.

"Jim?"

"I don't want you to think it makes me..."

"That you survived what was done to you makes me think more of you, not less. You were not responsible for their actions Jim. No matter what they said."

"You deserve so much better."

"I _want_ you."

"Why?"

"I love you."

"Why?"

"Love doesn't need a reason to exist." Spock smiled and wrapped his arms around Jim. "I love you. I will always love you. Share whatever you need to and I will still love you. I will not blame you for what others have done. Okay?"

Jim nodded as he settled in Spock's arms. "Did you really cancel every thing?"

"You are more important."

The love and contentment he felt from Jim was worth more than any of words Jim could have said.

\--------Days later--------

"Well that wasn't so bad, I suppose," McCoy muttered.

"Seemed longer than when we were inducted," Jim stated.

"Perhaps because we were participating in that one," Spock noted.

Jim shrugged. "At least we can get some thing to eat now. I'm starving."

"You're always starving," McCoy grumbled as he inspected the people gathered nearby.

Jim glanced over at Spock and tilted his head slightly. Spock gave a slight nod.

Jim shrugged again. "I'm going to get some thing to eat. I'll catch up with you two later."

"I'll go with you," McCoy stated.

As he started to leave Spock put a hand on the doctor's shoulder. "Doctor, may I have a word with you?"

"Does it have to be right now?"

"I would appreciate it."

Sighing, McCoy turned back to face him.

"As you know we leave in two days for New Vulcan."

The doctor raised an eyebrow and waited.

"We were wondering if you would be accompanying us?"

"Excuse me?"

"I asked if-"

"I heard what you asked," McCoy snapped. The doctor glanced over to where Jim was standing as he talked idly with a few people. "Are humans even allowed at bonding ceremonies?"

"My mate is human, doctor. He will be present," Spock answered arching one eyebrow.

"You know what I meant," McCoy growled.

"I do indeed. It is common for each party to have at least one person present to witness the mating. Usually that person is a family member. As Kyle will not have the time to attend it is only logical that you attend. You and Kyle are the closest thing Jim has to family."

"I thought Vulcan's didn't like outsiders knowing about bonding."

"I have spoken with my father. He has assured me you're presence is acceptable."

"Does Jim know you're asking me this?"

"He does."

"Why didn't he ask me?"

"I believe he was nervous you would not agree to come."

"Damn it Jimmy," McCoy muttered.

"Bones?"

Both men turned at the sound of the new voice. Another person that calls the doctor Bones? Interesting. Spock watched as a woman in a captain's uniform approached them.

\--------

"Sorry, I didn't catch your actual name the other night."

McCoy inspected the woman. He was trying to remember why she seemed so damned familiar when he finally realized why. Damn it Jimmy! Trust Jim to go home with a woman who turns out to be a Starfleet captain, pass out on her and leave _him_ to explain this to her and Spock both.

"McCoy," he said introducing himself. "Leonard McCoy. I didn't catch your name either."

"Patricia Moore," she answered.

"So, you're a captain," he asked. Stupid, McCoy thought. As if the uniform didn't give it away?

Patricia laughed. "Only in my spare time," she said smiling.

"So what brings you here?"

"I have a niece entering Starfleet. You?"

"Jim's brother is going into Starfleet."

"Ah. I thought you said he didn't have any family left?"

McCoy winced. "Foster brother," he explained.

"Ah." Patricia turned to face Spock. Spock raised an eyebrow but said nothing as she inspected him. "You must be Jim's ex," Patricia noted carefully.

McCoy pretended not to see the brief sideways glance Spock gave him.

\--------

"That was a misunderstanding. We have since reconciled," Spock stated stiffly.

"Good," Patricia said. "There are reasons why people are the way they are. You take care of him," she ordered.

For a long moment she and Spock stared at each other. Finally Spock gave her a quick nod.

As the woman turned back to McCoy, Spock felt Jim's unease through the bond. He sent his love through the bond to comfort Jim.

"If you're not busy later maybe we could get together and talk a little more?"

"I shouldn't be too busy."

"Good. I'll see you later then."

Spock waited until Patricia move on before addressing the doctor.

"Doctor, how does she know Jim?"

"What makes you think she knows Jim?"

"You mean besides her knowing about our relationship," Spock said crossing his arms. "No one else calls you Bones."

\--------

Damn it Jim, McCoy thought. "Okay, but before I start I want you to keep this in mind. Nothing happened between them. Got it?"

Spock gave a nod.

McCoy sighed as he thought about how to put this. "The night you and he had the fight, the night you left, Jim went out drinking. He ended up at her house, but nothing happened. He went to her house, she called me, I picked him up. That's all."

He watched Spock process this information. Finally Spock gave another nod and McCoy breathed a sigh of relief.

"Doctor, there is one other thing."

"Yeah?"

"You didn't answer me."

"Answer you," McCoy asked confused.

"When I see Jim again he will wish to know whether or not you will attend the ceremony. I would appreciate it if I could give him an answer."

Oh, McCoy thought stupidly. That answer. "I'll have to get back with you. I still have to put in for leave and I'm not sure if I can get it that fast."

"Whether or not you choose to accompany us Admiral Pike has already granted you leave. All that is left is for you to decide."

\--------

Unable to take waiting any longer Jim made his way back. He brushed his shoulder against Spock's as he stopped next to him.

"So what's up," he asked nervously.

"You really think I wouldn't want to be there," Bones asked him.

"Um." Jim shrugged. "I don't know, I was just..."

"Nervous?"

"Um.."

"Of course I'll go, Jimmy."

Unable to help it Jim grinned. Maybe, just maybe, they actually would be alright, Jim thought to himself.


End file.
